Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Hi everyone, it's been a while. Something weird has happened to me and I have been debating whether or not to post about it. But I think this is important since so many of us are hoping for a cure for MD or at least to know what it's like for it to stop. This has just been my experience and I'm sure someone else may have a totally different story. I don't want to give the impression that it's better to have MD than to be free of it! I am not taking any sort of drug or medication that would explain the abscence of the dds (I'm taking zero meds, prescribed or otherwise) and I am not in any form of mental therapy.
For the past 2 months I've been unable to dd like I have for countless years. It started with a bout of depression (not at all unusual for me-I get it like a cold and just have to endure it every now and then). I was feeling down and hopeless. The dds that normally take me away did not seem to intrest me. I tried to dd but it won't work when forced. My scenarios started to seem stupid to me; why waste hours thinking about things that will never happen? It was different from a "crash." I wasn't sad that I couldn't have the life I have in the dds, I was sad that I couldn't visit it. Like friends that live too far away to visit. Normally I could spend hours rocking to music while dding. My songs that meant so much to me were suddenly meaningless! They did not stir a fantasy, they were just songs. I still have the "practice conversations" going on, those never left.
Instead of getting out into the world I just sat at home when I wasn't at work. I literally would sit in front of the tv for hours, mindlessly watching whatever was on. I'd search the internet for whatever topic was on tv. I know way too much about Lindsay Lohan. I didn't even feel like doing my dd research. My beloved crush could have gotten married and I wouldn't have minded. Very, very unusual for me. In short, I was miserable and lazy. My MD helps me sort out my feelings. My characters allow me to vent and experience my emotions in controlled way. When something upsetting happened I just had to be upset or angry or hurt with no way of clearing the emotion with a dd. Without it I am not a complete person. I've had MD for too long now. Maybe if I were younger or more naturally outgoing I could have embraced life without it. But I see that I am one with it and I like it.
The past week I have been able to coax some shreds of MD back into my mind. My crush is re appearing and today I actually got a little lost in an dd. I also went back to the gym today for the first time in 2 months. I do not think this is a coincidence. MD is my way of relating to the world and while it keeps me unsocial it also gives me the motivation to venture out too. I know I'm not a normal person and I'll never be able to experience the emotions I have in my dds in real life. That's okay for me because I'm at a stage in life where I can accept it. For younger people with MD there may still be a chance to develop some skills to get you back out in the real world. I hope the awareness of this issue brings some sort of therapy to light.
Having had MD for the past 30+ years I have always dreamed (no pun intended!) to be free of this. I thought I could get so much done and become a real functioning person. If I didn't have MD I'd be out in the world living my life and experiencing the things I only dd about. I'd have friends, a great husband, my free time would be spent learning new things and actively enjoying my hobbies. I know a lot of people on this site are young and in school. If I was in school then the past couple of months may have been helpful because I could have focused on getting assignments and papers done, catching up on chapters of textbooks, etc. I'm a grown adult with a day job so all I need to do is be at work on time. But honestly, I've done absolutley nothing. I have a stack of books I'd love to read- they are untouched. I have moutains of junk I could sort and get rid of but it sits undisturbed. I have a list of movies I'd loooove to see but I only watch silly syfy channel movies while I sit around between naps. Things are looking up though. The dds are very slowly becoming tempting. I am hoping to be actively dding very soon. Crazy as it may seem. I know once I am back in full MD mode I'll get back to the wishing I was normal thing. There's no way to have it both ways. I'm going to try to incorporate the MD into my life so that it can help me and inspire me. It may work, it may not but I need a plan that is reasonable for me. I hope this is helpful or at least insightful to someone wondering what life might be like on the other side. Jen