My MD stopped and I want it back!

[J Noland]

Hi everyone, it's been a while. Something weird has happened to me and I have been debating whether or not to post about it. But I think this is important since so many of us are hoping for a cure for MD or at least to know what it's like for it to stop. This has just been my experience and I'm sure someone else may have a totally different story. I don't want to give the impression that it's better to have MD than to be free of it! I am not taking any sort of drug or medication that would explain the abscence of the dds (I'm taking zero meds, prescribed or otherwise) and I am not in any form of mental therapy.

 For the past 2 months I've been unable to dd like I have for countless years. It started with a bout of depression (not at all unusual for me-I get it like a cold and just have to endure it every now and then). I was feeling down and hopeless. The dds that normally take me away did not seem to intrest me. I tried to dd but it won't work when forced. My scenarios started to seem stupid to me; why waste hours thinking about things that will never happen? It was different from a "crash." I wasn't sad that I couldn't have the life I have in the dds, I was sad that I couldn't visit it. Like friends that live too far away to visit. Normally I could spend hours rocking to music while dding. My songs that meant so much to me were suddenly meaningless! They did not stir a fantasy, they were just songs. I still have the "practice conversations" going on, those never left.

 Instead of getting out into the world I just sat at home when I wasn't at work. I literally would sit in front of the tv for hours, mindlessly watching whatever was on. I'd search the internet for whatever topic was on tv. I know way too much about Lindsay Lohan. I didn't even feel like doing my dd research. My beloved crush could have gotten married and I wouldn't have minded. Very, very unusual for me. In short, I was miserable and lazy. My MD helps me sort out my feelings. My characters allow me to vent and experience my emotions in controlled way. When something upsetting happened I just had to be upset or angry or hurt with no way of clearing the emotion with a dd. Without it I am not a complete person. I've had MD for too long now. Maybe if I were younger or more naturally outgoing I could have embraced life without it. But I see that I am one with it and I like it.

 The past week I have been able to coax some shreds of MD back into my mind. My crush is re appearing and today I actually got a little lost in an dd. I also went back to the gym today for the first time in 2 months. I do not think this is a coincidence. MD is my way of relating to the world and while it keeps me unsocial it also gives me the motivation to venture out too. I know I'm not a normal person and I'll never be able to experience the emotions I have in my dds in real life. That's okay for me because I'm at a stage in life where I can accept it. For younger people with MD there may still be a chance to develop some skills to get you back out in the real world. I hope the awareness of this issue brings some sort of therapy to light.

 Having had MD for the past 30+ years I have always dreamed (no pun intended!) to be free of this. I thought I could get so much done and become a real functioning person. If I didn't have MD I'd be out in the world living my life and experiencing the things I only dd about. I'd have friends, a great husband, my free time would be spent learning new things and actively enjoying my hobbies. I know a lot of people on this site are young and in school. If I was in school then the past couple of months may have been helpful because I could have focused on getting assignments and papers done, catching up on chapters of textbooks, etc. I'm a grown adult with a day job so all I need to do is be at work on time. But honestly, I've done absolutley nothing. I have a stack of books I'd love to read- they are untouched. I have moutains of junk I could sort and get rid of but it sits undisturbed. I have a list of movies I'd loooove to see but I only watch silly syfy channel movies while I sit around between naps. Things are looking up though. The dds are very slowly becoming tempting. I am hoping to be actively dding very soon. Crazy as it may seem. I know once I am back in full MD mode I'll get back to the wishing I was normal thing. There's no way to have it both ways. I'm going to try to incorporate the MD into my life so that it can help me and inspire me. It may work, it may not but I need a plan that is reasonable for me. I hope this is helpful or at least insightful to someone wondering what life might be like on the other side. Jen

[J Noland]

Generally when I go through times of depression I just have depressing dds. This latest bout of depression was the first time it stopped the dds so maybe my situation is changing as I get older. Most of the postings I read about MD tend to mention depression so I guess they often go together. Triggers for me are everywhere, music, tv, pictures, moods, the news. Luckily as I've gotten older I can keep a general cap on how much time I spend intensively dding. Now it just needs to come back so I can get back to "normal." Either that or I develop some new social hobbies quick!

[LostSoul99]

Are you depressed? Whenever I'm actually really sad, I find that I cannot DD at all. At other times, I'll just feel numb and my DDing would relieve my depression. Maybe, you do not have that many triggers. When the seasons of my favourite tv shows are done, I do not DD as much.

[J Noland]

Thanks for the feedback Rashomon and Kelsey. The depression may be hereditary but it seems to have a cause and effect in the MD at times. Meds turn me into a zombie with no emotion at all so I just steer clear of them. It feels more helpful to me to stay aware that it will pass and my mood will eventually lift. I'm feeling a lot better this past week. Kelsey, you described exactly what I felt when the dds stopped- they got short and boring and then just didn't intrest me at all. And Rashomon I'm sort of excited at the prospect of MD as a conscious choice because it gives an air of control that I didn't used to have. But I know all too well how far under water I can get with dds. This has been new territory for me lately.

[Kelsey]

I went through a very similar situation recently. My family expressed their concerns to me that I always sit in my room alone and miserable (every summer break this happens) and they urged me to go out into the real world and to seek a therapist's help for my MD and to get a job. I freaked out, I didn't want to leave the house or grow up or do anything. I was acting like a child. I'm terrified of leaving my family and getting even a part-time job and thinking for myself even. I am starting to believe I have dependent personality disorder but refuse to diagnose myself, yet too scared to call and visit a therapist for help. So basically I went through a depression similar to what you described, it happens to me off and on as well and I have to battle through it.

What started to happen was that I was so miserable that I couldn't even cheer myself up with my daydreams, my daydreams were short and boring and I couldn't find anything to do with all my new free time so I just laid in my bed and slept for thirteen plus hours at a time. Eventually the depression started to fade and I re-visited an old daydream and then I was back into it again. Now I spend a lot of time daydreaming about who I want to become and still doing nothing with my life. I hope to clear it all up soon.

So while my situation is not the same, I do understand parts of what you are going through. ):