My first post! md/ocd/meds (warning: suicidal and content)

Hello everyone and thanks for sharing your experiences :) ... I'm so happy that I found this blog...but I don't what to say to start, so I will say what comes to my mind... like right now I'm worried because I feel like there's an audience watching me and listening to me what I'm saying out loud (in my head) as I am writing these words... I have a long story with mental issues... I'm 22 now and I'm suffering from anxiety and depression since middle school...after that it all went worse and worse... I remember I always daydreamed to escape reality and I was used to the fact that I couldn't be often there in the real world (especially when I was more stressed)... There are a lot of topics and facts I could talk about but right now I would like to talk about this one...

I have extremely cringe "memories" and "false memories", like things that are embarassing to the point that I have suicidal thoughts (again)... but I'm not sure that these are memories and I think no one says nothing because they don't want to make me feel bad or maybe we even talked about it but I forgot it because I was shocked by the fact that I did it... I know that It could have happened, so it's possible... It happens that my memories are distorted... But there are also things that I know I did and I regret being that "embarassing" person.

I'm diagnosed with a post-traumatic complex disorder ... No ocd found, because I said to my psychiatrist that i have no compulsions.. but now that it got better I realized I had a lot of compulsions and my theory is that daydreaming is also a compulsion... my psychiatrist and my psychologist talked only about intrusive thoughts... never about MD, but since I found out about it I felt deeply understood... for the first time! it gave me a lot of hope, because it's like not feeling alone anymore and understanding that I'm not psychotic but I live in a fantasy world and I know it's not real but can't escape it... I couldn't stand myself anymore because I couldn't understand myself...  but do you have disturbing thoughts about the past (different from traumas) like mine in your scenarios? i think it's ocd... I read about it :) and that it's associable with md... but I'm also worried that I really did those things!!

I'm using zoloft and xanax... but i think i should change meds... under control of course...

sorry for writing so much... i just needed to write it down because of how i felt... advices ???

hope you all feel good :)


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Comment by Loop onMoon on February 15, 2022 at 12:14am

Thank you Valeria! :)

Comment by Valeria Franco on February 13, 2022 at 12:31pm

Dear Linda,

We can't face trauma on our own, and certainly, we cannot give advice on such a delicate matter.

It's good that you are working on it with a psychiatrist. 

But you're so much more than your problems. So while facing them, you can decide on the life you want, from now on, no matter what memory, true or false, haunt you.

What do you really what for yourself? What person do you want to be? That is the light that will drive your way out. 

And, I'm sure, you've never been embarrassing. They had made you feel embarrassed about yourself, which is quite different.

Comment by Loop onMoon on February 8, 2022 at 11:34am
yes! also
Comment by Camoran on February 7, 2022 at 9:16am

Do you find that the scenes playing out in your head reflect unfulfilled desires, in some way? I've seen it happen to many people over the years, MDers and non-MDers alike.

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