My fantasy is making my real life depressing

This daydreaming has been something hard and embarrassing for me to talk about. Another online friend told me to Google Maladaptive Daydreaming and I did. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who actually suffers with this. I have depression and anxiety disorder but the MA has been something constant for me throughout my life. The anxiety held me back socially as I was often too scared to go places. I lived with and cared for my mom until she died and then my dad passed away 7 months later. I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I prayed everyday for God to send me a man to love me and be my husband. He sent someone but as our daily routine has become the same and the first time romance is gone I have started back on an old fantasy that I hadn't had in a while. It's kind of embarrassing to go into specifics but I have this dream of a man who's tall with black hair and dark eyes. He's the best most romantic lover ever. If any other man looks at me he'll knock him out. He's so strong and protective of me. Our love is so intense. This daydream started back up about 3 weeks ago. It's hard for me to stay in reality and as soon as I make myself stop I go right back into it. I'm trying to control my thoughts but I just slip right into it. This is going to sound nuts but I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's hard for me to talk to my therapist about. But, it's gotten to where when I stop the daydream and look at my reality I feel depressed. I cry. This is going to sound so crazy but there's a part of me that wonders if this man is really out there somewhere. Maybe he's looking for me? In my DD one of the scenarios is we pass each other on the street. I get scared and start to walk away and he says "You're not going to walk away from me, are you?" I turn and run to him and we embrace and from that moment on we're together. Sometimes the story deviates from me walking down the street with a friend and find him and sometimes it's me walking down the street with my fiance' and find him. And yes, I leave my fiance'. So, I go back into reality and feel like I'm just not satisfied with what I have. I feel like something more is out there for me and it's slipping away with time and age. How can I tell my fiance' what I'm going through? I think I've gone crazy. Yes, I've even Googled this "mans" name. But, guess what? I didn't find him, of course, but I still think........what if? The once pleasant daydream is now doing me more harm than good and my real life has become so sad. I really wish this DD could be real and it isn't, yet everyday I go into it and hurt myself more. Am I crazy? 

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Comment by Silla Bakht on August 30, 2012 at 8:56am

oh it's so sorry to hear about your father


Comment by Kacey on August 28, 2012 at 8:39am

Thanks guys for commenting. I was cleaning my house lastnight and had my music playing, which only encourages the DD, something I'm sure some of you can relate to. Staying in reality is hard. I didn't sleep good lastnight. Today I'm going to try to be in the moment. I've thought about using the old "rubber band around the wrist" thing to "snap"(pardon the pun) myself out of the DD when it starts. Maybe this will help?

Comment by Eretaia on August 28, 2012 at 3:42am

"This is going to sound so crazy but there's a part of me that wonders if this man is really out there somewhere. Maybe he's looking for me?"

Don't worry, I felt the same thing many, many times, more than I can count. My fantasies are impossible on every possible level because they involve science fiction phenomena and even animated characters, however, my mind was constantly waiting for something to happen even though I was perfectly aware that it's entirely impossible. I don't know what I was waiting for, but the feeling was always there, as though there was hope, although I knew there wasn't. But it's as if my mind consciously chose to be blind. It's sort of like when you're in love - you invest so much emotions into something that it makes you go blind and you see things where they don't exist; but I think it's merely a consequence of strong emotions. After all, it's hard explaining yourself that you're in love with someone who doesn't exist. Our emotions for them are real, and so we are definitely having hard time convincing ourselves that those who we love actually aren't. I still have a hard time convincing myself that it's only my overly hyperactive and wild imagination.

This is going to be bloody ridiculous, but I would also see signs. Between some things, I would see connections which in fact never really existed; and only when that certain daydream fades can I actually see it was all ridiculous and incoherent and, well, merely a product of my own imagination. What can I say? I'm a pro at believing a lie which my crazy imagination subconsciously invented.

Comment by greyartist on August 28, 2012 at 1:47am

Hey, if you're crazy I'm right there with ya. ;) That is the worse part of MD I think. The fact that it is fantasy, and we can't ever achieve it. Unlike healthy normal daydreams where you are a better you and possibly could work hard and be that. Our dream worlds constantly remind us what we can't have. Make us unhappy with what we do have. Leave us depressed and hopeless sometimes. 

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