Mental Health Week

[Aquarius]

It's Mental Health Week, and about time I talked about some issues that have plagued me

Emotional abuse:

I realized a few days ago that this is the first time in my life where I dont have an emotionally abusive person in my life. My roommate moved out, and all of sudden it hit me, that I have been dealing with it for so long, its only now that I became aware of it. This scares me a little, that maybe I have a propensity to put up or choose or am unable to recognize emotionally abusive people. I always give 2nd chances

Avoidantly attached personality:

I read about this in detail today. This has to do with the fact that I don't let my emotions show at all. I'm the kind who has very hard letting people come close to me. I've been so good at putting up a facade that I have friends, who are clueless about other aspects of life (such as my interests, my family etc.) They called me pokerface at work, and then one day when i broke down it took 10 people to get me to my desk. I sometimes think I'm incapable of being in love. i'm 35 and I have no clue what romantic love feels like.

I was a bed-wetter, and in the 1980s parents, siblings, relatives, werent as understanding as they are today. My worst fear as a kid was one of my school friends finding out. That's how I learned shame.  I grew out of it by age 10. As a result, as a grown-up I never let friends come over to my house, alot of them noticed. I had a bedridden father, so i hid that or lied about it. Then he died, and life became all nice and good but i still feel embarrassed to call people over or worse introduce my family to them. My siblings are very accomplished, and pretty awesome. But that sense of shame, just won't go away.

Approval seeking behaviour:

The middle child is always craving for the parents attention. I now know why most of friends are men, why i was so eager to be the favorite of my male bosses- yup, no surprises, here. Lack of paternal attention, my father died without knowing any of my achievements. And I think this approval-seeking behavior has made me waste time on people who aren't even worth it. I am forever seeking a man's attention or approval- that's just dumb.

So this is me admitting that I have alot of work to do on myself. There are other things that I have left out. But now I'm setting myself free, and it feels great already

[Aquarius]

The best way to get over one imaginary conversation in your head, is to start having another one. it's repetitive, its negative. It's just annoying me. It's no longer an MDD, it's now a negative reality in my head. it's because i havent said anything aloud on  the matter. Its best to keep quiet. To seem as if im unaffected. There's much work at hand. I need to focus. Focus. Move on

[Aquarius]

The quote from the movie says when a guy doesn't call, its because he doesn't want to call. Which is why there has been no call. It's kinda insulting. But the MDDing won't stop. I know there will eventually be a call or message, and like a fool I will forgive and hang on to it. Terrible. Waiting is just terrible, the anticipation is terrible. And I'm pathetic ~sigh~

[Aquarius]

This is just terrible. I'm staring at pigeons in the sun, no wait. i'm endlessly staring at pigeons in the sun AND having an MDD conversation in my head. The pigeon staring stops and then im off to staring at something else, and the MDD conversation in my head continues. Plus I'm waiting for a phone call that looks like it won't come. Urghh. It's been a while since I worked hard at something. I need structure, and I need to get out of this frosty room. The comfort zone is literally a room.

Be Brave

[Aquarius]

the key is not to indulge someone you know who has a narcissist personality. The key is reciprocity, not going overboard, which you think is being generous. You've been a decent host, so far.

To have come this far, is good enough

[Aquarius]

Note to self: do not indulge the narcissist's ego. You've done enough of it. What will I get out of it? Making the narcissist happy for a moment. Nah, its pointless. Anything that does not beget reciprocity is just going to be a disappointment. This codependency behavior , this savior-complex is just loneliness manifesting itself. Its eroding my self worth. Its tell yourself that the only way you will be of any importance to a person is you do a grand gesture or save their soul.

It's time for self-preservation.

Why indulge someone who hasnt even bothered to ask your last name. Keep it real, keep the excitement contained. Stay true yourself- always

[Aquarius]

Just realizing that I tend to MDD about males characters mostly. I do MDD about women, but relationships with them in the DDs are tumultuous but the whole sisterhood / acceptance things falls into place eventually. All my current MDDs is about saying out loud what I feel, one or two are me being holding a conversation with male participants, and of course dominating the conversation with humor. All MDDs of mine are problem and solution oriented. I'm never giving up in any of them.

All this represents something- that I really want to say what i feel out loud, but im self censoring. That the women in my life are part of a sisterhood, and that the relationships will go on. But the male characters reflect the approval seeking i want from men. The accomplished male characters, in my MDDs i'm trying to convey to them that I'm an equal.

I keep thinking back about that day, that moment when my boss treated me like i was a secretary. It was incredibly insulting. To think a few weeks later, I took over the project and made it a success. Kudos to me for walking out a week after that, but shame on me to hold on to that secretarial feeling. He was and is  a moron.

In an episode of Devious Maids, Carla ( of scrubs) the maid goes on a date with her employer's brother who dumped her 20 years ago for someone with his own background. Carla the maid ends up saying to the rich employer's rich brother  'all these years i thought i was never good enough for you, turns out, you were never good enough for me'.

Amen to that sister!

[Aquarius]

Approval seeking behaviour stems from the constant disaprroval from a parent/parents. Never good enough, never complaint enough. The real problem is when even at this age , you still are affected by it when you shouldn't be.

Being overly ambitious is perhaps nothing more than trying to get that approval. One that has been constantly denied. It takes a supreme amount of awareness and persistence to free yourself from that nagging inner voice, the one that tells you its not perfect, you are not perfect. 

Break the cycle- tell yourself everyday "I'm awesome" because really you are awesome. And so am I

[Aquarius]

@Matthew- If you look the same way you did a few years ago, then i guess you need to make a conscious effort to change your style. I'm guessing you are about 20-22 years old so your sense of style is still evolving, plus alot of it has to do with money at hand. You heard of Anna Wintour? Vogue Ed, she's had the same hairdo for 30 years. It defines her. But you should definitely experiment with your look every now & then.

"Nothing I have done or attempted has changed me" Thats a pretty harsh statement, and is untrue, its simply not possible to not experience personal growth in your struggles.

[Aquarius]

Here's what happens when you put up with abusive personalities, you stay prone to going back to them in some way i guess: This guy who has repeatedly called me a b*tch, I messaged him today. I knew its stupid, yet I guess at my lowest low I reached out, only to once again back out.

Now wondering how to reconfigure my brain to come out of this pattern

[Aquarius]

@Tinkerbell- I'm now thinking that it was more of emotional bullying than emotional abuse, but I can't be sure.

Let me tell you something very strange- some people who were emotionally abusive/bullies to me, such as an aunt who I lived with for 2 years, are now on very good terms with me. They eventually became better people. Even this roommate, she's much nicer and far more appreciative of me. And none of it is an act, it's an actual realization of their own behaviour.

That makes me feel good. Because I have no anger or resentment towards them, and there's the possibility of continued healthy relationship