Or should I say don't stop MD "cold turkey"

I stopped MD almost completely 2 months ago, due to anger.

It was my therapist that told me that "my imaginary world" could be MD. Her conclusion was that MD could be a manifestation of my repressed creativity. This was 2 years ago. I read about it but didn't research it. Knowing that it has a name and that I wasn't the only one was recomfort enough.

I made peace with MD a long time ago, since I didn't know what it was, I figured out ways to fight it or control it. MD was no longer my coping mechanism lately, it was my sleeping pill. I had no issues going to bed early, engaging with my paracosm until I fell asleep. It is not the first time my MD stops but usually just fades away.

But this time is different. I read about a ranting post in another MD community. And I went furious about it. MD stopped completely, reality strikes back, my feelings start resurfacing, overthinking all the time. Suddenly my mind simply just doesn't shut up. I suddenly feel alive again. But I'm going insane, I'm happy, I'm sad, I want to scream, I want to cry all at the same time. MD was the only time and place where my mind could rest (and at the same time it was my sleeping pill for reality). The last 2 months have been more mentally intense than many years of my life.

I have sleep deprivation, eating unhealthy and going obcessally reading everything about MD, trauma, disorders, personality types and analysing my past and my unresolved past issues.

The only good thing about this, it is finally making sense. I'm connecting the dots.

I had a couple minutes during this weekend of absolute zero thoughts in my head. It was absolutely peaceful.

I'm not writing this to give you an excuse to not to stop MD. But try to stop slowly and steadily. Fix your mental health first, in order to get stronger mentally. Research about you and MD. MD was the way our brain found out to protect ourselves from reality and now you have to show "him" that we are ready to face reality again.

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Comment by Valeria Franco on May 30, 2021 at 1:06pm

Well, MD exist because we are not fine with our life. Most of us have or had other problems.Md was an escape or a coping method. Taking it off means that all the balance we created (and that worked somehow) breaks.

It was an unhealthy balance, but still we used to it and somehow comfortable in it.

It's hard leaving it for the hope of a better life because in the meantime we need to cross all the mess of the broken pieces that have fallen down. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on May 27, 2021 at 1:48pm

Withdrawing from MD wasn't easy for me. It took me 5 years to wake my mind to life. I was an MD'er for 20 years, so I allowed it to dwindle. I went through several transformations in the process. At times, it felt like my mental health was being washed out with soap. The more I cleared my minds of the worlds I used to live in, the more real life began to become more clear, because I was starting to make sense. My mom constantly brought up that she felt I lived on another planet, although I was in denial at the time, now I understand what she means. 

MD started in my teens, and went crazy in my twenties. It prevented me from making discreet decisions on the career and education front. I used to believe real life can turn into my fantasies, if I want it to, and on the contrary, nothing happened at all. I didn't make it happen for real. It was my fault too. I really wished I had woken up and realized what the hell I'm doing. I was very young, I guess. I had no experience, so I thought I had all the answers. I found out the hard way, and it shocked me. 

I was never sure why my life didn't turn out the way I imagined it to. Perhaps, it's something that I did wrong. I do remember not reading in between the lines when it came to analyzing people's emotions. I found it hard to understand human emotions and gestures, because of my Asperger syndrome. I wanted to have friends and I'm pretty sure others tried to be my friend, but something was wrong. I didn't really want to interact with them verbally—or I just couldn't. They felt I didn't like them or didn't want to talk with them. That wasn't true. I was just shy and wasn't sure about myself around others. The connection wasn't there. So I drifted apart from them and escaped into alternative worlds for comfort and positivity. 

My parents found out about my MD, because often I wasn't listening to them or would forgot things, also I would giggle for nothing and mutter to myself. My mom thought I was crazy and wanted to get me psychiatric help. She didn't understand what I was going through personally. She was the hardest person to talk to and wouldn't buy what I had to say. My dad was vice versa, was very understanding of what my mind can do. That I was a very creative person with a vivid imagination. But he warned me how others will take it. I did quit MD, but still can't quit the daydreaming 100%. 

In terms of quitting MD, and how it emotionally impacts you later on. Yes, it made me emotionally stirred up for a while. I look back at past events when I was more involved with people, and go "Wowe! that's why." I really upset them, because I wasn't here and my actions looked eye brow raising to them. 

Apparently, my peers are all grown up and moved on with their own lives. So I'm stuck with the memories of how they reacted on my behalf and it was unforgettable. I don't think they took me well. All I remember is that they couldn't stop criticizing how very quiet and friendless I was. It's uninviting when you don't socially belong and your the scoop for it. I was hurt for years, but now I'm cured. People do change when they grow up, so it's all in the past. 

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