Where wild minds come to rest
Ok, so I’ve never ever ever told anyone this before, but after finding this website I think I’ve finally found the courage to say what has been bothering me for my entire life. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, I thought I was a freak, but it looks like I’m not so here it goes….
This sounds really bad but I believe that my MD has come from the fact that I don’t feel that my mother is my mother. I have no clue why I feel like this because nothing has ever happened where I should feel like that (no abuse, I’m not adopted, my mom’s actually very nice), but as long as I can remember I have never felt any connection to her. It’s not that I hate her, she’s a very lovely person, but I don’t want her love or affection. I think because of this, I’ve always sought affection from other women whom I deeply admire. When I was very little they were teachers, when I turned nine, it became a camp counselor, and she is still the one that I “love” for a lack of a better word. It is so hard to describe how I feel about these people because the feeling is nothing I have ever heard of. I suppose it’s mixture between wanting them to be my mother and actually being romantically in love with them, but it’s really neither because the thought of anyone being my mother makes me cringe and I’m a straight teenager who has many crushes on guys my age and it’s not like I want to make out with them or anything. I really just want to be cared about by these people, and I want them to know that I care about them and I’d do anything for them. I want to make sure they are happy, I want to protect them. The unfortunate thing is, this often turns into an obsession where I constantly think about them, and hence, constantly daydream about them.
And that’s how this comes back to MD— they’re my “trigger” as you guys say. When I was four years old I had a dream about one of these people, and it was so intense I started “dancing” to music and thinking about it, that’s how it all started. Now, I lock myself in my room for hours and run from one side to the other while listening to music, all the meanwhile living in this fantasy world I’ve been building for the past 13 years with the people that I care the most about. This world is my pride and joy, and in it I’ve also made my own reason for why I feel the way I do about these people, It’s my exercise, my relaxation, and my release, all in one, it’s great! Except it’s ruining my life cuz I can’t stop.
I really, really want to have a successful life, but I also have really, really bad self-control. So my dilemma is: I know I need to see a therapist or something, but 1) I physically cannot say anything about this out loud, I’ve tried, but for some reason I just can’t get words out, I can only write it down, 2) I can’t deal with my parents knowing I’m psychologically messed up, it freaks me out when they the real part of me or see that I need help 3) I can’t explain half of it and I feel like stuff will end up getting lost in translation.
So any advice? Thoughts? And I am going to try and get the courage up to see someone, but is there anyway I can bypass telling my parents? I’m almost 18, so maybe I should wait until then to set up my own appointment? Or should I try and fight this on my own? To me, the most alarming part is the stuff with my mother and my obsessions, so even if I see someone about that should I bring MD up?
Ah, sorry that was sooooo long! And it’s only the edited version, there is so much freaking more cuz it’s practically my whole life. But if anyone took the time to read it, thanks very much. I’ve kept this inside for so long I don't know what to do!