Wild Minds Network

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Ok, so I’ve never ever ever told anyone this before, but after finding this website I think I’ve finally found the courage to say what has been bothering me for my entire life. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, I thought I was a freak, but it looks like I’m not so here it goes….

 

This sounds really bad but I believe that my MD has come from the fact that I don’t feel that my mother is my mother. I have no clue why I feel like this because nothing has ever happened where I should feel like that (no abuse, I’m not adopted, my mom’s actually very nice), but as long as I can remember I have never felt any connection to her. It’s not that I hate her, she’s a very lovely person, but I don’t want her love or affection. I think because of this, I’ve always sought affection from other women whom I deeply admire. When I was very little they were teachers, when I turned nine, it became a camp counselor, and she is still the one that I “love” for a lack of a better word. It is so hard to describe how I feel about these people because the feeling is nothing I have ever heard of. I suppose it’s mixture between wanting them to be my mother and actually being romantically in love with them, but it’s really neither because the thought of anyone being my mother makes me cringe and I’m a straight teenager who has many crushes on guys my age and it’s not like I want to make out with them or anything. I really just want to be cared about by these people, and I want them to know that I care about them and I’d do anything for them. I want to make sure they are happy, I want to protect them. The unfortunate thing is, this often turns into an obsession where I constantly think about them, and hence, constantly daydream about them.

 

And that’s how this comes back to MD— they’re my “trigger” as you guys say. When I was four years old I had a dream about one of these people, and it was so intense I started “dancing” to music and thinking about it, that’s how it all started. Now, I lock myself in my room for hours and run from one side to the other while listening to music, all the meanwhile living in this fantasy world I’ve been building for the past 13 years with the people that I care the most about. This world is my pride and joy, and in it I’ve also made my own reason for why I feel the way I do about these people, It’s my exercise, my relaxation, and my release, all in one, it’s great! Except it’s ruining my life cuz I can’t stop.

 

I really, really want to have a successful life, but I also have really, really bad self-control. So my dilemma is: I know I need to see a therapist or something, but 1) I physically cannot say anything about this out loud, I’ve tried, but for some reason I just can’t get words out, I can only write it down, 2) I can’t deal with my parents knowing I’m psychologically messed up, it freaks me out when they the real part of me or see that I need help 3) I can’t explain half of it and I feel like stuff will end up getting lost in translation.

 

So any advice? Thoughts? And I am going to try and get the courage up to see someone, but is there anyway I can bypass telling my parents? I’m almost 18, so maybe I should wait until then to set up my own appointment? Or should I try and fight this on my own? To me, the most alarming part is the stuff with my mother and my obsessions, so even if I see someone about that should I bring MD up?

 

Ah, sorry that was sooooo long! And it’s only the edited version, there is so much freaking more cuz it’s practically my whole life. But if anyone took the time to read it, thanks very much. I’ve kept this inside for so long I don't know what to do!

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Comment by Wish Upon A Wish on January 4, 2012 at 4:38am

Maybe make your own appointment when your 18? If you're at school, don't you have a guidance counsellor, who, as far as I'm aware of, is legally not allowed to tell anyone, including your parents anything you've told him/her without your permission?

Make sure, though, that you bring along info about MD if/when you do talk to someone about it. Also, if you don't think you could say that out loud, just print it off and give it to them!

Comment by J Noland on December 28, 2011 at 6:14am

Kristy Amhert- I really like that reply, it made some valid points about counselors and also good idea to lurk on other sites to test the waters.

I imagine most people have mother issues of some sort. I sure do. Maybe there was a lack of bonding when you were a baby that makes you feel disconnected? Mothers are very powerful figures and even the slightest gesture on their part can send children reeling. Maybe you see your mother as the chain that keeps you locked down to who you are in life. Maybe you have a need to feel love and give love that isn't essentially wrong but just confusing. The fact that you recognize the issue and are willing to explore different ideas to understand it is a good sign. I'd hold off talking to your parents until you have a better idea of what you will say. Telling your mother that she just isn't cutting it can start a huge problem in itself.

Comment by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on December 27, 2011 at 11:07pm

If you do see someone, I urge you to take a copy of Dr. Cynthia Schupak's study results (at the bottom of the links page), the Scientific American Mind article on this, as well as any other info.  Tell them a real doc with a PHD has studied it, and thousands of people are talking about it online.  

Comment by Kirsty Amhert on December 27, 2011 at 10:58pm

You could try maybe going to the school councelor. 

OR. This is a streatch, but I used to have a friend that did this, so who knows.

Lurk some psychology forums or something and post about it, get an online friend who is interested in hearing about it and start by trying to talk about it over Skype or something. This could also be easier because telling it to someone who is fascinated in learning about it is less likely to judge, or jump any guns. 

The issue with getting a therapist, or telling people in general, is that most don't want to compromise. It's something they see as an issue that needs to be fixed and disappear, instead of something that is possible to get a reign on. 

It might come down to asking yourself if you're open to the idea of trying to get rid of MD for good, and the struggle that comes along with it. 

Hope that made sense, I'm kind of sleep deprived, haha. 

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