Maladaptive Daydreaming is ruining my life...

[Jennifer]

    Okay, well, to start off, I don't believe I ever properly introduced myself. I am Jennifer, and I'm 14 years old, and I am kind of a rookie to all of this. To be honest, I am not even sure if I actually have MD, or is it just all in my head? The thing that really throws me off is that I don't exactly "Daydream." I act them out; like, walk around, talk, make gestures, and even laugh and cry as if my fantasies are actually happening in front of my eyes. No one I know knows about this. My friend just knows that I have some kind of Daydreaming disorder, but she doesn't know about my acting them out. But, I have had MD for about as long as I can remember. When I was just a little girl, I would pretend to be a princess, or something stupid like that. Now I daydream about more serious scenarios. (It's the same story every time, except I just add on) But I don't exactly know whether I have MD or not. Does it sound like I do, to those who have read my past blogs? I don't exactly know what it is that is throwing me off...Is it that it's called Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder? Could I really have a mental disorder? Or is it the fact that it's called Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder? Is what I do really considered to be Daydreaming? Many of you say that your daydreaming is hard to control. And, I know that a disorder doesn't have to be severe to have it, but I am able to manage my daydreaming quite often. I don't necessarily Daydream, so I know not to just get up and start pacing, spinning, and start talking to myself like I do in my bedroom. I never do this in public, but I still have triggers, and do act out my fantasies rather frequently...Well, actually, anytime I have free time, I will want to "Daydream." And I do. Just not in public, or around other people. Usually, daydreaming is the last thing I do at night, and the first thing I do the next morning. And it's ruining my life. My parents question me about my "talking to myself in my bedroom." And about me never being a part of the family because I'm always in my room. But what am I supposed to tell them? I have been contemplating telling them about my MD, but I'm not ready yet. I have this irrational fear of them thinking of me differently afterward, or even them finding this site where very personal information of mine was posted.

I don't know where I'm going with this; I just wanted to post a blog about MD and my life struggles, but it's just turning into some HUGE rant...I apologize for this. But please, bare with me.

 

     When I was a child, I would just make up some dumb, "little girl" scenarios in my head, and act them out with my sister. It would just be something we did together as children to entertain ourselves, you know? But then she grew out of it...And she's 11; Three years younger than me. I was only about 8 or 9 when we stopped playing around together. But when I was by myself one day, I made up my own scenario, and that scenario still lives with my today...And I'm 14. I use cartoon characters in my daydreams, and I even use my real-life love interest, too. Others are just made up characters I use for, like, my friends, my parents, etc. You know, like the friends I wish I had, the personalities I wish my parents had, and so on. I don't know exactly what triggered it; I had two cousins with Pulmonary Hypertension, (A rare lung and heart disease) who died ten months apart when I was 10. But, my daydreaming issues started before that. So, I didn't use daydreaming as an escape from depression or sorrow until I was about 13, and now being 14, my aunt is dying from cancer, and I use my daydreaming to escape from the real world now, too.

 

The title of my blog says something about MD ruining my life...Sorry, I got off track because there was so much I wanted to say in this one blog. MD seems to be ruining my life because I love to daydream. I get excessively happy while acting out my fantasies in my room. I laugh, and smile, and prance around...I don't know why. I just love the feeling of being free, and actually getting away from my real life when I can. But every time I have to stop, or when there's something I need to get done and there's a time limit on my daydreaming time, then I get slapped in the face with reality, and it isn't easy to adapt to. I try to escape to my fantasy world as often as I can...Even when I have 15 minutes left before I have to leave for dance class. I just gotta do it, Ihave to daydream. And I do. My point of all of this is that I plan on going away for college when I graduate from high school, which is in about 3 years. I dread this because all of a sudden, I will just pack up my things and leave. And, I will have roomates, and I won't be able to blast my music loudly, or "talk to myself" in my dorm, or get extremely happy because of my overdose of acting out my fantasies. Like, all of a sudden, I won't be able to go to my room and act them out. I will have people all around me all of the time. I fear that I could go through withdrawal and even depression because of not being able to "connect" with my characters anymore. I mean, I have always been ashamed of my weirdness, and I depserately want it out of my life, and I have tried mulitple times. To stop my "daydreaming", I have tried to make my "Ideal Me" die so that my daydreams won't continue on. (It would be too painful for me to continue my daydreams on without my very own character in them. And even worse, it would be too painful to see my friends/family mourn over my deceased character in my fantasies. Instead of being my own character, I would have to pretend to be my mom, or my friend, or something like that. If anyone knows what I'm trying to say, ha.

I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say here...I guess it's just 'Does anyone here think I actually have MD?' Or is it just in my head? Because I think it's wrong of myself to say I have a "Daydreaming" disorder if what I have isn't actually a Daydreaming disorder. I mean, I feel like I am able to relate to many of your posts about your struggles/stories about your MD, and I've even had conversations with a few  people on this site that I could relate to 100%. But I am really bugged by this whole thing, because what if I don't have MD? Is acting out my fantasies actually considered to be Daydreaming in the case of MD?

Is there any effective way to quit my daydreaming without going through withdrawal?

If any new medicine came out for MD, would anyone take it?

Is it normal to literally cry because of my fear of my withdrawal of my "daydreams," or even the condition of my MD, if I even have MD at all?

Why do all of these thoughts occur, and why am I so confused? Does anyone else here with MD feel this confused or concerned about their MD?

 

I'm sorry, this was SO "ranty," I just wanted to get it all out of my system, and get some answers, but I just didn't really know how to organize my questions. I am sorry that some things were repeated, like, a million times, I just want to make sure I'm not a total lunatic. Am I crazy? Am I psychotic? Does it appear that I think there is something wrong with me, when I don't have MD at all? Can anyone relate to these stupid thoughts of mine?

Thank you all a BILLION for tolerating me. I know, I'm 14, and teenagers are stereotpyed as immature people. But after going through so much hell and grief in my life, I know I am not like any other immature damn teenager. I am a mature person. Thank you very much.

 

[Jennifer]

@Emily

I love you, LOL! Haha, wow, we sound SO alike, that it's freaky! I could relate to everything you said in your comment, and it's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one out there with these feelings. Thank you for sharing your story, and you know what? I am SOOOO glad to know that I'm not the only one who acts out my daydreams! Thank you for the wishes, for your help, and for sharing your story! It means very much to me. :D

[Jennifer]

@Aine

Aw, thank you so very much! I am glad we met the other day, and I cannot tell you how much your words mean to me, and how much they helped, thanks a lot. It is great to know that I'm not the only teenager feeling such emotions, also. Thank you for sharing about telling your therapist, that also sounds like it helped. :) Thank you again for helping me out, and for your compliments, I really appreciate your help.

[Aine]

Hi Jennifer, it was nice to meet you yesterday. MD does not have to ruin your life, if you don't let it.  Being 14 is a tough time even without MD, believe me, been there done that. LOL.  The fact that you found this site and have been interested in knowing more and connecting means that you are already on a positive path.  We are here to be as supportive as we can, so please feel free to reach out when you need to.   I know you are scared, confused , angry and a host of other different emotions, but you will be OK. I've only been here on this site for a week, but I can honestly say that all of us who have MD seem to be highly intelligent. Did you notice that? You are far wiser than your years,my dear. The fact that you are questioning whether to tell your parents, tells me that you should wait. You will know when the time is right for you.  I have told no one except the people on this site and just a week ago, my therapist who is thankfully not a doctor and very cool and supportive.

I know you are thinking about the future and college etc. You have time, so don't stress over that now. You may end up going to a college where you can have your own private bedroom. Anything can happen. Enjoy your life now, but feel free to rant, rave and raise all the hell you want. If you need me, just message me. all the best to you always

Aine

[Emily]

Wow. We must be twins :) Same age, same backstory (my friend and I were 2 princesses, until she grew out of it. Of course, I didn't...), and I can't help but act out my daydreams, laughing and crying along with them. I must say I giggled at your "Ideal me" murder. That's a smart idea, but my characters too would mourn.

I don't know how to help considering I only found out about MD 2 weeks ago. And yeah, I've shed a good amount of tears in that short amount of time thinking about MD and it's effect of my life and future sanity. Idk if I'd take a medicine for MD. Unless things improved in my life I'd freak. Without DD I have nothing....

You don't sound crazy, you sound smart. I understand your comment about other teenagers and their immaturity because it honestly couldn't be more true. I wish you the best.

[Jennifer]

@C Jones

Thank you very, very much! I think you're right. Your comment really reassured me, thank you. :) Very much appreciated.

Jennifer.

[Boogman]

I agree with Pacer 100%. There's no reason to feel guilty about who you are, and there's no reason to tell your parents if you don't want to. For me, trying to keep my parents from knowing was a factor in helping me take more control over the daydreaming (how loud I was, etc). And your parents may very well know you still do it, they probably just love you too much to care. It's what I always figured my parents thought.

[Jennifer]

@Pacer

Oh my gosh, thank you very much for taking the time to write out such an informative, valuable answer to me. I cannot tell you in words how thankful I am, and how much your response helped me. Reading your post opened my eyes, telling me not to be so bitter about having MD, and how to continue living on and learning how to accept that this is what I have.

Also, what you said about my parents...You're absolutely. Is isn't any of their business...It's no one's but my own. You said you would get up and leave the dinner table to get up and pace around? Ha, that's funny. :) I don't know why things like that don't raise red flags for parents, but as long as they didn't make fun of you for it, then it did no harm. I remember when I was really young, before I had a phone in my bedroom, I would be SO loud while talking and acting out my daydreams. I would practically scream everything I said, and looking back, it's actually kind of funny, because my parents NEVER, ever questioned me about this. Of course they knew, they could hear me from outside probably, but they never approached me about it, haha. ^.^

Ha, anyways, I just wanted to thank you for the help, and I am astonished that you lived through my 40-mile-long blog, haha. Thank you very much, Pacer, it's great to have someone who understands me. I don't think I can thank you enough. :)

Jennifer

[Pacer]

Jennifer, I have been through most of what you are talking about.  When I started college I was lucky because my roommate was from the local town, so he went home a lot and I had the room to myself.  Other people on my floor didn't understand why I always locked my door, but I made up excuses about it being a habit.  And then as soon as I was able to get a single room, I did.  I lived in the dorms for all 4 years of college, and was lucky to have a single room 2.5 of the years.  I kind of lucked into it, however, but if I hadn't, I would have found a way to have my own place.  I graduated cum laude with a double major, and I'm pretty sure I spent almost as much time in my room daydreaming as I did doing homework. 

This forum and your blog is very interesting to me because there is a common worry that I never had, which was whether or not it is a disorder, how to stop it, medicating, etc..  I don't think you have a mental disorder at all.  Just because somebody made up the name Maladaptive Daydreaming, does not mean it is a disorder or that there is something wrong with you.  I always told myself that I was just different, that I daydreamed instead of reading books, for example.  Or I would tell myself that my own stories were better than anybody else's, so there couldn't be anything wrong with it.  The more I think about this, the more I think it is predominantly addiction-based and a result of brain chemistry.  If that's true, and you feel like it is ruining your life, or ruling your life, then you could try some techniques that people use for addiction.  Maybe you will be more comfortable with yourself if you spend less time doing it.  I never once thought I would, or could stop.  It's like I said before, I'm kind of stuck with it, I think.

It's really hard not to do it!!   So accept it and work towards balance.  But don't let it get you down so much.  You probably have great stories that you're playing out.   The fact that you act them out, talk out loud, etc., is just your way of doing it.  Accept yourself.  You probably have an intensely creative mind, like you're possessed by yourself in a way and your mind needs your body to work things out.  That sounds hoky, but I feel like it is true for me.  You know those brain studies where they measure brain activity when you're thinking about certain things, and then they compare the brain wave activity to other things, like actually doing the things that you were thinking about, and it comes out the same?  I would bet that my brain waves when I'm deeply entranced in thinking about something are just as active as any other time.  So, really, what's wrong with that?  I don't think I'm less alive for doing it, compared to people who don't do it.

Your parents:  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that since your not outright harming yourself or anybody else, that it really is nobody else's business.  You get to have your own life, whether it's visible to others or not.  Nobody owns you, your time, or your activities.  This just made me think of something...when I was younger, probably age 6 or 7, I used to get up in the middle of dinner so I could go into the living room and pace around for a few minutes, and then come back.  It's so funny to me now, thinking that my family was probably aware of it.  That makes me laugh thinking about that.  So, if talking to somebody in person about it makes you feel better, that's one thing, but you don't owe it anybody, even your mom and dad.  I say that because I feel like the acting out, pacing, whatever, are really just extensions of your thoughts, and your thoughts are the only thing you ever truly own.

[Jennifer]

Thank you, C Jones. :)

[Boogman]

It's OK, we're here for you. Your experiences while daydreaming sounds similar to my own. Personally, I would never take medicine for it. Of course, I'm not sure if I'd ever want it to disappear, either. I feel like it is too much of a gift to simply throw away, and its value lies in how it is used.