Inside these Walls

[4everlost23]

I swear inside these walls it gets so hard. My relationship with my family is at its worse. Once I was really close to my mother, now its like we can barely stand each other anymore. We are both to blame, some of it is because of my MDD. Even though I try it is half-hearted and definitely not my best. My mother is so fed-up with me being a waste, a failure, she's also embarrassed by me...so is my sister. I realize how bad I look to people in town like a lazy nothing. For what its worth I sue to care, I use to try no matter how hard things got. Where I am now at 25 years old is not where I expected myself to be. I had dreams and goals as a high school student of attending the finest university. Thing of it is, is that I am actually smart academically. It all begin to fall apart in middle school,when my mom married her dead beat physically/emotional abusing husband. Before that my mom was doing good independent making on her own for us and herself.  Sadly truth be told I was born into a hell hole. My childhood was non-existent, I have never know what it is like to be a child. I had to be responsible from the time I was 4 years old. I have carried the fear, and stress of an adult all my life literally. My early years were filled with seeing/hearing my mom abused physically in the worst way.

Anyway long story short because of the abuse I witnessed at home, lack of sleep due to late night fights, screaming, shouting, lack of concentration, and loss of motivation, an utter will to not care about anything anymore...not even myself top that with my MDD, and the result is a smart young woman who fails high school rendering me diploma-less. With that my dreams going down the drain. I did attend community college one year after high school was over. I aced all of my classes, never failed a single test or assignment, and made "A's" on everything. However; since this is a backwards small town, and the community college was fairly new, the teachers/staff had no idea what they were doing so I ended up not receiving the license that I had worked hard for an earned, on the account of the college not holding up their end. So I spent 6 months in college passing, and being filled with new hope of a fresh start, and due to no fault of my own...it was a waste of time. Even when I try something always gets in the way and ruins my plans. Now I have shamed my family, myself. I am not what I wanted to be, so far away from being the Doctor that I wanted to be. Which takes years of schooling and at 25 I am behind in years of schooling as far as becoming a doctor is concerned.

[4everlost23]

@Roxanne thank you for thinking of me in such a way. I put the number 23 with my username because that number means so much to me, and at 23 I was feeling like I was gonna be stuck in the life I live, that nothing would ever change. In many ways this mane describes me I have always felt lost , never knowing who I am truly am and I still feel like I will have this feeling for the rest of my life...leading me on a journey of eternal searches. I actually age in my dd's. I have seen myself in my 40's, 50's. I think it is amazing that you do not age in your dd's wow! No worries graduate when you are ready, and if you do not want to graduate, then don't your dd's are your own as are all of our dd's. No one should judge another's dd's no one :)

Again thanks, I would love to work with a therapist that specializes in helping artist! Wow you are a therapist?! I am so glad that we met. Maybe you can help me with some things...I will let you know. Also I am a good listener I may not be a therapist, but everyone needs someone to listen every once in a while right? So let me know if you ever need a listening ear.

[roxanne]

4ever...23 - that is how I think of you.  It is true of me in my DD's.  I never age past 20's, even though I am well past that.  I don't know how it happened, but it did, and is vey difficult for me to try to graduate to my 30's.  So we are both "4ever...23."  Better than being Forever Lost.

You sound fabulous, artistic, sensitive, generous and smart.  You are everything you need to be.  It is just a matter of managing your DD'ing & finding some sense in all that pain (what artist had a thoroughly happy childhood?  Their job is to feel & express pain, etc. for all of us.), possibly thru therapy - there are therapists who specialize in working with artists and would probably be more accepting of MD.  I have ben a therapist for many years.  Let me know if I can help.

[4everlost23]

@HoneyPablo thank you for all of your kind words. More so I thank you for taking the time out to read this blog and comment. You share vital information. Let me say that I am happy for you, that you know how to express the pain instead of holding it inside. You certainly raise many insightful questions that we all need to answer sooner rather than later. I hope that I can began my journey to answering mine and maybe even letting go of everything that is bottled inside...I know this will take time and work, but it is worth it. I think that you are very brave in the way that you are approaching your issues. Good job for having the strength to be there for yourself. I wish you all the best. May all of us heal throughout time.

[HoneyPablo]

Hey. I am very sorry for all the pain you have had to go through. My past is not even as half as terrifying, but I can very well relate to having to act like a grown-up from a very early age.

It has taken me a lot of time and much effort to understand, that so much of my problems (procrastination, daydreaming, low self-esteem, passiveness etc) is about me not knowing how to process my negative emotions. Because as a child I was forbidden to show these emotions (what´s wrong with you again?), I learned to pile them up inside while feeling immensely guilty. I have been lying to myself and it has (subconsciously) led me to make poor choices and feel inadequate, unable and just very sad.

I am telling you this, because just the thought, that from now on, I will always be there for myself and I will allow myself to feel all the anger, fear, pain, sadness, hopelessness and misery, has given me so much comfort and hope. It´s like I have found out, that the best protection from getting emotionally hurt is knowing that I am strong enough to feel the hurt to it´s full length!

I will face it because that is how I will always also be able to let it go (my mind will stop pondering about it because there will be no „questions“ unanswered about the issue as I have fully let the negative emotion go through me). Instead of not addressing it, telling myself oh I´m fine and turning the other cheek, which actually meant keeping it inside forever where it caused only more pain. The latter is something I have done for most of my life (I´m in my late twenties). The mindfulness technique says, that we should learn to approach negative emotions as mere visitors (Aha, so this is what self-pity feels like...) and not as intrinsic items of ourselves. I know, this can be very hard to apply when you are grown into always keeping the negative emotions and letting them affect you, especially when the hurt is (so often unjustly) caused by people who should be your nearest and dearest. I know I have let the negative emotions mold my personality, so it´s difficult to be honest and compassionate but also critical towards myself.

As you have had to put up with such horrifying conditions, I hope you have someone close to confide in or maybe see a therapist. I know from experience, that starting to address my hidden emotions can lead to overwhelming pain and subsequently feeling only more depressed.

And as to your college failing on you, shame on them. But the thing that really matters, is that you are smart and want to be even smarter (getting through all those classes must have given you new knowledge and maybe skills). There is a way out of every hellhole. I have found out, that mine is about starting to really be there for myself and making the rest of the world take a few steps back. I will be able to attend to everybody else better, when my own need to be truly heard by myself is fulfilled. Your may need a different approach, but I know that you can do it.

Dealing with pain is a very daring task and I am on the beginning of this road. I have no illusions, certainly there will be stuff, that I will rather not face and on many dark days, I will daydream to cover the pain. But I really feel hopeful about my life at this point, that is something rather new.

PS. Daydreams of a realistic and achievable better life for yourself in the (near) future, can actually be very helpful. You can start by think on one aspect of yourself or something in your life, that you want to change and dream about it. What would it really be like, feel like? What small steps can you take in real life, to start moving towards that better life?

Strength and compassion to all of us.