I believe in dreams

[Rezona]

Life. My life. What is it and what does it mean? 21 years old and at her community college with no end in sight or any real plan. *shrugs* I have so many dreams and wishes about my life but not the patience to endure the years getting there; if I get there of course.

The college education, the high paying dream job, the husband, the house, the kids. One would think all these things could be achieved by the age of thirty. Unfortunately the nine years I have to achieve this list seems highly unrealistic.

Oh time, my greatest enemy with which I fight a constant battle! 21 and not even near my end result. Two years at my cc, 2013; I'll be 24. Then another two years until my bachelors; 26; finally four years in medical school; 30. A new doctor, most likely in extreme debt from college loans, thrown into the professional world of medicine. Yes a huge portion of my wants will be for filled! But at what price? Will I have gone completely crazy from the last nights of heavy school work or completely transformed in to a die hard unhappy workaholic. I can't help but be overwhelmed with just the thought of the immense amount of effort I'll have to exert in making it to my end goal of doctor! Yes the word is glorious but the day to day in hopes to the submit realistically, less than desirable.

I know it will be worth it, I try to keep my head up. Smiling at little victories such as finishing those pesky lab reports or being able to pry myself out of bed and make it to class everyday; yes victories. On my worst days amongst the rush and confusion, I am comforted knowing the end of the day will eventually come and I'll be able to lay my head on my soft welcoming pillow and drift into my happy place.

Daydreaming, my comfort. The stillness of my room, the warmth of my blankets, the security of my own realm where anything can be done and undone. All the endless possibilities that can be done without the loom of time. In my head I've already lived many lives, travelled many lands, met the greatest of men and accomplished the mightiest of acts. However when reality finally regains my attention I'm reminded or how inadequate I really am. Reality hurts...but so does the truth. I refuse to let myself be satisfied with just the dreams in my mind. I wish to experience them with my own eye, my own hands, my own heart.

As I wrote in a previous blog post on my current daydreams. One of which was my life with Poe, my husband. He, with a very high paying job and successful. What makes this DD so precious to me is that I am able to incorporate the real me in to it. The untalented, insecure, wanting, wishing, authentic me. The average girl with curly hair, trying hard but never actually making it. In this DD I am a little over thirty, with four children (4,6,6,8); living in a cozy house in Manhattan. Poe, an executive at an influential accounting firm striving to provide for his family. While I not a "go get em" kind of girl is totally satisfied being a stay at home mom. I can definitely see myself reflected in both poe and my character. There is poe which represents my need to succeed, to win. Then the other part of me that wants to find a man who'll take care of me even if I am not able to reach my dreams.

Along with the education I so desire and the high paying dream job, I also have the need to have a family of my own. I am 21 and have never dated anyone. It's not because I am unattractive or can't find anyone interested but because I am so picky. You'd think when choosing your LIFE! partner people would be a little more picky, I mean he will be the face you'll be waking up to every morning. Anyways I won't get in to any of that cause I'm far too complicated to explain but I want children!

I want children even if I never find "the one". Yes I will be one of those women that by the age of 32 will be researching every sperm bank, spending countless hours searching for the perfect donor, meticulously comparing and contrasting each and every detail. Yes I know I'm 21, young...but let's be real, my biological clock is ticking. Babies after 40 run a high risk for defects. And yes I still have plenty of time before the ever coming age of 32. In eleven years much can be accomplished like my education and my soul mate walking into the picture. Eh but if he doesn't I have my backup plan in which I'm totally secure and confident in. I'm very independent and honestly could truly live as a bachlorette; plus I'm far to picky to just settle.

Back to the whole scheme of things; I'm a new doctor at 30. So what? I work two years and get pregnant cause my arch nemesis time is passionlessly closing the door to motherhood. As I sit here and plan my life I get nervous because I want everything to line up however realistically am I just setting myself up for disaster. Reality hurts but I refuse to not be all that my mind can dream.

My dreams are so comforting and powerful because they're what I want my life to be. Successful, loved and needed. And I'm very grateful because they allow me to feel a glimpse of what I am working so hard for everyday. They encourage me to keep going. In a lyric from believe in dreams by Flyleaf, she sings, "believe in the dreams you love so much, let the passion of your heart make them real." I hold this quote close to my heart.

The long hours, the discomfort, irritability, breakdowns with no end in sight, nonetheless when I close my eyes at night I am able to be reminded of the passion of my heart.

Father time taps his watch and watches me cringe, I beat myself up for the length of time it's taking me to accomplish my desires. *shrugs* but what good is the harsh criticism. I'll get there eventually. I can't wait until the day I'm able to wake up and realize I'm finally there.

[Mira]

I'm pushing 30 and I have a great job, but I'm definitely not married, nor do I have any children. I have a boyfriend (who I'm crazy about), but I have trust issues, so it's taken longer than expected for me to be comfortable with the idea of marriage. (Or even children)

But that's okay- I'm just glad to be where I am, nevermind how long it took.

I guess what I'm saying is, one step at a time. Like the previous commenter said, focus on what you love and what you want, and what you can do right now to move towards that. It's a big bad world out there full of smart, imaginative men who are sometimes tough to spot, but nonetheless exist. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being picky. :)

[Lightman]

Wow, you remind me so much of myself, especially the me I was seven years ago. At 27, I have the great education and the high paying job. I'm looking for the husband, and think that once I find him the kids and the house will work itself out. 

 

Here is what I would say to the 20 year old me: 

Find your passion and go for it, If you genuinely want to be a doctor because you'll love to help people and enjoy science- Go for it! I love what I do, and that carried me through. Money and status are great, but alone they are not enough. Plus with MD, you need something that you love doing more than DD. 

 

There is a great song I listen to (almost every day) James Taylor sings  "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...". Enjoy the journey, live everyday and try to appreciate the place you are in. Make time your ally! 

 

If you become a doctor, nobody can take that away from you. If being a stay at home mom is what you want, you can still do that! But you will always have options and especially with the economy and the world being as it is. It is never wise to put your fate and ability to support yourself in the hands of others (if you have the choice).

 

If you are picky and want a educated successful guy, chances of meeting him are higher if you also move in the same circle. You make friends at university that will follow you through life.