I am an emotionally confused human being

[Elizabeth Moore]

This is mostly about what concessions you should be expected to make for the sake of a mentally ill member of your family when you do not want to make them, and how to avoid behaving unfairly towards them. It is also a seriously long, ranty post, but I would be so grateful if you read it.

My relationship with my mother fell apart when I was about twelve, and at the time I had no idea why - all I knew was that interactions with her often made me feel angry and spiteful and frustrated. My relations with her have nose-dived over the past two years, and I really don't know what to do about it, and how much I am expected to do about it.

I now realise that, although I don't know exactly why this has happened, there are a few clues. 1) I have little trust in my mum's willingness or ability to engage with any emotional problems I have. When we came home from shopping when I was twelve-ish we found a note left by my brother saying 'I'm sorry I haven't done any revision - I was trying to work out why I shouldn't throw myself in front of a train'. My mum never said a word about that incident, and only rarely spoke about my brother's depression in general, once even asking me to stop crying so much (I had my own problems at the time, which again were never really discussed) because it was upsetting my brother. 2) All the advice she has ever given me is bad, from "oh, you won't have mood swings when you're a teenager" to awful advice on bras which has left my bosom misshapen (I was too naive to seek a second opinion at the time). 3) She, unlike everyone else, refuses to believe that I am an intelligent human being, and discourages me from setting myself high goals, even if they are perfectly achievable. 4) My mother is irrational, and I have no patience for irrationality - a flaw which I hope to train myself out of. She reacts to minor things like dropping something as if it's a disaster, and has a permanent guilt complex which compels her to apologise repeatedly for the most trivial things. 5) The stress she brings to the household. Not only does her general worrying and feeling of guilt make things stressful, she had a breakdown due to psychosis last summer, and still refuses to accept that she was hallucinating, and that she was forcibly taken into a secure mental hospital.

Anyway, now I am at best short with her and at worst openly hostile. I don't feel any emotion towards her at all - when she broke down and was taken into hospital, all I could feel was relief that I didn't have to cope with her psychosis any more, and aside from that I felt completely blank. This afternoon I went out for a walk for just one hour in broad daylight and apparently she started worrying, and my brother said I should have warned her, and that I should make concessions to her mental ill health. But I made concessions to my brother's ill health, and also to my 'best friend' at my old school, and I convinced myself that it was my job to help them. I now see that was hogwash, and I am unwilling to make concessions to my mum, even though I know I should. I am also unable to, even when my guilt about how she must perceive my behaviour makes me want to. I am unable to see why a seventeen year old should have to consult her mother before going for a walk, mental illness or none. I do want to modify my behaviour, but I don't know how and I don't know by how much. I know I should probably talk to someone IRL about this, but I can't get it out right. So yeah. Advice? I want to find a way forward

DFTBA (hah, the irony)

/end post

[Pascale]

When a child has to be her mother helper it put everything upside down. You are having a normal reaction to a abnormal situation. In your situation daydreaming about normal family relations may be the best you can do.

The way forward: you have to move out, if it is not realistic before a couple of years you may begyn to plan now. Dream realistic about your life. Only when you have control about your own life you may think helping other, or you will end like your brother.

Seek conseling. You seem a very normal and healthy person but you childwood was abnormal and it has affected you. The sooner you get help, the better you future life will be.

[OhMyMagenta]

After reading your post, it sounds as though your mother is suffering from a major mental illness. Growing up in a household like that can be difficult for all parties involved. Yes, it's important to keep in the forefront of your mind that she is mentally ill and is most likely not doing these things out of spite or anger towards you. However, it is also important to take care of your own mental health and know your limits on how much you can handle. Take breaks when you can; visit other family or friends. It may also be beneficial to research your mothers diagnosis and learn how to better navigate the waters when she's symptomatic. Hope this helps.

[taffle]

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. I am living in a similar situation at home. I'm not sure what advice to offer, but here's what I think: as long as I'm living with mentally ill people, I need to make concessions to them if I want peace of mind. I have learned the hard way that trying to argue against them is futile. Maybe if you move out, you won't have to deal with this again, but you might feel guilt for 'abandoning' her.