Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I'd really appreciate if someone listened. No one ever listens to me.
Lately everythings so messed up. i dont know.
My parents bother me SO MUCH. well, my mom. Lately, everything she does annoys me. She treats me like a baby, always talks in stupid voices to make me laugh but its not funny. I hate it, i really do. sometimes ill say like "can you please stop treating me like im 5? its so annoying. treat me like im an adult please." and she'll say like "OHHHHHH STOPPPPPPPP" and will playfully punch me. She never takes me seriously. she always wants to cuddle and give me kisses. im almost 18.
i have no privacy. If im in my room with the door closed, she'll just barge in. If im in the shower, she'll just barge in, if im on the toilet, she'll just barge in.
she only likes conversations with me if its about school or talking about people. If i talk about my interests she just says like "oh..thats nice." or she doesnt answer or pay attention to me when im talking. Then i get mad and she says "just because im not looking at you while you talk or answer doesnt mean im not listening". yeah. and shes so TOUCHY. she cant walk past me without pushing me or poking me. And she always OVER EXPLAINS THINGS. she'll say something, ill understand. then she'll keep explaining. then she'll repeat everything she says. and im like "I GET IT" and she gets mad. and says pointless things all the time.
at this point i just respond to her in a rude tone all the time. I dont mean to, but it just happens. i wish i didnt, but it happens. I get so annoyed as soon as i see her. I like my characters approaches at being parents. Because when their children become teenagers, theyre much more...normal. Like, they talk to their kids as if theyre friends, not annoying moms. they still parent their teenagers, but they dont treat the like there 5, they dont talk to them in baby voices, they try to befriend their kids, and everythings just...chill. If they do something bad they still get in trouble, but They treat them like human beings. If my parents were like that, we would get along much better. It just makes me want to daydream all the time. Lately, I have been daydreaming about my main characters as adults because I like watching interact with their kids. They all have good relationships with them.
another thing thats been bothering me is that I cant love anyone. I dont know why. i feel no love for anyone. I dont feel like I "love" my. I dont love my boyfriend (he told me loved me a couple times and i hesitated when i answered and he noticed). even if a friend says like "thanks for the gift! i love you!!!" i dont like to say it back. I do love my characters, though. But i cant love real people who im suppose to love? Ive felt this way for a long time. I just feel so not normal.
and one more thing. I have one friend, and we are together all the time. I told her about my md once (ugh) and she listened. She comes to me when she needs a good lugh, or a conversation, or wanting to go out. But as soon as shes upset and needs to talk to someone/vent....its never me. ever. a matter of fact, none of my friends ive ever had EVER come to me when theyre upset or need advice. They dont take me seriously. She will tell the most random people about her problems, but not me. It kind of hurts. This makes me not want to vent to anyone, why should i let someone into my personal life if others wont let me? im always sp bottled up because I dont have a friend to vent to. I used to go to a councellor.....but every month she would cancel the day before my appointment. Cause, you know, that makes me feel good. She called the other day to reschedule a another appointment but i didnt bother. Shes just giving the impression she doesnt want to talk to me, i dont care what the actual reasons were. she did this 4 months in a row.
everyone used to talk to me just because id make them laugh. To avoid being awkward, i used to say really random/stupid things and people would laugh, but no one would take me seriously as a person. I remember in grade 8, one of my best friends (at the time) had to tell our other best friend and this other girl something that happened. when i asked what happened, she said "I cant tell you??? youd tell everyone or something". that really hurt my feelings becuause ive never done that to someone, ever.
All i want is to be taken seriously. I dont like joking around anymore. i want to have serious conversations with people. I want to disscuss things, i want to be treated like my age but no one does. I am so depressed all the time and all this stuff bothers me, and on top of all of that, im extremely awkward and i cant do anything. i just want to die all the time. if i was dead i wouldnt have to deal with anything. I dont even like life at all. The only way life is worth living is if youre rich. I dont want to work all my life, barley making enough money support myself and a family, and then die.Theres nothing fufilling in my life to make me want to live except for daydreaming. If i wasnt concerned about my parents wasting thousands of dollars for me to go to college and thinking about people going to my funeral i would just kill myself.