Where wild minds come to rest
Hello friends. I'm NE of this joint account, although I'm not sure my friend will post anytime soon. I've been suffering from MD for a while now, probably not as long as other people, but long. In fact, I'm not sure how long I've had it, I could have had it my whole life, or perhaps only a few years, I only noticed it as a problem when I was in seventh grade. But enough of my ramblings, onto the story.
~Quick side note, I often will refer to myself a Kitty, a name I often use in my daydreams, instead of NE or my real name~
I haven't told anyone this story, at least not fully.
This is where I think my MD originated. It was in sixth grade, and I had only a few friends. I had had them for forever, and I trusted them. But I guess that didn't matter to them. They told me no one cared about me or will ever care about me. They told me I was worthless, and should go die. So I went to another group of people I somewhat new, but they also betrayed my trust. They spread untrue rumors about me, and made me feel like I shouldn't exist. They definitely weren't the greatest of friends, but it still hurt me that they hated me. It hurt so bad that the last months of my school year were spent crying to myself in secluded areas around the schoolyard (during recess, of course). It didn't help that the lunch ladies seemed to hate me, because they banned everything I tried to do, and I was forced to sit by someone whom despised me for no apparent reason on the bus. I had no refuge, no one to talk to. I was alone, and no one could help me. The only place i was safe was my daydreams. I tell myself I don't blame them for my now apparent problems, but deep down, I know I somewhat do.
Fast forward to seventh grade, I'm walking down the hallway to one of my classes. I bump into a person walking down the hall, and realize I had been zoned (no pun intended) out the whole walk. Thinking back, I realized this happens often, and is probably a bit of a problem. But I dismissed it, blaming it on the fact that its school, and very boring. But as time goes on, I realized that it isn't happening just at school, its everywhere. It is a big problem. And its getting worse.
Ninth grade, I had been obsessed with Quotev for a few months. Particularly quizzes on mental disorders. I had started to associate my symptoms with schizophrenia (because I do occasionally hear voices, but that's because of... other... reasons..... yeah). But then I found a quiz on something called Maladaptive Daydreaming. The daydreaming part got my attention (I didn't know what maladaptive ment). I took the quiz, and got the answer that I probably had it. In fact, after reading their description of the disorder, I realized this is exactly what I had been experiencing. Then a few weeks later, my health teacher took us to the computer lab. We were supposed to look for articles on one of the types of health, one of them being mental health. I decided to do my assignment on MD. I had been doing research on MD, but came across an article I hadn't seen before. After reading through the article, I found a link to a site. This site. I was hesitate at joining at first, but after a few months passed and I found out one of my friends had MD as well, we decided to do a joint account. And now here we are, at this point in time. I'm writing this, while simultaneously trying to memorize lines and dances for theatre, and also trying to not to give in to my daydreams. And also hiding my tablet from prying eyes, because friends.
I want to believe my daydreaming isn't bad, isn't getting worse. But it doesn't change the fact that it won't go away. It's part of my lifestyle now. The fact that it comes on without me knowing, the fact that only one person knows and I'm actively hiding it from everyone else, the fact that it triggers from anything and everything I see, hear, or think. The fact that it’s stealing my life from me.