Where wild minds come to rest
I probably should have guessed that pacing around for hours on end obsessing over events and people that exist only in my mind wasn’t normal. I did have some suspicions, but I never thought my habit of ‘thinking’ was something like MD. I’ve had an active imagination my entire life, but I don’t think it was excessive until I was about eight years old, maybe a bit younger. Nothing traumatic happened to me, so I can’t really say why I started daydreaming so much. As far as I can remember, daydreaming was just what I did when I wasn’t occupied with anything. If I wasn’t doing homework, watching videos, playing a game, or in a conversation, I was daydreaming about absolutly everything. Mostly it was mini-stories and characters based off of emotions, toys, characters from movies and books, or my surroundings. There wasn’t one coherent story at first, just a bunch of little daydreams strung together. But it was very pleasant , and I enjoyed it immensely.
Then one day it occurred to me that I could make anything I wanted inside of my head. I wasn’t limited to what other people had thought up. I could create any scenario, any character, any set of rules for any universe within my daydreams. That’s when I started daydreaming more seriously. I made up my own story, with my own characters. I loved being able to decide what happened and how they felt. It was like watching a movie, except I could see anything I wanted to happen in it. I was constantly working on my story, from dawn until dusk. If I wasn’t occupied with something else, I was inside my head obsessing over some scene of my story. I only told one person about what was happening in my story, no one else. It was extremely important to me.
I hit an emotional low point in 7th grade that lasted through the first half of 9th grade. I didn’t make any close friends, besides the one I told my story to, and at that point in my life I became convinced I never would, or at least I could never maintain another friendship like that. I poured my negative emotions into my daydreams, my one coherent story. Suddenly the sanctuary of my head wasn’t such a nice place, either. I didn’t know what else to do though, so I kept daydreaming. Eventually, I had had enough. I was rid of my negative feelings, but in the process I let go of my favorite daydream. With my new mindset, I thought that was the end of my problems. But I was wrong. Something wasn’t quite right. Everyone else around me seemed to be getting involved in the real world, like helping with the community, going the extra mile for a certain faction, things like that. While I, though having excellent grades and a clean behavioral record, wasn’t at all interested in putting myself out there. I was trying to make a decent artist out of myself, as I had picked up a love of drawing, but even in the art community there were people writing out their stories and character designs and turning them into something more official at least. I couldn’t stop daydreaming and changing around events in my head to write or draw anything official from my stories(which I did create more, but I’m trying not to invest too much in a single daydream alone). I realized that I was spending a lot of time unproductively in the real world, though the term ‘daydreaming’ hadn’t even occurred to me. I started searching the internet for something that described me, perhaps a personality type or preferred way of thinking. I wasn’t expecting maladaptive daydreaming, and I definitely wasn’t expecting to find articles online that described so perfectly what was going on inside of my head. MD just fit me to a T. I could not believe it. When I thought about it, my love of daydreaming was akin to a feeling of need. I walk around in circles when I daydream, and my daydreams have often been greatly inspired by movies and books. I tried giving my daydreaming a rest for a while, but this urge to go back inside my head kept pulling me back. This whole realization put me in a state of panic. When something upsets me or leaves an impression, I usually don’t deal with my emotions all at once over a few days. I draw it out over weeks or months, and this time was no exception. I’ve actually had this account for about a month now, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything on it. I’m still pretty freaked out, but I think I at least know my stance on my daydreaming. I don’t want to stop, not completely anyway. But I have to be able to put my daydreams aside long enough to progress in the real world. I’m still in highschool, so it hasn’t been too much of a wrench in things yet, but things are catching up with me. Many people in my grade already have part time jobs, and I’m still not super involved in anything I don’t absolutely have to be. I don’t want to be left behind, but I don’t want to give up daydreaming. Maybe there’s away I can use my daydreams to work with the real world?
I’m still trying to figure things out. I hope that maybe sharing my experiences will help other people here, and I hope that it will help me, too. :3