Growing Inward

[Water Lily]

I recently forced myself to go see a counselor about my MD and associated depression - who recommended me to a bunch of other psychologists - who are impossible to get in touch with.

When I was walking to the appointment, I was going through what I would tell the counselor - trying to make a point of saying things that would NOT make me overly emotional or cry.  Because I wanted the meeting to be productive - to get the facts across to the doctor - to have a quick answer to: can I be fixed?

Plus, I just can't cry in front of an absolute stranger. No way.

As I was walking along the college sidewalk I kept looking out for people I knew, thinking "please don't let them see me walk to "that-kind-of" doctor - please don't let them see me select "the third floor" - don't ask me where I'm going I'd have to lie..".  When I got into the waiting room I glanced around quickly - No one I knew - phew. 

In the world of academia - your brain is the asset. If a colleague saw me; they may doubt my potential.

And I felt sick in that waiting room, because I realized in such a long time I had been trying to "grow outward" - to be seen as "normal" as "acceptable" to my peers. That if my life looked normal to an outsider - it was - and MD would be no issue.  But all this time spent "growing outward" I have been ignoring my own reality and putting others desires and wants ahead of my own. 

I realized that my visit to "that-kind-of" doctor was the first true step I had taken toward actively show someone what I was on the inside. I like to think of this as my first step toward "growing inward". To allow myself to let my intrinsic self see the light of day - and see the reaction on someones face when I lift my outward veil. 

[Iris]

I think we daydreamers have "chosen" MD, because we can keep it a secret. We hide it in our head and we know, that no-one knows about it. To the outside we seem to be normal or even relaxed and only we know, what is going on inside us. As you said so well: we ignore our own realities and put others desires and wants ahead of our own.

So to do just the opposite and talk to someone about it is really a big step.

[Amanda Lewone]

This is such a great post! For so many reasons. 

So much of our life is about painting the exterior. If you imagine that you are a house, we maintain the outside really well and completely forget to maintain the inside - which is really problematic because the inside is where you live. 

I hope you continue this journey and see where it takes you. 

I really liked this too:

"To allow myself to let my intrinsic self see the light of day - and see the reaction on someones face when I lift my outward veil. "