Greetings from Lendomane!

[Afan]

I am a lifelong fantasist, artist, and writer whose obsessions have endured essentially unchanged for decades. I was misdiagnosed as Autistic twice as a child, first when I was 3 or 4, then again when I was 10. I tried to fit myself into the Aspergers mould when this dx became trendy in the early 1990s, but the empathy deficit, a defining characteristic of the spectrum, simply did not fit. My parents and child therapists,  assumed I was lacking in empathy because of the content of my fantasy world, which was abundantly accessible through my writings and artwork since I was 8 or 9 years old. They were frightened by the elements of sadism and violence in my fantasy life and did not know what to make of it. I would hope that if any child presented with this evidence today the therapist would take a good hard look at the family environment. Instead I was slapped with an autism diagnosis for the second time.  Eli Somer pretty much nailed it in his paper on MD and DID: "Recurrent themes in MD fantasies included violence, imagining an idealized self, power and control, captivity, followed by rescue and escape, and sexual arousal-themes that also typically preoccupy the minds of childhood survivors of neglect and trauma."

I am the oldest of five siblings raised in a chaotic atmosphere of neglect, abuse, and alcoholism. I clearly recall being locked up in a room with 2 other siblings, including an infant, for many hours on end when I was very young. I was too emotionally withdrawn at 4 to participate in a nursery school setting and was unwilling to relate to other children, so this resulted in my first autism diagnosis. Mind you this was the late 1950s when very little was known about Autism.  I had a different father from the other siblings but this fact was hidden from me until I was a vulnerable teenager. We were all subjected to highly charged ritualized punishments from my stepfather who liked to use a frat paddle and make the kids bow in submission to take the beating. Worse, I witnessed the stepfather torturing my younger sister by making her hold matches until they burned down to her fingers, as a correction to playing with fire!  I developed my fantasy world as a means of escape and dealing with the constant trauma of my family existence.  My mother did not “get” me and continually mocked and put me down, often invading my creations by scrawling them with hurtful words which I would discover when I returned to them.  She probably did not want to face the accusation implicit in my works. Better to throw the blame on me for being defective and disturbed.  Typically in the alcoholic family scenario one child is selected to be the scapegoat, particularly the one who tells the truth.

When I was 14 the family was riven by divorce. My mom dumped all five kids into a Massachusetts hippie commune so she hang out with her druggie boy friends.  In a cruel twist I was then informed that I had a different and wholly unknown (to me) father, so in addition to physical dislocation I had to cope with a severe shock to my essential identity. The cult commune was a decent refuge in some ways but its long-haired members were no more understanding of my fantasy world than any others had been; for the supposed avant-garde, the young new agers were surprisingly commonplace and unimaginative.

I finally escaped the family by marrying at 21. Despite my prodigious intellectual and artistic gifts I was far too traumatized to attend university, even if such an opportunity had been available. I devoted myself to my art and fantasy, keeping the latter hidden. I had a son who is now well-adjusted, socially secure, and financially comfortable. How did I manage to raise a son who has all the confidence and self-regard that my parents never gave to me? I attribute it to the deep inner resources that I was able to cultivate as a traumatized child with the fantasy and art. My parents were never able to destroy my empathy and loving self, no matter how hard they tried to belittle and betray me.  In fact I am convinced that the fantasy narrative enabled me to preserve my empathy and loving self in the face of unremitting negativity.

I am still devoted to my fantasy narrative in its present form which has changed little over the past four decades. As a painter I have recently started to express the more controversial aspects of this epic in some truly beautiful and compelling works. I am painting to please myself. If not at age 58, then when?  I have just been forced to retire from a job of 29 years, which has been both a blessing and a curse. I have lived in my Brooklyn apartment for 37 years.  I pursue many interests and avocations as an independent scholar, and keep a magnificent library of over 4,000 volumes. I have travelled to Africa and Jamaica numerous times.  I am not an alcoholic like my other siblings. The fantasy life is not exactly maladaptive, but perhaps it has kept me from fulfilling my potential, whatever that might have been. I am still coping with loneliness and social exclusion due to my eccentricities, but this is often the way of the artist it seems.

I am looking forward to learning how others are dealing with the fantasy life and the circumstances that created it. Thank you for the opportunity.

AFAN

[Queen Dopamine]

I read every word of this and I'm extremely touched by the content. I wish I were not at work right now because I think I'm too emotional to continue working, at least for awhile. First, you're a very articulate writer. Second, I can't even begin to comment on what you endured because it breaks my heart. Third, I am intrigued by stories where survivors, such as yourself, come out the other side still empathetic and caring, despite what they went through. 

Though I have pieced together my own conclusions about MD from my experience, it's always refreshing to hear someone else's story and how MD helped them cope and adapt. As an outsider though, I think it is wonderful that you're painting, traveling, and reading a lot--this all impresses me greatly! I'm glad you posted on here and shared this.

I find myself on here quite a lot, even when people aren't posting. It's a supportive environment here, unlike any other online forum I've participated in. I hope to hear more from you, AFAN