First Post - Therapeutic Obsession

[Mira]

I'm a little unsure what to post here- what if someone I know reads it?? I'm so paranoid about Internet privacy...

 

I've been daydreaming for a long time. For as long as I can remember. I've never had imaginary friends, per se, I've always just dreamed up alternate versions of my own life.  Scenarios and events far more exciting than the ones that actually happen to me. 

 

In reality I'm quite shy and have low self-esteem. I have a lot of anxiety. I'm afraid of too many things. For instance, I've never learned to swim, drive a car, or skate. I can't deal with roller coasters and I suck at jaywalking. I'm terrified of people most of all- so terrified of offending or inconveniencing people that I'm socially clumsy and awkward and self-conscious. Most of my closest friends over the years have been people with very strong personalities who enjoyed being with someone who let them do all the talking.

 

I'm in therapy, and it is doing me a lot of good. Except for one thing- the daydreaming. It's something I haven't really talked about much, and I'm absolutely terrified to do so. I've been seeing the same therapist off and on for three years, and I trust him very much. There's just one problem...

 

I daydream about him. Like, a LOT. 

 

It's not sexual or even romantic. It's actually quite pathetically innocent. I'm still deeply ashamed of it though. I only get to see him once a week for 45 minutes, and he's such a fascinating person that my brain just won't leave it alone. Speculation after speculation. I don't mind daydreaming about what I would (or should) say to him in-session: that's actually quite helpful. It took me a really loooong time to be able to talk about myself. It's the other stuff I can't seem to help. 

 

Thing is, he knows I like him and look up to him and find him fascinating. There's a strong bond there. He seems very pleased about that because he wants to help me connect with people better, and he sees that as an opportunity.  But I'm pretty sure he hasn't got a clue just how much I...imagine...about him. I just joined this site, so I haven't got the balls to describe any of it here. But it's like living with your brain stuck on the same channel, which is tuned to the same show, and you can't seem to turn it off or switch to the news channel or something because every time you try, it just gets better and better.

 

Did I mention I'm a writer? Hi, I'm a writer. My imagination does nothing halfway. So that "channel" I'm describing is in HD, with the volume turned waaaay up. EVERYTHING is a possible, branching narrative with me. I squander countless hours on the "what ifs". 

 

The "what ifs" are sucking away precious hours of my life. I spend a stupid amount of time dreaming up ways to distract myself, and then not using them. I own tons of awesome-looking books that I haven't read yet and video games I haven't played. Hell, I work in video games, which you'd think would be interesting enough, but hells no, I still daydream too much at work.

 

Okay, this is turning into a rant. Thoughts? Advice?

[Mira]

I published two non-fiction career books a few years ago, but those were freelance projects for somebody else that were kind of just "on-rails". I've had the occasional article published online/in print as well. I have a pretty bizarre writing history.

I also work at a company that makes games for Smartphones, though I'm not sure if that counts as "published" lol.

I really, really want to finish a novel, but I have such a hard time concentrating on writing fiction! Poetry I can handle just fine, but fiction is hard for me to stay put long enough for (though I am competent at it).

 

You've given me a lot to think about, btw. I kind of felt like a freak that my therapist somehow became my imaginary friend, my conscience and my commedia dell'arte of one character, all rolled into one. On the one hand, I guess I'm getting my money's worth, but on the other hand I'm scared of becoming TOO attached, and using him as an excuse to mentally avoid thinking about things that are unpleasant.

[Pascale]

Congratulation. you say you are terrified to tell about yourself and you just did it her. I often have DD conversation with people I know. I see it as a way to thing and not the worse kind of DD. I think you like your therapist because He does a good job, and thats why he is pleased about it.

It is easy to get facinated about a person who take 45 mn just to here or speak about you. Specialy when nobody else does it.

I will tell you a secret, when you DD about your therapist you are playing both role. And it is real. I mean, you are just trying to be your own terapist as 45 mn a week is not enough. I am going in therapy too and now my therapist is asking me in the begining of each session where I am now. Because the therapy does not stop when I go out of her office. And I think it is something to be proud of, not ashamed.

Tell yourself that you also are a facinating person. Have your published something yet?

[Paradox]

I have had several psychologists, and have never had the guts to bring up the MD stuff.

I don't include my psychologists in my main DDs, but I often have pretend conversations with them, like if I'm trying to think through a problem, or deal with an emotion, I'll have an imaginary conversation with the therapist to help me figure things out.  I don't consider this the same as day dreaming, but maybe it is on some level.  Who knows where healthy imagination ends and MD begins. 

[Mira]

Thank  you. :)

Na, me being me, I've examined and re-examined my interest in him ad nauseum in my head and mostly just come to the conclusion that I'm far too interested in psychology, and hence he (researcher, psychoanalyst, academic, etc) just piques my curiosity just a little too much. I don't have very many intellectual friends/acquaintances that I am not either terrified of offending, or terrified of being offended BY. Plus he has similar tastes, similar background and a similar way of looking at the world. (I think? Or is that my imagination talking?)

That makes it easy for me as a patient, but drives me crazy as a person, because I want to know more about him, but I can't really waste time in sessions about it, and I'm far too shy to ask him about himself anyway. So my mind runs rampant instead.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't noticed he really seems to like working with me, but he's professional to a fault.

 

That said, I always keep an eye on that slippery slope, just in case.  ;)

 

 

[roxanne]

I worked with a psychiatrist (a co-worker) whom I used to DD about all the time.  I was not sexually attracted to him, although he was young & attractive enough.  At the time I was much more into Denzel Washington, romantically speaking.  But I did enjoy hours of conversation with this doctor to sort out all sorts of things.  And most of it was made up stuff.  For instance I would discuss with him issues pertaining to my DD persona, or to myself but with made up issues.  Sometimes I would even fantasize myself as his patient.  Your relationship sounds like a slippery slope - like it could become romantic - but I know mine never did, so I take you at your word that yours is not either.  I think the romantic fantasies take it to a whole new level, although certainly transference is something doctors are well aware of & able to use  to their advantage.