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I'm a blab. I like to tell people about their christmas presents before they open them. I like talking about the interesting things, sometimes their relevant sometimes  their secret. But i have a need to express myself, i hate bottling myself up like this. 

This has been so hidden from view even i could't see i had a secret. My sister has caught me many times talking to myself, smiling into the distance laughing at something my characters do or say. She knows i'm a little crazy, i can deal with it. But she would;t understand so my excuse is 'i like reading out what i'm writing' and the excuse spirals with no work to show. I hold back how i feel, i can't even cry in front of people unless their my family, but even then it's restricted to my mum or if my sister walks in on me sobbing. So i hold my thoughts, let them sink into my skin until their permanant and then i regret getting an awful tattoo that is my depression. 

I tell my mum everything. She knows when i first had my sexual debut, what contraception i use, that time i smoked weed, how i sit alone at lunch. I don't necessarily like her knowing these things, a part of me feels like she may have a picture of a weak person when i'm actually very assertive just vulnerable and sensitive, but strong and kind. SO when i discovered this secret, i knew i had to tell her. But i haven't. I don;t want to chuck more soil on this mountain of problems. So i've zipped my mouth even though she knows i daydream a lot, i was always like that as a child, and she actually stuck up for me because of it. 

My teachers used to say they'd fix my concentration and mum would always say 'but that's just her' 'She's learning and listening in her own way' cos i wasn't stupid. They would try giving my blu tac to play with to help me focus, but as soon as their back was turned and then looked back at me, i had a little farm going with dogs and giant snails, fences as well to keep them in of course. And so the teachers learned their lesson and decided to leave me be. Mum knew shooting a kids imagination when young cripples their creativity, and considering i hate office jobs, i'm glad i got to develop my creativity to a point i can make a career out of it. Bless this world for mothers right?! 

But this is something i am not ready to tell her. So i turned to my therapist and i was very nervous. I went to our session on a Thursday (the day i'm writing this) and at first we spoke about other things, like my hate of confrontation and sitting alone at lunch, it was at the last 15 minutes i plucked up the courage to say "you know... i actually really want to tell you something" she was all ears, and when i told her i was vague about it. I did not give it a name i just said daydreaming. And BOOM she got it, it was so normal for her, like i told her cats meow. She was like 'oh yeah it's very common' 

She reassured me it was a very normal thing to do, to protect yourself in the form of daydreaming. I explained how it dimmed my perspective on reality because i never feel it can live up to the standard, but i have to get in touch to go anywhere in life. I don;t want to stare at my ceiling forever. Sometimes i get bored of my MD and thats when i get up and do shit. So we talked and it felt so nice to just be open. I nearly cried in front of her, but i've never really done that in front of people, let alone strangers. And she is technically a stranger because i know fuck all about her, other then she had a lovely christmas. I kept it together but knew that maybe crying would of felt even better, to experience that emotion right there... i'm not sure how the outcome would of been, but it's certainly something i'll daydream about ;) 

So walking away from this i just wanted to tell my mum even more. Unfortunately my parents best man at their wedding passed away so it was a sad day, we had family friends over as a nice get to together under horrible circumstances. And it was nice, because my family friends have a daughter my age and we've been partners in crime since we were babies and were able to kick people in queues and not understand why people had a problem with it. It was so nice talking to her like we did when children, obviously not discussing Hannah Montana and who's going to be chloe from Bratz, but so comfortable you feel like their your sister. It was wonderful, but i never had chance to tell my mum about this MD. Tomorrow, after horrible college. I'll let you know. 

More soon. (because i'm tired and want to sleep. Not even gonna edit) 

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Comment by Dimmer on January 23, 2017 at 4:18pm

That sounds like a really positive first experience with telling someone.  I think yours is the first account I've come across where your MD was immediately recognized and accepted for what it was... even people telling their therapists and psychologists have got the what-is-that look. So that's great! That it was all met well. Maybe she could give you tips on how to tell your mother.

Comment by Kim Katz on January 9, 2017 at 7:02am

thank you for sharing ...

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