Finally letting it out after all these years...some weight off my shoulders!

[Days go by as I wonder]

This is what I have been looking for, forever! I have been to 2 or 3 therapist for my depressions and been on maybe atleast 5 antidepressants. I firmly believe I should be on some meds but which one is what I don't know. I never really told anyone this but I think this and depression and anxiety has effected me for what has happened in my childhood. I clearly remember being in my room that I shared with sis, my bro and I were leaning on the bed and he touched me down there but with my clothes on, I think he just put his hand there.  There was another where I would go to my aunts house to play with my cousin(female) who was couple years younger than me and we would play with her dolls and there was a time where we were laying in her parents room(?) and laying under the sheets and I had my hands between her legs in her girl area and she would do the same. Her mom caught us but i dont know if she knew what was going on or anything, I don't think I went back after that. Another is where I would go to my gma house and have my other (female) cousin play with me in a room or at my new house and I would touch her chest area and girl area. The one thing that disturbs me is when I was in preteen maybe I remember seeing my parents leaving the house and my sis was in sofa and we would lay on sofa and we would pretend playing husband wife and I would be the husband and I would touch her. I remember my aunt as she does this to use as we are older, she would pat our behinds and I felt uncomfortable with that..I dont know or remember being molested or touched by anyone else older than me that would make me do this in my childhood. It bothers me to this day that I did that to my two cousins and my own siblings.  Where did it come from what made me do this or experience this or how did i know what to do or touch at that matter. I always felt someone did touch me when i was younger but maybe too young to remember? I always had that feeling. I see my mom looking at females behinds or just starring at them and I wonder why is she starring at them esp their behinds..I just have a weird vibe. Even when I am wearing a shirt and its "cold" and I will see her looking at my chest area and i will cross my arms or just leave the room. I dont appreciate how she looks at me either. But with all this being said, I day dream alot and just think about everything thats happened to me...If I ever get married am I suppose to share this with my husband? I am in my late 20s with a son who i am protective of, but I would love to get married etc etc..but this too keeps me back from dating and being open..maybe this is too open for any relationship i think. but at the same time I would want my future husband to know everything about me from childhood to present..

[Days go by as I wonder]

Thank You so much Cordellia I will be contacting her.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

First of all, I wanna say how incredibly courageous it is of you to post this.  I hope it felt good.  I know whenever I'm feeling really bad about something and judging myself a lot, if I just let it out, that instantly starts to go away.  Secondly, this is some pretty serious stuff.  If you need to talk, Cynthia would be happy to help.  She's a real doc and an amazing person who's talked me through many a meltdown.  Her email address is [e-mail]  I'm not sure what to say to help you feel better except that we're here for you.  I hope you can continue to get some relief here.  :)