Even when I'm not inside my head, my brain won't stop!

I've been mostly on the outside of my own mind these last couple days.  It feels strange, almost alien to be immersed in the real world as much as I am right now.  It isn't the productive, positive, happy feeling from a few weekends ago either.  Its hazy and dreamlike.  I went to bed last night feeling sick and today a migraine is trying to come.  Maybe its the migraine?  Migraines always do funny things to my brain.  I get words mixed up, forget names/words, get dizzy, nauseous, and sensitive to light/sound/smells/everything.  I've taken a pill to abort the coming migraine, so hopefully it will keep away the headache part.

 

Aside from feeling so strange, everything is alright this week.  I suppose now would be a good time for a real introduction.  My real name is Angel, my Mom named me.  Dad wanted a boy, he called me Junior while I was in Mom's tummy.  But I came out a girl.  Thankfully Mom got to name me.  My younger brother got stuck being named after our Dad.  See our Dad is a jerk, sorry to say it.  I do love him, but I hate him too.  He got angry easily and was physically/verbally abusive.  When I was 7 he began cheating on my Mom with another woman.  When I was 8, he let her move in.  She was also physically/verbally abusive, but also a compulsive liar and she did some things that could be considered sexual abuse though not in the traditional sense.  This all lasted until I was 16, when my Mom finally had the support and confidence to take me and my brother and leave.  Most people ask me why my Mom put up with this.  Why?  And why don't I blame her?  Well, there are a lot of reasons.  My Mom has a mild mental disability.  My Dad and his... mistress... convinced her that she would never see me or my brother again if she left.  She was afraid and as much a victim as we were.  I can see that, but sometimes other people have difficulty understanding.  It was my Grandma (Dad's Mom), Grandma's friend, my brother's teacher, and a whole bunch of helpful people in the community who were finally able to help my Mom to leave.  After that we had to learn how to be a family and how to function as individuals, its been hard, but we've done pretty well.

 

Now I'm 32.  I started daydreaming excessively when my Dad started began his relationship with that woman, it got worse when she moved in.  I still daydream on a daily basis.  My Mom and brother don't know.  I am engaged to a great man, he also doesn't know.  Recently, I find myself wanting to tell him, but I'm afraid to.  I just told my counselor a few days ago.  She was very positive about it.  She said we will learn together and also not to change anything for now.

 

Just a little bit more about me...  I'm kind of tom-boyish, always have been.  I'm also bisexual, but I'm not a slut.  Most people think that us bisexuals are sluts, some are sure, but I'm not.  What bisexual means to me is that I have the freedom to fall in love with or be attracted to whoever my heart chooses.  My heart has chosen the man that I'm with now.  We got engaged in 2009, been together for 8 years total and are very much in love.  I have 4 pets, kind a mini-zoo.  Two cornsnakes named Alex and Aurelius, an umbrella cockatoo named Tonnie, and cat named Guen.  Guen is one of my biggest supports, she lets me lean on her and cuddle her whenever I need to.  She can sense when I'm sick or depressed and tries to comfort me.  Maybe its her way of thanking me, I found her living outside under the recycle bin, all skinny and afraid of everything.  Now she is the sweetest and lovingest kitty ever.

 

I don't really have friends like most people think of that you hang out with and stuff.  Well, one from about a decade ago, but he moved to New York.  Now we are just Facebook friends.  :(  There are the people that volunteer at the summer camp with me and my fiance, but we never see them outside of camp, again only on Facebook.  Then people from the Elder Scrolls forums where I chat with fellow players and modders, even consider a handful my "internet friends".  But they are from all over the world, none local that I could hang out with.  Mostly I just hang out with my fiance and my Mom & her fiance, and on holidays my brother & his girlfriend.  The rest of the time its me and my pets and the characters in my head.  Oh, yes, I do have a full time job so I have to interface with co-workers and clients, but that's not the same as having friends.

 

Sometimes people drive me crazy though.  Either they are annoying, rude, or ignorant.  Then I don't want to deal with them anyway.  I jokingly tell my fiance that, "I don't like people."  Its sort of true in a way.  Sometimes I feel agoraphobic and/or misanthropic, I suppose depending on my mood.  An example of this, my fiance took me to the mall to see a movie on a Saturday night.  The mall was packed, if he wasn't there to pull me along I would have never made it to the theater.  I would have left in a panic or locked myself in a bathroom or something.  And I was having all these horrible thoughts about things that I would never do...  I won't repeat them, but I told him just so he would understand how much of an effect on me it was having.  Thankfully, when we got inside the theater the line for our movie was fairly short and orderly, it allowed me to calm down enough to enjoy the movie.

 

My counselor has been trying to work with me to find activities that I enjoy that would allow me to get out and possibly meet people.  Or at least have a fun time.  My homework assignment was to make a list of 10 things to do that were either free or low cost that I could do.  There are only 4 things on my list and 2 of those don't require me leaving the house.  I realized that its probably my MD that has an effect on me wanting to do things and be around people.  In my head I can do what I want and talk to the most interesting, intelligent, nicest people one-on-one or in small groups.  No anxiety when its all in your head, no worries about what others will think or especially what they will do.

 

Wow, that's a lot of rambling!  If I get to using this blog as a diary you will have to get used to my long posts.  LOL!

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Comment by Angel on April 26, 2011 at 9:29am

At the mall, its a number of things.  People going every which direction, not watching where they are going.  Which makes me have to watch more carefully where I am going in order to not run into them.  My personal space bubble is pretty large and I'm not comfortable with strangers getting into my space.  Also all the perfumes and all the noise bother me.

 

Thinking about it... the only time large crowds don't bother me so much is at a concert.  If its a band I really love.  Its nerve racking before and after the show with all the people.  But while the music is playing nothing matters except the music.  I love being down on the floor so I can move with the music, its like being in a trance with everyone on the same wavelength.  (No I'm not drunk or high.)

Comment by Jane Wilson on April 26, 2011 at 6:32am
It sounds to me like you have a very full life.  I am not sure where you would fit more friends or activities?  I can tolerate crowds if I need to but in general I avoid them.  You might want to look at your self talk the next time you feel a panic coming on.  If what you are saying to yourself is the source of the panic is a different problem from an anxiety attack brought on by physical symptoms.  Some people are very sensitive to their environment - people , chemicals etc.  This can kick in axiety symptoms.  I am sorry this doesn't sound very coherent.  I what I am trying to say is it is helpful in dealing with unpleasant symptoms if you can figure out how or why they start. 
Comment by Angel on April 25, 2011 at 11:32am
That's a good analogy.  I had this "where am I?" feeling for a few days.  I'm back to normal now.
Comment by Liza on April 24, 2011 at 12:44pm

I know what you mean.. sometimes being in the real world feels strange to me.  Like im an anthropologist from mars exploring strange surroundings and i have to look at everything twice for it to make sense! 

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