Escaping Wonderland (the mysterious monkey)

[Gina Black]

Hi again!

Gosh, I hope I'll find time to read your blogs soon...I've missed you guys! My new lifestyle's driving me crazy, I am writing this post at 4 in the morning...so forgive any sleep-deprived grammar :p

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So, by now I have climbed out of the dream abyss, made it through the labyrinth of distorting mirrors, explored the jungle of lost desires and, finally, got myself in one piece at the end of the road. 

Well, almost in one piece. Because there seems to be one last "big boss" before the door. One last piece of my reality I need to figure out, and welcome it back at its rightful place, forever.

If you have read my previous posts, you may remember my 4 imaginary teachers (they're important imaginary friends, messengers of my subconscious). I have the three first figured out, and used them to make peace with my own self. The last one, though...she is not willing to act as if I'm the only person in the world. And I don't think she's willing to leave until I find a comfortable place between other people. When the three first guys left, telling me my teacher would now be the World, she was the only one that never spoke. She waited for the right time-to teach me along with the World. 

She keeps being mysterious, but I found some clues. The reason she refuses to speak: because her way of communication is highly distinguishable from other internal (verbal) voices. Lots of clues here: I rarely speak, so her ways (visuals, empathy, touch) is what I actually use as a communication base. Also, the origin of empathy is the middle brain, and the visual messages go back to the cavemen. Does that mean my center of actual speech is blocked (or primitive)?

Another clue is the fact she's the only teacher that wished me to get a boyfriend...If the other teachers understood my potential better than me, this one may understand what I neeed better than me :p

Thirdly, a clue for her being the last step: as a teen, I had written a fairytale about a monkey, Hoggy, holding the keys of the door between the true and an imaginary world. The protagonist went in the imaginary world, but Hoggy jumped into the stories of a magic book. So, unless Hoggy got out of the stories, the hero could never get back in the real world. And had to always carry the book with her, for that. That was 10 years before meeting Mary, my monkey teacher-and had forgotten it up to now. So my subconscious must have a good reason of choosing her for the job!

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I found some more things, at which she responed positively. I should mention an article Eretaia suggested me:

http://gettinbetter.com/addiction.html

It's a great article about addictions, and I suggest it too.

Article quotes that proved most important to me:

"All addiction is caused by suppression of feelings. If we could learn how to Feel our emotions rather than fear them, ALL addictions and recovery programs would literally cease to exist"

I've been an ice queen for ages! A very sweet and kind girl, but ice queen the rest of the time. Defense mechanism, of course. Only positive feelings had a free pass, and it felt great, but...my life overall has been unstatisfactory. After reading this I decided letting my feelings flow whenever it comes to me, and...let's say I've cried my eyes out yesterday. I were able to accept a lot of losses at once, and felt more content. "Negative" feelings aren't "bad", after all!

I still have one thing I haven't come in terms with...as a kid, when people loved me, they usually wanted to put me in a golden cage and push me do what they thought to be better. I still feel love=cage, and haven't gotten over it yet. That's why I have so many "ice queen" moments, also moments of I say stupid things diffrent from what I'd originally say, and awkward moments that push others away. How do I get over this wall???

 "Addicts learn to feel grateful for their pain, because there's always a sibling, friend or parent who's had "a rougher time." The problem with this ideation, is one builds up an incredibly high threshold for anguish! Discomfort has to be excruciating to gain their attention--but it still may not register, because compassion is reserved exclusively for others, and never given to oneself."

"Busy-bodies (people who compulsively run from their feelings) are addicted to fixing, helping and rescuing others, because when they run out of issues in their own life to keep them busy, they look for victim-types who'll happily supply drama and chaos to fill-up their intolerable emptiness."

OMG, I tend to stick onto such people having "rough time"...and I'm the listening ear of all my best friends. And all my life, since childhood, I've had tons of hobbies just to feel my life is fulfilling. How do I deal with that???

Being in crowds makes me feel uncomfortable because I am reminded all the things I'm missing...companions/friends/boyfriend, style, the ability to talk courageously, work, e.t.c. I'm deeply jealous, and I had never realized it up to now. Because I always thought my 1-2 nice things in life were enough to stop any other negative feeling...

 

I don't really know how I'm supposed to deal with the above...for the first time since I got here, I'm stuck!

 

 

[Gina Black]

Laine-Thanks for the answer! Good luck to you too :)

I found another interesting article in the same site (Eretaia, I owe you one!)

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html

It is exactly about the psychology of "people pleasers" like me, and people who lack "sense of self". I may have found a solution...

"Being loved in totality is something that Caregivers do not fundamentally believe is possible"

This phrase suits me perfectly, but also made me think of something.

I have a cat. My mother often acts as if it's her baby, and the cutest thing in the world. But she cuts her nails, hugs her against her will, scolds her when she acts like a cat (looking at the hamster or clawing stuff)...I often hear the poor car shouting of anger and annoyment. Then it hit me...that's how I've been feeling myself. But I've always thought of my parents as perfect, especially towards me, that's why I never managed to free myself from them, and grow up. Also, everyone else in the family (except mom)  treated my artistic part as a second-rate hobby. While it's a core part of me. They always took for granted I'll go to university and be an intelligent scientist or something, an aknowledged and succesful  professional by no fail. So I've been trying to act as the clawless cat as the better choice.

Wow.

I think I may want to shit on the past influences, and be a daring, emotional attention-seeker after all! I don't want to have a "partial persosnality" anymore... I have actually started to love my own self as a whole, including all kinds of feelings, all kinds of impulses I may have. It's the first moment in my life I realize I haven't been actually loving myself either, and that's why I've been hesitant of getting what I need, or expressing myself properly.

So...many...illusions...

I seriously hope this was the last one!!!

[taffle]

I'm also an ice queen: I have emotions but learn to suppress them.

The problem with this ideation, is one builds up an incredibly high threshold for anguish! Discomfort has to be excruciating to gain their attention--but it still may not register

This is so true for me! Many times, I wonder why people over things such as an emergency drill, a staged event, failure to appease others, etc. I don't express my emotions this openly, and it's probably because of the way I was raised. There are cultures that value extroverted expression of feelings (i.e. America, Britain) and other cultures that don't value that.

I'm not sure how I can advise you because I have lots of trouble socializing with other people as well as other issues that I need to address. But good luck with your journey!