Emptiness Inside

[Jennifer]

Hello, everyone.
It's me again. I know I've been commenting and posting often recently, and I apologize for that. I know it must be annoying. But, today I have finally gotten up the courage to try and discuss something. I need help. There...I said it. I need help. I have just had this constant feeling of emptiness inside lately. A pit in my stomach, and a feeling of 'You're not worth it.
Allow me to explain. My daydreams very widely revolve around this couple. Elizabeth and Max and their names. Elizabeth is my idealized version of myself, and Max...Well, he got the name from my ex-boyfriend, who stomped on my heart and basically burned me alive, but he's also everything I dream to have in a guy. I think that the emptiness only comes when I am aware of reality and my REAL life, because I realize that my Max character isn't a real person. And it he were to be a real person, he would love Elizabeth. Not me. And this hurts. It hurts because, Elizabeth has had all of the same life struggles as I have had. She had the same dreams and hopes that I currently have, but the only thing is that she has accomplished those dreams already, and I haven't. I just feel so hopeless and empty when I snap out of my daydreams, because Max isn't there for me in my REAL life. He's just sitting in a corner of my imagination just waiting to be needed again. It hurts and makes me sad. If Lizzie has gone through everything that I have gone through in my life, and she's happy and content, then does that mean I'm just not worth a life partner and happiness? Yes, I know I'm only 15, and that sounds early to be thinking about "Love" and what not, but it just has me thinking because when I was with my ex-boyfriend this previous summer, the happiness was SO beautiful. I was SO happy. I even stopped daydreaming for 2 weeks straight because I was so happy with my real life that I didn't want my 2nd. But that happiness only lasted less than a month. He started telling me things like "You're so worthless," "You should just go kill yourself," "You're just so stupid..." He hurt me. And left me. And I let him do it. (He was Bipolar, so that's why he randomly went off on me like that). So, when he left me a mess, and broken hearted, I created someone like him. Same name, masculine, intimidating, Gothic...I named him Max, too. Now Max is with Elizabeth, and happily engaged. Except he isn't a jerk. He loves Lizzie, and he actually treats her with respect, rather than a pile of trash.

I am sorry. I think I got off track. Friends, I'm not even entirely sure what I'm trying to say. I think I'm just trying to ask for help. For advice. What do I do about this forever-lasting emptiness? How do I cure it? It hurts and I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you. The more I type, the more I realize that it is sounding like a desparate cry out for attention. I promise that wasn't my intention. I really just need help right now.

Much love, fellow MDers. You've helped me through many struggles with MD, and I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for each and every one of you, and especially this site. (Thank you SO much, Ms. Cordeilla!)
-Jennifer xx

[Floris]

"Physically, parts of you would grow back again, your wounds and bruises would heal. "

I mean, as a metaphor. I don't mean to say your body was hurt, but to compare your mind to a body.

[Floris]

1. You are a teenager: the world comes into focus with enormous pains and it's weight crushes you. 

Physically and mentally you go through many changes, your brain may feel like Gizmo turning into a Gremlin.

2. You have been abandoned: it can feel like part of you was cut off, destroyed.

3. You dealt with someone with a disorder and have been damaged by that psychologically. 

This is a lot to deal with. You need some form of healing. Ultimately, when healed, you would realize Max is not important anymore. In a way, he already is not, because your fantasy Max is totally different. You're already moving on a bit, you want to find someone closer to that fantasy. Bear in mind that no guy will be like it...try to make that fantasy a bit more realistic.

Physically, parts of you would grow back again, your wounds and bruises would heal. It may be hard because you hated who you were before (the real) Max? You felt value because of being liked. But value comes from within. It's really hard for a 15 year old to figure out your worth because it's still hard when you're 35 like me :-). You're still at an age where it can grow much faster. 

Healing...how? Maybe I would try to find a creative outlet for your strong emotions. Music, writing, painting, something computery, whatever. It doesn't have to be something you are GOOD at. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be bad at them. Express yourself...and take baby steps doing it. You may also find more self value while doing it. It hurt when Max told you're a loser because you believed him. You could prove the contrary to yourself.

Lizzie may not be helpful: she is already loved and in that comfortable, luxurious position. She may be a far reach. But looking at the things Lizzie likes doing and give Lizzie self-worth (other than Max), could be helpful.

[LJ]

Not annoying, your ex was mean spirited!  Dream until it does not hurt anymore.  Dding has helped me through breakups with both boyfriends and with family members I just can't stand.  It's like the one thing I MYSELF  CAN CONTROL!  The rest of my life is left up to chance and other people.