Depression and me

[S K]

I have become so indecisive and insecure. I can’t decide where to go , whether to go, when to go, what to order, what TV program to watch, what bag to carry, where to go 1^st if I go to get food. I am totally confused. I am also the hardest on myself. Almost demeaning myself when there is no one else to do it. Scolding myself for being indecisive, for being fat, for taking the wrong decisions, for being me, for my childish errors, for life experiences I really didn’t control.

“When Others Don’t Oppress You, You Do It Yourself.”

I am depressed I think, clinically. I think TV, gossip and reading distract me from it. But it’s still there lurking in the forgotten, at the back of my mind. Just waiting to leap out or rather it isn’t lurking but occupying most of my thoughts. I leap out of that space occasionally but when the temporary distraction is gone or I get distracted from the distraction it’s there, waiting for me to come back to and that is the space from which I must function on a daily basis.

Since this is an MD site I will add a postscript about it. I think my MD was initially organic (I’ll do a post about its origin later) but has now become more destructive and dysfunctional as well as (I don’t know how to express this) linked to my depression – a dysfunctional link to perpetuating it and temporarily covering it up. It’s an escape from misery. It always was that but it also gave me joy and stability. Now it makes me euphoric but the cover-up I guess is harder to do.

Meditation by Thomas Benjamin Kennington

[David W]

I can relate to being hard on yourself, verbally when there's no one to tell you you went too far. Mainly at work, I do very detail oriented work making eyeglasses and one mistake means start over again, needless to say high stress for me. I rip myself a new one every time to put it lightly!  right there with ya!

And confusion, I dd while walking into the kitchen, I come back and sit at the computer and I don't know what i went to the kitchen for or what I did while I was there or did something different than what I meant to. It's hard to live with all the time.  People tell me to take it easy on myself but it's like living right next to someone who does stupid things that make you mad ALL THE TIME.

Hope I'm not encouraging you to hate yourself, for me in those moments all I want someone to say to me is "I feel the same way" .  I just never believe anyone near me really does, so I'm hear to say I really do!

[Stormy]

I can relate to the euphoric. I will feel so euphoric from a "session" of DD that I almost pass out. I am dizzy and in bliss. The more intense a scene in my mind and the longer it can be allowed to go on. The more freely I can give of myself up to the dream the more powerful an "afterglow" I can have of it. That is the part of this disorder that I cannot wrap my head around.