Depression and MDD?

[Anne]

Hello ^_^ This is my first post here , so forgive by now any possible mistakes I may make.

So. . . I dont really know what to say...(This looked better when i daydreamed it ._. )

Uh..

Well...

Currently there are a lot of bad things going on in my life: fights at home , bad grades , heartbroken , losing dear ones , etc.

So because of all of this suffering and pain I think I might have got depression as well. It's been going on for months actually.Sometimes it takes ''breaks''. . .  I can act normal when there is nothing bad happening to me. But i became very sensitive. If someone bullies me at school *happens very often* I immediatly go home and cry.. .And want to kill myself , find myself worthless , etc. Even If I drop a pen on the floor I start to think how worthless I am. And the fact my parents also yell at me so much and act so cold does not help at all.

You may wonder: What does this have to do with MDD? 

Well , lately I've been daydreaming more often than usual...Even now I am .I found out I have MDD like a year ago.I wasnt sure at first , but now i know i have it.I have it since i was VERY young actually, mother told me that I used to pace in the yard for hours without stopping and people thought I was retarded or something xD. 

Everytime I feel very depressed I often daydream about either things like suicide , killing myself , how would it be if i died , how would it be to die , etc. or I daydream about having a nice life. , without everything that makes me suffer.

The fact I am daydreaming this much is affecting me: I forget to do my homework , i cant study , i cant do anything. Of course , it was difficult for me even before , but now its almost impossible.

Everytime I search on the internet for a depression cure (aimed at teenagers) it says: Find an adult you trust, seek for a friend's help , etc.

But I dont have such a thing.My relationship with my parents is terrible , and I dont have any close friends. I dont have anyone to ask help from. 

*daydreaming pause*

So..I dont really even know why I wrote this.Probably I'm just searching for some people to comfort me.Maybe give a solution of some sort.

Do not say a therapist or councelor ,my mother would never let me go to one , and I do not wanna go either. . 

I am a 14 year old girl , if that matters  by the way ^_^ 

Excuse my grammar mistakes , and thank you for wasting your time reading this ._.

tl;dr : I dont like my life  , im depressive and i daydream too much, and i dont know what to do.

[Zoë Verdancii]

Are there any teachers you can trust? Officials at school? Parents of friends? Depending on where you live, there may be youth centers you can go to for assistance. Youth centers helped me get through some tough stuff in my life, and they can be very resourceful as well.

I've had similar experiences throughout HS and even though I had parents, I was very detracted from them due to emotional issues/MDD. I can understand how you're feeling: Overwhelmed and hopeless. I get that...almost as if you're drowning and you got a lead weight on your chest. It's no place to be, and no place to be alone at.  If it helps any, I'm more than willing to speak with you 1 on 1 if you want to vent or anything. I'm not a councilor or a therapist, but will definitely hear you out and give you my best advice.

[Aquarius]

you seem to be clinically depressed. You need to tell an older person about this. It doesnt have to be a counselor. it can be someone you trust, who can figure out if you need professional help. Stay strong

[Queen Dopamine]

I've been there, too, when I was your age. You spend all your spare time daydreaming to escape the awful world that's around you, and as a result, your grades go down and you can't seem to get anything done. Daydreaming is so addictive, too, that's why it's so hard to just tell yourself that you'll stop. As far as the depression though, what helped me was realizing the things I was good at the things I like about myself. I realized no one was going to be able to convince me of those things if I didn't believe them. It didn't matter who thought I was pretty or ugly or worthless or awesome if I didn't have the self-confidence. That's where a lot of my issues were--self-confidence.

My relationship with my parents was strained as a teenager, too. But I found that developing my hobbies and using creativity to my advantage helped me feel better. For instance, I was good at writing, so I started working on poetry. I liked pictures in magazines, so I created huge collages that I put on my walls (my mom was horrified, but then realized how good they were). I started writing little music and music video reviews and putting them up on Myspace and Xanga because I loved music and I had a good critical ear for it. It gave me some confidence knowing that I had my own special talents and interests. I didn't have to be runway model beautiful or be a great singer or be awesomely social. I was proud of the things I could do.

[Karen]

I love that you said "This looked better when i daydreamed it". I've felt that way so many times.

Is there a counselor at school? I know it may be embarrassing, but I had good experiences with counselors in middle school and college. Not so much high school but bullying is taken pretty seriously these days. I know you probably aren't looking to get the kids who bother you in trouble, but a counselor would be someone to talk to about your depression/self esteem.

Oh S*** I wrote this before finishing reading. Well I guess I'll try to provide a little advice. I was a depressed teen too, eventually got into a lot of terrible things to try to alleviate that, and did more damage than good. In my opinion, if daydreaming helps keep it up. Maybe use it as a productive outlet, writing some of your thoughts out, no matter how dark they are. If you get them out then maybe focusing on school will be a little easier. Just try to remember to live. High school isn't easy but if you find your place it can be some of your best years. Glad you found this place to allow for some of the things you have bottled up to come out. If this depression gets out of control I really still do advise you seeking help. It's life-changing if you find the right person to talk to. My father didn't approve therapy, said I should just walk in front of a bus if I have any mental issues. You're getting to an age where your parents opinion shouldn't matter as much. Above all else just take care of yourself.