Beautiful Time This Weekend/Observing my MDD

[lulu]

So I went and saw him this weekend.  I helped wreck his marriage.  We were desperately in love at one point. He left her and I got with and had a child with another douchebag. He was always there for me. Now we are taking a stab at being together. Nobody knows though until we are ready to come out of the closet so to speak. He always accepted me for exactly who I was. I'm not as intensely in love with him as I was. Maybe not even in love. But there is love there. The sleeping around with the other one (ones) has too stop. I really want this too work.  We spend the entire weekend cocooned at what I lovingly refer too as the "Red Ratchet Roof Inn," up the street from his mom's house. I almost met her this weekend but chickened out.  His family, unlike mine, was spared the scandelosity of the wreckage of my eight year relationship with my daughter father, and the impolsion of his marriage, so they have not idea of our origins, and when I do meet them there won't be any wicked side eye action. It sucks because he lives out of state and I don't drive. He accepts that, too. So we finally spent the weekend together after all these years and it was really nice just laying together.  I finally went to see The Hunger games, which was really good. I gotta get the bootleg this week! The only thing I can say happened disappointingly was at the very last minute of us laying in bed together this morning...I got my period, like all over . EPIC FAIL 8(. He didn't freak out. All he said was he was glad I didn't get it on Friday night, because we wouldn't have been able to  make love all weekend.

I even tried explaining Maladaptive Daydreaming to him, the tame version. I'm still so excited to learn I'm not the only one and I wanted to tell somebody. So I told him I believed I found an answer or at least another explaination for something I honestly believed I was the only person on earth had. I told him I am addicted to daydreaming, I have very vivid daydreams, and my spaceiness has effected my life, my entire life, how it was borne of lonliness, and depression.  I didn't go into Wonderland, or the characters that have evolved with me over the years, or how I've incorporated him, and the rest of my family into them. The elaborate worlds I've created. No, I didn't go into that. I'm not even ready to go into it with a shrink, seeing it typed out here is barely tolerable, after 30 years, an entire lifetime, never speaking a word about it. He just sort of laughed. Another label for his bipolar-type-2-borderline-personality-disorder-anxiety-ridden girlfriend, whatever.

So I did notice this. I do it when anxious, and overwhelmed. Like when I'm running around, late, trying to pack and get ready. Down the rabbit hole I go.  I took note of this. I also noticed I didn't do it at all this weekend. Ah. I wasn't lonely this weekend, or overwhelmed. I was happy, for the first time in a long time.  It appears I don't do it as much as I thought.  It's still strange though, to do it. I am addicted to it. But I'm not as heavy a "user" as some people I have read or spoken too at WildMinds.com.  I don't have to do it. The white rabbit shows up for me, I don't have to go looking for him.  If I was using street drugs, I think I'm more of a level a a sort of pot head daydreamer, while some others are more of a level of a meth or heroine user level daydreamer. They must have it to function. I need it to settle my anxiety. I don't need it, but it really, really bothers me to fight it, and I have a hard time finding it. So I smoke another bowl of daydreams, because I have it, and if I don't the result is I'm anxious and overwhelmed.