I have no idea if this will reach the people it is intended for, or anyone at all. But it's been on my mind for a while, and I need to get it out. I need someone to know.

Many years ago (or so it seems), when I first discovered this site, and that my particular affliction wasn't so unique as I had thought, that I wasn't as displaced in this world as I felt, I became quite an active member. After all those years of feeling chained up, I was desperate for a release, for an understanding ear (or hundreds of them) to listen, and equally willing to lend one to others, and help out as best as I could. I wanted to help - felt like I had to.

During this period, a member made post- going through a serious life crisis not entirely related to MDD, they were asking for help, desperate and hopeless. So I jumped in with what I genuinely believed to be solid, good-hearted advice. I was wrong.

Moments later, another member on the site, upset with my response, called me out publicly. I got angry. Kicker is, they were right. What I had said was wrong, not based on accurate facts, and what today would be considered highly offensive. But I didn't know that back then. It is worth mentioning here that I am an avid (read obsessive) reader. And back then (I was in my early teens) I believed everything I read. Books are sacred. I have MDD. What choice did I have?

So I gave my response based on what I had read, and felt good. Being called out publicly (in a place where I didn't feel too ashamed to belong) I felt humiliated, in a way only teenagers can, and my self-esteem took a massive hit. I am not all too proud to say I defended my response. I do not begrudge the member who called me out. They were absolutely correct, albeit harsh, and had every right to say what they did.

But back then I did not understand this. I did not understand their position. Because although I was able to understand the asker's MDD related problems, and give advice on that matter, I did not really comprehend their other dilemma, having never really been exposed to it, and being too proud to admit it.

Some time after this incident, I became less and less active on this site, as I moved on with other things in life, and as members I used to interact with moved on with theirs, and soon, I stopped using this altogether. Not because my MDD was gone (far from it), but simply because it took a backseat in the face of fresher pain. Life, right?

Some months ago, the incident came back to me in a jolt of recollection. I was horrified at what I had said, hardly willing to believe it. But it had happened. I logged back on the site, but it was replete with spammers. I did not recognise any names on the members' list. I logged out and tried to put the matter out of my mind as damage already done.

But I could not quite manage it. It would come back to me in sudden flashes in those horrid moments in the dead of those sleepless nights. It is not too much of an exaggeration to I've begun to somewhat hate myself for the things I said, however well-intentioned.

I'm sorry that I cannot be more specific. I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense (after all, how often do people get obsessed over something they may have said to some stranger on the internet?) I'm sorry if I have gone on much too long, and I am grateful if you have stuck with me this far. I have no hope that this will reach the people involved, directly or indirectly, in the mess I created. I do not even remember the usernames of the members. But the thought that I may have caused someone irrevocable emotional or psychological damage (yes, it was that bad) is too much for me. I have enough to blame myself for, without adding more to the plate.

So if you ever happen upon this, I really, truly, am sorry. I did not mean to hurt anyone, and I am at least proud to say I know better now.

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Comment by Kal on June 11, 2020 at 1:12pm

This was really brave of you, and it gave me courage too.

I hope you're safe and well. 



Comment by Camoran on May 14, 2020 at 2:04pm

All you did was mature, really. You developed at least some resemblance of empathy and critical thinking. It sounds ridiculously simple, isn't it? And that's because it is that simple. It is also maddeningly difficult to accomplish, even more so for people who have a hard time existing outside of their own heads, let alone seeing beyond it.

There is no understanding without self-reflection, and to finally be able to have and use empathy - in this case, to not only know, but to understand someone else's suffering by experiencing even the tiniest rubbing of it from your own perspective as if it were theirs - is a critically undervalued power in this world of aggression and self-absorption.

You made a mistake that hurt someone, and you rightly bear the blame (or at least this is what your post tells me), but mustering the strength to send out a sincerely felt apology publicly is an accomplishment, tragic as it may be.
You know the price of arrogance now. It's a heavy, harsh kind of awareness, but you cannot ever allow yourself to sweep it under the rug. You don't want to know what it's like to be stuck in that kind of cycle. I'm pretty sure no one wants to.

Comment by Celeste on May 8, 2020 at 2:20am

I dont know for which post you are talking about or the bad situation that you ve made

but what i know is its very healing to see people when they can recognize their mistakes. It shows a progression and a pure love deep in their hearts. 

I like that to people 

keep going 

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