Acceptance, Destruction and Fear

[Nico Lilly]

I have only in the past few years come to realise that my MD has been a real issue in my life, my career path, my relationships, my health and my overall sense of satisfaction with my life. And when I realised it it took me a lot longer to Accept. Talking about it is very strange for me. I am not naturally an open person about things that go on inside my head. Often in my life I have thought about going to a therapist, or someone that can give me some perspective and advice about my life. But I cannot bear the thought of judgement. I read this site for months before deciding to join up.

 

I am currently in the middle of a very destructive phase, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am trying to relocate to the city where I grew up. This means moving home, getting a new job, leaving behind family and friends.

I move a Lot. In the 14 years since I left home at 18 I have had eight different homes and am currently looking for a new one. I find it impossible to settle anywhere for long. I know this is mostly because I never feel happy or content anywhere, I am always looking for a life closer to my MD world, even though I know this is impossible, certain factors in the fantasy world I think could be found in my life.

Ironically because of my MD I can never focus enough time or attention on my real world to find these things, or become the type of person that it takes to get and keep them.

 

At the moment I lay awake in bed every night stressed. Not even my MD can calm the storm inside me. I am, inherently terrified of change. I am also in contrast constantly seeking change. I want things in my life to change, I want new friends that understand me, I want a better job, I want less stress in my life, I want to find peace. None of that is possible without change, and yet I have postponed plans to move year after year because of my fear.

I never learnt to cope with negative emotions because of my MD, I have been through some awful, traumatic experiences that I have walked away from without ever really thinking about, because of my MD.

 

At the moment I'm reading this book about highly sensitive people. MD has made my life even more unbearable because I am very sensitive to any kind of stimulation, sensory, physical or emotional. I need "blankness" to calm myself down. I need darkness and emptiness. I need a head that's not full of thoughts, that creates emotions. For someone so sensitive to stimulation MD is like being in an extremely Loud, bright, violent washing machine all the time. I can't calm my mind down, so I can't calm my body down.

 

For me my MD does have very real physical consequences. The over-stimulation as I said above is one. I don't sleep, I'm always exhausted. I also have Graves Disease, which is a thyroid condition, which no one could medically link to MD I'm sure but I'm convinced that the hormones and adrenaline I create through constant MD has to have affected my physical body. I'm always strung out, my mind and body are under constant stress.

 

I need to stop the MD in order to find some peace, some relief and some focus for the real world.

[Nico Lilly]

Thanks, that does help. I'm not usually quite so down about things. In fact I never intended to completely quit the daydreaming, only to control it/slow down. But when everything seems to be spiralling out of control I look at my life and think, if I didn't have this MD issue where would I be right now? But I know that's ultimately not a helpful way to look at things.

I am usually always trying to force myself to be positive, or at least neutral, when something bad happens. But I realised, like you said, that life isn't always good and we aren't always happy. That's not natural. So I'm trying to find a way to let myself be unhappy without it destroying me, without the coping mechanism of MD always "saving" me. I need to allow myself to Feel. and then learn from it, and then move on.

I already feel better after letting myself be down for a day or two, rather than torturing myself to be happy.

As for the relationship issue, it's too easy for me to use that as another escape or excuse, to be happy or unhappy etc. I am focusing more on my wider issues with people, trust, opening up etc. If I had closer, positive, reciprocated relationships with others I think I would be drawn out of my MD world more often.

Solitude can be so destructive.

I'm not pinning all my hopes on anyone "rescuing" me though. That's too closely related to using my MD to cope, for me anyway. I think the answers come from within. I studied Buddhism and Eastern Religion at university and one teaching always stuck in my head "The only true, lasting source of happiness is in the mind". This is a huge challenge for someone with MD trying to find peace! But I know with inner peace and acceptance then comes outer conditions that nurture happiness and contentment.

Sounds so simple...we'll see.

Thanks for your response, it means a lot :o)