A Song I Wrote About MD, and Other Life Struggles!

Hello!

It's been awhile, and I see we have some new members. So, I'll introduce myself once again. :P My name is Jennifer, and I'm 15. I have been struggling with MD ever since I was 7 or 8 years old. >:/ I love to sing, write, and dance. ^^ And I jut wanted to share this song I wrote about my personal condition and struggles with MD, and some other life-time struggles I have gone through. I also want to explain the lyrics to my song in depth, so you know which parts are about MD. I'll explain the secrets behind each stanza. :3 Haha! (The bolded lyrics are about MD).

Click here to hear the song! Thank you SO much! --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJBeO0ytlXw

 

"The Shadows of Me"                                    

The years of a teen

Are all about

Finding out who they are supposed to be,

What their experiences are shaped to teach

Where they are bound to be

And everything that I've seen,

Everything that has happened to me,

I've discovered all of the shadows

All of the shadows,

The hidden characteristics of me that have gone unseen

(Verse 1: All about a teen's struggle to find out where they belong, andhow hard that can be. Also, how my struggles caused me to discover things about myself that I didn't know before.)

 

Many times I've cried,

Many times I've lied,

Inside I've died,

But, I've found the light,

And I've discovered my pride

Confession:

I'm a girl, and I have many of the traits;

Fantasizing about the day I become a bride,

Yearning to be appreciated,

Wanting to be loved,

Hoping to be dearly missed when I am taken to the unknown above

The sensitivity,

The simplicity,

But somehow I'm unlike all the others,

And I say that positively

(Verse 2: Yes, I am a teen, and I get looked down on by many people because of that. I'm a teen; I cry, I lie, I die inside, and I'm a girl. I want to be loved by a boy, I fantasize about my wedding day, I want to be missed when I die, I'm sensitive, and I'm simple, but I'm STILL unlike those other girls because I am not bad. I focus on my career rather than going to wild teenage parties, and I'm still a virgin, and I stay out of trouble...Unlike most of those other teenage girls.)

 

He got me started, and I accept that

Even after everything that's happened,

After everything he put me through,

I somehow don't regret that

He was supposed to introduce me to my inner voice,

To my real fantasies,

He was supposed to teach me my standards, I believe

And then he was supposed to leave

Yes, it hurt,

Yes, I cried,

I felt as if my tears would never dry

But he revealed part of who I secretly am,

And now I longer have to ask my Fate 'why'?

(Verse 3:Long story short, there was this boy I met on YouTube and he asked me to be the singer of his band, and I accepted. I seriously fell in love with him shortly after, and he asked me if we could be together. Psyched, I accepted. But he was soo mean to me. He would start un-needed fights with me during our relationship, he said I was just 'plain stupid,' and he recently cut off all contact with me. He didn't even say goodbye. He just carelessly left me behind. He blocked my mobile number, my Facebook, my YouTube, and he took down the song he wrote about me on YouTube. And it hurt me so pieces because I had written 2 beautiful songs about how much he meant to me during our relationship, and he didn't appreciate it. He didn't even thank me for spending ELEVEN HOURS in the recording studio putting together the instrumental of our song and recording vocals. ELEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT!! I did SO much for this guy, and he couldn't even be bothered to appreciate any of it. He hurt me so much, and I was left with a broken heart for 12 days straight. Now, it's just plain anger, and I've finally accepted what happened between him and I. To sum up this stanza for you guys: He got me started on making music, and I believe that began my music/singing career. I believe he was supposed to teach me my standards and what I'm worth. [He treated me like complete crap during our realtionship, and now I know what I deserve.] I feel like it was my destiny to meet this boy, and start making music and have him teach me my standards and what I'm worth, and he was supposed to teach me how to stand up for myself. [I had to do that a numerous amounts of times during our relationship.] He was supposed to teach me my real fantasies, such as what I dream of doing and becoming in life. Which is a singer/musician. And then, I feel like it was my destiny for him to leave me behind, so I could learn from all of this, and understand everything he taught me. Yes, it hurt. I cried and weeped so often. And, when I was heart-broken, I would wonder why my Fate did this to me, set me up to this kind of pain, but now I no longer have to ask, because I think it's because it was supposed to teach me everything I explained above. He revealed the secret strong side I didn't know I had.)

 

Watching them slip away

Was something I didn't like to witness

Not so soon,

No, not that day

It is never easy to say goodbye

Especially when they're somewhere out of reach,

Somewhere far too high

Many times, over each of them, I have cried

But I know I wouldn't take any of it back if I could;

It taught me my strength

And where I stand now and where I once stood

(Verse 4: I've lost 4 people in my family in 5 years. 2 of them died when I was 11-12 years old, and they died 10 months apart from a rare lung/heart disease, Pulmonary Hypertension. They were 22 and 25 years old, both about to graduate from college and get married. So, it was a really tragic experience for my family and I to go through. Then, last January, my aunt passed from Lung Cancer. [Smoker >:/] She and I were REALLY close, and it hurt me sooo harshly to lose her like that. And then, a couple of weeks ago, another cousin of mine died from Pulmonary Hypertension. Another one. So, 4 people left so suddenly. This stanza is all about losing my family members, and how it hurt, and how I wasn't ready to say goodbye, especially because they're far too high to get in touch with again. And it was painful. It still it sometimes. But I know I wouldn't undo all of their deaths if I could; It taught me my strength, how mature I was before all of this, and how mature I am now. And, believe me, there is a HUGGGGE difference in those time spans. xD)

 

There is a name for what is wrong with me

I've finally discovered

The reason for my constant fantasies

It is my easy get away,

Merely an escape, you see

This world is a wasteland,

And to get away, I go to a place only my mind can see;

Somewhere only I can be

I'll be there if you want me,

Good luck finding me

 This world is really messed up in my eyes, and to get away, I daydream. I go to my daydream's setting, and I will stay there for hours on end. And it's an escape from the world, and from all of my personal pains. It's a place only my mind can see, and I'm there most of the time, so I'll be there if you want me. :P [YOU as in my family, friends, etc.])

The curse of this disease can only be understood by me

I want to be like her;

I want to be the girl I call 'Lizzie'

When I look in the mirror,

Her face is what I want to see staring back at me

Many times I have mourned for her,

Many times I have nearly died to see

Her face, her appearance;

That girl I truly believe lives underneath of me

But when I look in the mirror,

I'm always stricken by reality;

The girl I call 'me' is the girl I see

And, I think I've finally accepted that,

I think that's okay with me

(Verse 6: The curse of my condition of MD can only be understood by me. [No one else in my family understands the consequences of this darn condition. D:<] My 'ideal me' is a girl I've named 'Elizabeth'/'Lizzie.' And I want to look like her, and basically BE her so badly. When I look in the mirror, I want to see her face stating back at me. Many times I have mourned over this disorder and how I wish to be perfect like Lizzie, and I have 'died' inside because of not being her and having her perfect life. [I even threatened to get plastic surgery! Yikes!] I truly believe she is the girl who lives underneath of my skin, the girl that's really within me. But, unfortunately, when I look in the mirror, it's only me that I see. Not Lizzie. :/ But, you know what? I've finally accepted that, I've accepted myself for who I am, and I think that's okay that I'm not Lizzie.)

 

Why are each of these unrecognized conditions?

These names need to be discovered,

I'm on a mission!

I don't understand;

What am I supposed to do about this?

And then, I remember:

God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle

My life is a candle;

 And I'm the one who controls the flame

Will it burn on, or will burn out?

That answer is for only me to claim

(Verse 7: Long story, here. I wrote this stanza about my TWO rare mental conditions. MD, and this other one called 'Misophonia.' About a month ago, I found this discussion forum on the internet where users were talking about their struggles with Misophonia, and I realized I, too, had Misophonia. D: [Misophonia: Where the simplest, everyday sounds can send someone into a rage/panic attack. I personally can NOT STAND the sound of breathing and nasal sounds, and it's been with me since childhood. I've always wondered what the hell was wrong with me, and WHY I had such a strange, intolerant reaction to the sound of a person's breathing. -Particularly my dad.  UGGHHHH! GROSS! When a person with Misophonia hears their trigger sound, the fight or flight response is how they handle it. I know, it's really hard for a person without Misophonia to understand.] But, in this stanza I'm talking abotu BOTH Misophonia and MD. I don't know why these conditions are unrecognized, because people with these conditions need help. These names need to get out there NOW. I'm on a mission to help them get out there! :P I don't understand...How am I supposed to live and cope with these two unrecognized conditions when there are no cures? And then I remember: I don't think God would give me anything I'd have too much of a hard time with that would cause me to not make it. So, I just go with the flow, and I remember my life is a candle. [What I mean by that is that a candle wick has to burn completely to the wax of the candle before it can no longer be lit. So, the candle wick is my life's timeline. And I control how my life goes, what decisions I make, where I end up, and what happens. So, will the candle be blown out, and the wick will still have some time left on it? Or will I let the candle burn, and I stay alive? That answer is up to me; I am the one who decides that.)

 

The years of a teen are not easy,

The rest of my life will certainly not be breezy

But that is not an excuse to drop everything and give up;

The water is always half-filling this cup

Undoubtedly, there are more parts of me that have yet to be discovered

And when life is hard,

I do what I always do to recover;

The microphone is my release,

It temporarily brings me peace

(Verse 8: The teen years of every person's life are not easy, and the rest of their life is not easy, either. But just because I know hard things are up ahead for me, that is not an excuse to just drop everything, such as life plans, dreams, etc., and give up right now.  The water is always half-filling this cup, such as, always look on the bright side of life, even when it seems impossible. And for me personally, when life is hard, or when I am down, I sing. The microphone is my release. It temporarily gives me peace, such as, it temporarily lets me forget all of my problems and hardships.)

 

My name is Jennifer,

And I am a teen

But I am unlike all of the others, you see

I know you judge me,

I know you talk about me,

I know the majority of society does not accept people like me

But I know who I am,

And I will follow that girl I will forever be;

The one whose missing characteristics are filled in by the former shadows of me

(Verse 9: I'm Jennifer, and I AM  a teen. I am a Gothic teenagers, so I KNOW people judge me, talk about me, and have opinions about me because of that. I know the majority of society has a problem accepting things out of the norm, accepting each other's personal beliefs, values, style, and culture. But, no matter what, I will keep being myself and showing my style, whether society accepts it or not. There's no point in stopping and giving up now, because I've already made it this far: I've discovered the missing characteristics/shadows of me. :))

 

Thank you so much for reading this, it means a lot to me. :} I am sorry if this triggered daydreaming. *_* Didn't mean for that to happen to you if it did, and I apologize for that. :/ But I hope you like the song, and I've be honored to read your opinions on the song and lyrics. :) (That is, if you survived this whole thing, LOL!)

 

Thanks for everything, everyone! I hope you're all doing well!

-Jennifer Xx

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Comment by Jennifer on August 23, 2012 at 9:14pm

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it! It means a lot to me. :}

Comment by Wish Upon A Wish on August 21, 2012 at 10:16pm

Just listened to it, it's an amazing song! =)

Comment by Jordy on August 17, 2012 at 4:40am

wow good job!

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