A rambling, incoherent entry - just needed to get it off my chest

I've always been told that mental health issues happen to other people, or don't exist.

*shrug*

I've been feeling like shit since Friday night. Had a stupid argument with my girlfriend which began with a small misunderstanding then spiralled out of control as I kept (wrongly) insisting I was right. There are two things I did wrong here, and you would think that by the age of 23, I would have learned to accept them by now:

- I have a bad short term memory and lousy concentration skills. I am aware of this and should stop questioning people who have been paying attention because they're right 99% of the time.

- When the woman you love is in hysterical tears because you're being a total dickhead, stubbornly refusing to accept you're wrong or at least a little bit confused, bringing up the argument in front of her friends a few hours later is only going to make things worse.

Went to bed a drunken mess, her friends going home early because of how awkward they felt, I'd gone completely mute. Rocking back and forth, head in hands, unable to do anything but cry and bite into my arms (the closest thing I've done to self harming in ten years, and I couldn't even do it properly!). Next day we woke up in each other's arms, hungover, I finally managed to form a coherent English sentence along the lines of "I'm sorry, you were right, I love you" etc but one thing I still remember her saying on Friday night, amongst all that drunken yelling, one thing that makes me feel sick every time I remember it, was "There used to be me and you, and then everyone else, and we were a team. Now there's me and other people, and you're one of them."

I've never upset or disappointed anyone this much before. There's a direct corellation between how much two people love each other, and how awful it is when one lets the other down.

At work, on Sunday, I couldn't focus on anything. I mean I hate my job enough as it is, the customers are rude and nothing works properly, but when you've disappeared into your own little world with all those horrible thoughts it doesn't make it any easier.

So now you're probably wondering how this relates to daydreaming. For a while now, I've noticed my mind hasn't wandered into any nice, happy places. It only ever seems to want to poison me with horrible thoughts, I can only imagine situations where everything goes wrong. The problem with these daydreams is that they have a habit of coming true.

Also I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a stupid naive kid who shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone, ever, because then by the time she realises she's let herself get attached to someone as badly wired up as me it's too late. This time round, I'm with someone who kept saying I'm an awesome boyfriend but I'm pretty sure I've proven her wrong several times. And I don't want to blame everything on mental issues out of my control - of course it's in my control, it's my responsibility to sort my life out, but the insanity (for want of a milder term) makes it slightly harder.

I always try to warn people that I'm mental. Everyone thinks I mean I'm eccentric or weird or something - "Oh that's ok, it's just crazy Steve! That lovable clown!" - and for a while I believed it too, just a strange funny guy as opposed to genuinely fucked up in the head. Maybe the eccentricity and the clowning around is just my way of hiding the ugly stuff. No one likes to imagine their favourite Monty Python character curled up on the floor next to a pile of empty beer bottles, sobbing hysterically. That's not the kind of madness we like, is it?

I don't know where I was going with this but I'm glad it's out of me now.

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Comment by Steve B on January 10, 2012 at 11:43am

@ Roger Lyda: You're absolutely right - I'm still young, and this is just what happens, but as I'm sure you rememember from your own youth, it's still a big deal at the time right?

I dunno. Just glad I've got somewhere to vent, then move on, and try to do things properly, and think things through a little more carefully, in real life.

Comment by Pascale on January 10, 2012 at 6:30am

I have worked with myself for year to understand why I had negative daydreams. And I found that I use them to deal with feeling I do not allow to feel in real word. I mean in DD the situation is so bad than I am not ashame to feel afraid, angry or helpless.

Reading your post I understand you describe yourself as a terrible person, not worthy to be loved and crazy. Is that realy what you think about yourself? Your girlfriend tell something that hurt you, does she mean it or dit she say it only to hurt you because she was so upset. Is she totaly stupid or has she a god reason to love you?

If you have been humiliated or hurt in the past by a person close to you you may feel that people who come close are trying to humiliate or hurt you. So you get angry or effraid. But those feeling belong to the past, not to the here and now reality. There are several wrong ways to deal with those feelings:

1: Change reality so it fit with your feelings. It include making meaningless conflict with people you love and misunderstand people meaning.

2. Ignore the feelings, pretend you do not have them. It never works. The feeling will come back an other way. Just ask yourself what kind of feeling you havbe when you DD. The feeling is real.

3. Trying to escape them. That is were you use alcohol or DD.

According to my psychologist the right way to deal with feeling from the past is:

1. Accept them, they are there for a raison, they have been helping you in a difficult situation in the past.

2. Ask them who they are and where they came from and what they are telling you.

3. Thank them for having help you in the past.

4. Tell them you dont need them anymore.

And at last dont be effraid to ask people what to thing about you. It seem for me they mean you are OK. Not perfect but no more crazy than anyone else.

Comment by Nomad on January 10, 2012 at 12:45am

Thanks for your honesty, Steve. I don't want to judge someone else's life based on an internet post, but your entry made me think about myself. I'm addicted to fantasy because reality scares me and I want to be in control. One of the things I don't like about reality is screwing up. If it's true that to err is human, then we're all going to screw up sometimes. But every time I do it, I beat myself up because I think I should be perfect. Hell, I think everything should be perfect. Fortunately, it's comforting to recognize that other people screw up, too, and learn from it and grow. I'm not a monster or permanently defective because I have faults. If I can find it in myself to admit that I've screwed up, and to take whatever steps are in my power to do better next time, then I can forgive myself. It's hard for me as a fantasy addict to let go of what I can't change, like the past. It's easier to invent an alternate scenario and hide out there than it is to face what I've done so I can do a mini grieving process. 

As I said, I try to focus on myself because I don't have enough information to judge a stranger, even if I've read a hundred pages of that stranger's blog. However, I must say I'm impressed that you can admit you screwed up and go on record with it. I know a bunch of old people who can't do that.

 

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