Maladaptive daydreams about tragedies

[Alroy]

Hello. This is the first time I've written here and I'm not sure if anyone will read it. If anyone does, I apologize for any typos because English is not my first language. A few months ago I lost my father, and I feel that to this day I still haven't accepted the idea or understood what death really means, especially since I love him so much. I can't explain why, but lately my daydreams have focused on tragic situations. I've been rambling about the death of my mother (I love her with all my heart) and other family members. I relive the whole grieving process and the wake, the burial and all the bureaucracy that follows death, about everything. I relive it constantly. It disgusts me, I feel repulsed by myself, it's as if I want all that pain again; but I know I don't, for God's sake, I couldn't bear to lose my mother early either. But it's as if my brain is forcing me to suffer something that I don't really want to happen. Maybe it's because I didn't suffer what happened to my father properly? I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I cry in these daydreams. I feel afraid of them, but it's almost involuntary, my heart racing as I relive it all. But when the ecstasy ends, I feel fear and disgust. Have any of you ever experienced daydreams like this? It's distressing me. I wish it would just stop. Do you often ramble about tragedies with yourself and those you love? thank you for any answers ...

[Yukia]

Hi and please accept my condolences.

Some people shed not a single tears at their closest relative's funeral, then suddenly break down a year later when everybody else is already done coping with it. Everyone processes loss differently. Don't try to compare yourself to others by questioning whether you suffered properly. There is no defined measure for that because grief isn't math.

It only happened a few months ago, plus it was your father, so it's only natural for you to be catastrophizing the future. The fact that you're experiencing this is proof that you're genuinely grieving, with your MD only playing the coping part.

Since you are suffering from MD, I'd suggest that you know about MD acting as a barrier between the unpleasant reality and the ideal world in your imagination. That comes at the expense of suppressing your true emotions and deepest fears, then masking them as something more hopeful in your fantasies. At the same time, death is the ultimate manifestation of natural but painful reality. It must've broken through, making you witness your raw emotions which can only be enacted in disturbing scenarios, but not masked anymore. That's the bottom line of grief.

Unfortunately, this isn't something anyone can control. As unbelievable as it may sound, there is nothing wrong with your current daydreams. They are a result of an event that you truly can't change whether you're daydreaming or not. You have to accept that and let it pass naturally with time and healing.