Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Before I begin, I would like to point out that I do have Asberger’s Syndrome, so if I say anything I shouldn’t, please let me know and I will do what I can to correct my mistake(s).
In my daydreams I’m always the “bad guy” doing extremely violent things to other people and causing a town’s Armageddon. The characters and location(s) in my daydreams are from a show I loved as a kid (and still love today) that eventually lead to multiple severe mental health issues in the past, which may be why I have these daydreams in the first place (suppressed anger and a desire for revenge). In fact, the only character in my daydreams who isn’t originally from the show is me, who is represented by an Antichrist character with unlimited god-like power and a thirst for blood.
One of the things that I find rather interesting about my own daydreams is that it’s not just one storyline playing out over time. Rather, it is a series of timelines that can be restarted and/or altered by me at any point. The personalities, role significance, attitudes, etc. of each of the characters varies from from timeline to timeline, which can mean a character who is a brilliant and kind-hearted person in the show can be quiet and reclusive in one timeline, and be a dangerous sociopath in the next. The themes can be altered as well as the order of events and many other plot elements in this universe, and I have never had a single daydream that was similar enough to the original series for their storylines to overlap.
There is also one character in these timelines that, no matter which timeline it is, I end up obsessing over and using my power to watch constantly. He is generally the main focus of my fantasies and the main reason my alternate self does what she does. I often fantasize about doing bad things to him (usually rape and/or torture), which I really know I shouldn’t be, but I honestly just can’t help it.
I daydream about all of this violence and unlimited power constantly, and I always get a sick feeling of enjoyment out of it. Sometimes it’s almost impossible for me to think about anything else, and I will end up pacing for large amounts of time blasting the same song on repeat. My daydreams are usually the source of inspiration for my stories and art, and I will sometimes spend hours on end writing or drawing out one or more of my alternate timelines. Others around me even have to monitor how much time I spend daydreaming so it doesn’t become as out of hand as it has been multiple times in the past. Additionally, I often feel alone; like no one understands the kind of feelings I experience whenever I do this, because no one does understand. Whenever I tell someone that I daydream constantly and do whatever I can to become closer to the emotions I get out of it, they think I’m insane, delusional, or overly desperate to live a certain way. And, yes, I know that what I’m feeling is wrong, but it’s impossible for me to stop, not that I want to anyway. And whenever I do try to stop to focus on things that I know should be more important, it keeps on going, and even if I try to “end” one timeline, another one begins, and it’s completely out of my control. And I haven’t even been able to identify any triggers to it - my daydreams often become more intense out of absolutely nowhere.
Another thing I should point out is that although I do have these fantasies constantly playing in my mind, there’s no way I’d ever do anything like that to anyone in real life. My therapist says that as long as I don’t want to hurt anyone in the real world, I’m safe and okay. So, no, to shut down any thoughts you may be having about this, I’m not a serial killer, rapist, or anything like that - never was, never will be, and I don’t encourage anyone to go down that path. I may find pleasure out of doing such things to characters in my daydreams, but I know that harming others in the real world is not okay.
Sorry this was so long. What do you guys think? Do any of you do anything similar? Or am I the only one out there who has this kind of violence with unlimited power in their daydreams?