Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
Have you ever been traumatized by your own imagination?
I've tried to focus my daydreams into positive stories. But, in truth that seems impossible. Even the ones that start out light turn dark. The biggest part is that my characters tend to be quite tortured, either by their own minds, their past, or their present. For some, it's unending while others do overcome what has been done to them. They might not have the sublime happy ending that most receive, but at least they are better off than when their story began.
I've turned a few of these into novels that I've written. One was especially dark and twisted to the point where I had to modify what I wrote (the one publisher I found willing to post something so dark felt that there were some parts that were too dark and taboo even for their publishing house).
I don't daydream that particular story anymore, though I do want to eventually write more novels for the series I started. I have the character's entire story in my head still. The daydreams came to me while I was severely depressed and had consumed me in ways that not other series of daydreams have. They lasted about two months, maybe a little longer. But, I wasn't able to do anything during that time. I couldn't hold a conversation. I barely registered when I had to use the bathroom. My roommate had to force me to eat and drink. If it wasn't for him I could have died from dehydration without realizing my life was in danger.
While most of my stories are dystopian and a bit dark, this one went well beyond anything I had ever daydreamed before. Actually, most of what had happened to the character disgusted me to the point where I felt horrible that even my overactive imagination had come up with such things. Only one publisher in the world would take something so sinister and even for them I had to alters some scenes (some of this for legal purposes, too).
For a few months I felt traumatized by my own mind. Saying that I was mortified by my own story is a bit of an understatement. I couldn't understand how or why I came up with such a thing. I had no control over the daydream at all and it was the only thing that was on my mind for the duration of it. My awareness of the outside world barely existed. I couldn't hold a conversation and it was difficult to respond to even simple questions.
I can handle the dark things I see in my mind. My characters go through horrible things in their past and sometimes their present. I've always felt bad about that and wondered if it had to do with my own tortured past. But, this one particular story was so horrid that most of it I won't ever share with anyone. I don't want people to know that my mind had created something so sinister.
Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm feeling better about it now, but I'm still bothered by what I dreamed. Some of it was so horrible that it's illegal to write about. Think of the worst thing a person could be forced to do, and then multiply it a bit. You might have an idea.
My characters are almost always tortured. I would like to daydream better and happier things, but such daydreams don't last.
My daydreams are all now about me climbing back up after going through something bad. Example, One of the daydreams involves a girl who tells me that she'd cheat on me even if she were ever going to get with me and that I'm less of a man than this other guy who she's interested in. So I get hurt and eventually decide to turn it around, and several months later, they've broken up and see me happy and living my life good. Sounds cringe, but then again, lot of my dreams are maybe cringe as well.
I used to daydream more positive scenarios but after a recent crush I was going to ask out got committed and me having zero relationships prior, these kinds of scenarios took over.