Wild Minds network
Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
When day dreaming has a purpose
I’ve just discovered this site and until now I thought I was just totally messed up in the head.
As a kid I have always been angry and aggressive and I took to doin puzzles with my grandmother at a young age, once I got older I continued my focus on them and the day dreaming grew from there. The earliest memory of day dreaming would be 1st grade(age 6) I was madly in love with my teacher(very embarrassing now) but that’s the earliest retreat into my daydreaming.
I got to the age of 16 and it grew so bad I couldn’t focus on my work in class the day dreaming literally forced its way into my thoughts every moment. After sitting through a whole class crying mentally tortured but the thoughts the teacher told me to suck it up and get over it what ever it was. So in hind sight my whole life I feel people have told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and not once did anyone try offer help. Not great for my self esteem as a confused angry teen. I’ve constantly had anger issues which go hand in hand, I get angry front he day dreaming and I say dream to escape the anger. I remember the one time I forced myself to say to my mum I think I need some help and she told me I could talk to her so I shut back down and flicked the feeling off saying never mind.
Skip ahead 15years I’m now turned 31 and I’m still off and on day dreaming struggling to hide my mentally demanding obsession. I had a relationship from 17 to 25 which was classified as domestic abuse, the only thing missing from it was the physical abuse but if you google it I suffered everything else. That spiraled me into daydreaming on another level, I have bursts of creative needs and towards the end of that relationship I started to write. I had spent my life working and after the birth of my first child I was stuck at home and it was the hardest year of my life after he was born. After the relationship came to a catostropic end I stopped writing, being on anxiety medication shut my day dreaming down and my creativeness. I don’t like medications, I’m the kind of person you would never in a million years think I need it, I have mastered the art of disguising feelings unless I’m pissed then that crap comes out like fire from my eye balls. I got off it within 6months and at that time I met my now fiancé. I was happy with him, I had no reason to day dream or feel incomplete.
Occasionally I would flick back to the day dreams of the book I started to write, I had a real passion for writing but no time for it after the birth of my second child. But slowly the day dreaming crept back into my life. My fiancé has no idea I’m so messed up no one does. Now after the birth of my third child things have been tough adjusting and I have lost complete control. I’ve gone back to writing to try focus my day dreaming, when I start day dreaming about a better life for myself meaning my book getting published I instantly knew I was in trouble it was not going to help me in any way.
So now I’ve almost finished the book, my relationship is suffering although I’m trying my best to hold both ends of the strings together.
The thing that I’m terrified with is what happens next? What happens when I finish the book and that feeling is still in my chest like I’m not living the right life. I’m shamed to say that by the end of the night I’ve resorted to indulging in pin killers once the kids are asleep. I sneak them out of the cupboard, I feel so overwhelmed by a feeling of doom lately I’m actually scared what happens after this book is done and gets rejected. I can’t ever admit these things to people closest to me, they know somethings wrong with me, I’ve shut down, I can’t eat, I’m not sleeping, I’m snappy and I refuse to see anyone who does not live in my house. I’m avoiding my own mother.
It’s terrible and I don’t have the right gear to climb back up that slippery slope I’ve slid down.
Has anyone else had that need to complete something? What happens after?
As a kid I have always been angry and aggressive and I took to doin puzzles with my grandmother at a young age, once I got older I continued my focus on them and the day dreaming grew from there. The earliest memory of day dreaming would be 1st grade(age 6) I was madly in love with my teacher(very embarrassing now) but that’s the earliest retreat into my daydreaming.
I got to the age of 16 and it grew so bad I couldn’t focus on my work in class the day dreaming literally forced its way into my thoughts every moment. After sitting through a whole class crying mentally tortured but the thoughts the teacher told me to suck it up and get over it what ever it was. So in hind sight my whole life I feel people have told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and not once did anyone try offer help. Not great for my self esteem as a confused angry teen. I’ve constantly had anger issues which go hand in hand, I get angry front he day dreaming and I say dream to escape the anger. I remember the one time I forced myself to say to my mum I think I need some help and she told me I could talk to her so I shut back down and flicked the feeling off saying never mind.
Skip ahead 15years I’m now turned 31 and I’m still off and on day dreaming struggling to hide my mentally demanding obsession. I had a relationship from 17 to 25 which was classified as domestic abuse, the only thing missing from it was the physical abuse but if you google it I suffered everything else. That spiraled me into daydreaming on another level, I have bursts of creative needs and towards the end of that relationship I started to write. I had spent my life working and after the birth of my first child I was stuck at home and it was the hardest year of my life after he was born. After the relationship came to a catostropic end I stopped writing, being on anxiety medication shut my day dreaming down and my creativeness. I don’t like medications, I’m the kind of person you would never in a million years think I need it, I have mastered the art of disguising feelings unless I’m pissed then that crap comes out like fire from my eye balls. I got off it within 6months and at that time I met my now fiancé. I was happy with him, I had no reason to day dream or feel incomplete.
Occasionally I would flick back to the day dreams of the book I started to write, I had a real passion for writing but no time for it after the birth of my second child. But slowly the day dreaming crept back into my life. My fiancé has no idea I’m so messed up no one does. Now after the birth of my third child things have been tough adjusting and I have lost complete control. I’ve gone back to writing to try focus my day dreaming, when I start day dreaming about a better life for myself meaning my book getting published I instantly knew I was in trouble it was not going to help me in any way.
So now I’ve almost finished the book, my relationship is suffering although I’m trying my best to hold both ends of the strings together.
The thing that I’m terrified with is what happens next? What happens when I finish the book and that feeling is still in my chest like I’m not living the right life. I’m shamed to say that by the end of the night I’ve resorted to indulging in pin killers once the kids are asleep. I sneak them out of the cupboard, I feel so overwhelmed by a feeling of doom lately I’m actually scared what happens after this book is done and gets rejected. I can’t ever admit these things to people closest to me, they know somethings wrong with me, I’ve shut down, I can’t eat, I’m not sleeping, I’m snappy and I refuse to see anyone who does not live in my house. I’m avoiding my own mother.
It’s terrible and I don’t have the right gear to climb back up that slippery slope I’ve slid down.
Has anyone else had that need to complete something? What happens after?
Views: 102
© 2024 Created by Valeria Franco.
Powered by
