What keeps you going back?

[Star Williams]

The thing that keeps me going back inside my head where all the nice, ideal people and situations live are the overwhelming depressive, bored, joyless, unfulfilled, disappointed with life, anxious, borderline crazy feelings I constantly get. Like I just want to be alone and sulk and think and feel hopeless-- nobody wants me, nobody cares, why me *tear*. Daydreaming eases this feeling so I do it instead. Then I get on with my life and then... its like a temporary fix cause the feelings resurface sooner rather than later. I don't find joy in life where I should (I don't even feel as if my laughter is genuine, cause I know I am not truly happy) and I don't feel loved-- even if it's not true that I am not loved, I don't feel loved. Cause I figure if someone really cared then they would have taken notice by now and would have tried to help. I try to motivate myself to get better but it is so difficult and I always revert to what's familiar. Its the feelings that get me going, I know it. The feeling of listening to music, of being alone in a room, of being bored with everyday, the feeling of what I could be (in my imagination). People seem so shallow to me and I often find myself thinking when I see outgoing, happy, and content people that they have no idea what can become of them given the right conditions. They could be like me tomorrow (well, maybe not tomorrow). I know I shouldn't think that but it is kind of true. It all seems so artificial and fleeting--happiness. I think that it is a coping mechanism. But to be truthful, I would rather this than suicidal thoughts or some drug or alcohol addiction. Some people have both problems, I feel for those who do. I can only imagine.

Sorry for the depressive sentiments, just having one of those moments. It'll pass. It always does. If not I know how to make em pass...

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Don't apologize. This is interesting, and I can relate COMPLETELY. I've had the same fantasy world for over 20 years, and it's gone from unrealistically ideal to outright insane and impossible. You should SEE how many freakin' awards my character has, and I'm coming up with more ideas constantly. As a consequent I never had friends or anything that kids typically enjoy, and frankly this hasn't improved hardly at all. I'm more accepting of myself, which has taken a lot of work, but that's about it. I've spent the past several Christmases alone alone with every other holiday and my birthday. I can't get along with anyone at any job for long, and I can barely talk to people except online before I get antsy & uncomfortable. I'm not even saying this out of self-pity. We have to acknowledge how we feel & accept ourselves for how we are. Remember people's voices are what set the standards for what's normal & set stigmas on what's not. It's because we've been too silent that we think there's something wrong with us. If we all speak up then I think we'll realize there are a LOT more people than we can ever imagine out there that are experiencing something similar. Look around at we've discovered so far. I'm glad you shared this. Keep sharing. You're helping.

[Tinkerbell]

Sorry to hear you aren't feeling too good or weren't when you posted this.

I either MD when I am bored or depressed and low.

If I am bored I try and find something more entertaining to do. If I am at work and bored I might pinch myself or bite the inside of my mouth, the pain usually keeps me alert.

If i am depresssed or feeling low. I try to focus on other things like an intreasting book, music, writitng. Anything to cheer me up and focus on anything else other than my day dream. It helps sometimes.