The advancement of my MDD.

[Bella Valenti]

Yes, I'm writing to you guys again, but I honestly feel the need to share my perspective on this.

My name is Bella, and I am seventeen years old. I've been living with Maladaptive Daydreaming throughout the span of my life, but recently, I've noticed a rapid, and frankly frightening progression of the.. ailment.

It began when I was young, yet to be 10. I used to spend hours and hours staring at the wall, daydreaming. I suppose I grew out of it, or perhaps my imagination wasn't as good, because I daydreamed a lot less throughout elementary and secondary school. It started back up in before high school, right around when summer began. I wasted my summer, a slave to my alternate reality. I've always had an exceptional performance in school,  although the daydreams made it that much more difficult. 

During tenth grade, I was diagnosed with social anxiety which stemmed off claustrophobia, and was also diagnosed with generalized panic attack disorder. I later spiralled into depression, which I believe ended up making my MDD much worse. I began taking Prozac (which made me worse) and then switched to Zoloft (which helped, but the pills were tiny, and they hurt my throat.)  I didn't stop daydreaming completely, but it borderline stopped altogether. My daydreams were faded, and choppy. I couldn't follow my plots, and my images were hazy. Zoloft did end up dulling my thought process, so I had to go off that as well.

I'm in senior year of high school now, and I barely cope with MDD. It's a struggle, and I believe that mental health definitely plays a large factor in this. Why would you daydream about another world, if you're perfectly happy in your own? 

I have developed some mechanisms to stop, or catch myself, during a daydream. I always have a rubber band on my wrist, and I snap myself every time I drift away. It doesn't stop my inner mind from weaving a fictional web of scenes, but I can still partially concentrate on the task at hand. I also pinch myself if necessary, but last year I did it too frequently and ended up with suspicious bruises, so that's kind of my last resort.

Recently, it has taken a spin. I now consciously daydream. My characters have woven themselves into my reality, providing both comfort and reassurance. I'm digging a very deep hole, I know, but I still can't suddenly make them go away, because the second I think of them, they're there. I've also daydreamed without music at any time, and I've begun to chew the inside of my lip during the daydreams. It's all very odd, and perhaps I just have a hyperactive imagination, but I truly believe that the maladaptive aspect of the DD's is too apparent. 

There is nothing that makes my story different from anyone else's, and everyone is very different, which is why I think the research has been so minimal. Each report varies so greatly. I wanted to share my thoughts because I'm not willing to talk to a professional.  If you've read this far, kudos to you! Thank you for reading.

- Bella

(ps. If there's any grammatical errors, please don't blame me. It's late and I haven't edited it.)

 

[Noor]

Some aspects of your life look like mine : I started DD at 10, I had some prescriptions meds when I was a teen and had been diagnose with social phobia.
Most of Dders suffer from social anxiety, daydreaming plays a "healer role". (I don't know if my last sentence makes sense).

[Aj]

Thanks for sharing. I always feel better when I read other dreamers' stories, and you're a great writer. :)