Taking Control of MD and Finding a Productive Use

[Geobukseon]

Ever since I could remember, I've always had MDD.  I loved to create these vibrant worlds within my mind and find vast amounts of inspiration from even the smallest spark.  During the difficult times in high school and my families financial struggles, it gave me an escape and an outlet for the suffocating negativity from both a school and home where there was little to no peace.  It's always been a part of who I am as a person and I've never known life without it.

However, as time has past and I'm on the verge of entering my thirties, I find myself trapped by it.  I haven't grown up at all and still live within my parent's house.  I constantly wrestle with my own confidence in doing the most basic things and always want to avoid watching others grow up and enjoy life the ways I never did.  I can't form meaningful relationships with people and every time I see people my age with those relationships, I feel so far behind and so unsettled in knowing that the struggles I've faced felt like they've been for nothing.

I want to use this creativity to create something tangible.  I want to control it as to validate my life and give it purpose, but as time goes on, it's becoming more and more impossible for me.  I feel so alien and lost, hating myself for things I haven't done and for not fixing them when I should.

[Geobukseon]

Yeah.  Still, watching the world around you change while you stay the same really hurts, especially when you stagnate so much.