SO GRATEFUL

[Zadie Rahman]

Wow, I had no idea this morning when I went to my college's library to do work that I would find out that what I have been struggling with for the past 11 years actually has a name and that other people have it too.

 

Seriously I was just trying to do work when I again got distracted by my fantasies (story of my life...) and then it just occurred to me to google "addiction to fantasy" and then I found all this stuff about MD and I thought, "Oh my god. This describes me exactly. And there are other people too who have this? And the way they describe it is exactly like what I experience" I just started crying in the library and had to run outside, because up until now I have been so overwhelmed with shame about this, and as cliched as it might sound it is so good to know that I'm not alone and that this is a psychological disorder, just as are OCD, ADD, PTSD, etc. I guess I had just thought up until now that I was the only one like this and that this represented a lack of discipline and will power on my part. 

I'm 24 right now and I started having MD when I was 13. Basically I would pace around talking to myself, imagining that I'm a much better version of myself. I would try my best to control it, but any time I had any inkling that it was safe to do (ie if others weren't around) I would just have this uncontrollable urge to excitedly pace around talking to myself, often imagining myself having hilarious conversations with others, impressing others with my wit, intelligence, talents, etc. Sometimes I would  look up and notice that a roommate was watching me, looking at me like I was crazy, and then I would look away and retreat back into my room and not mention it, telling myself I should've been more careful about keeping that part of me at bay, blaming myself for not controlling it but at the same time feeling completely out of control.

 

I've been to about 8 psychiatrists or psychotherapists over the years and when I described my symptoms to them they would either seem amused (one psychiatrist laughed and asked me if I could show him what it looks like when I'm talking to myself) or dismiss it (a psychologist told me that I just have a rich inner life), just not understanding at all how much pain this issue has caused me. Although I have a few friends, I avoid as much as possible seeing them or responding to their emails and text messages, because I feel like I have nothing interesting to say since I spend most of my time talking to myself, daydreaming, rather than actually living life. Like others have said, I do it pretty much all the time: when driving, cooking, showering, getting dressed, etc.  But I want very much to be apart of the real world, to be creative and laugh with friends and be an activist,  though sometimes it terrifies me to think that I will just spend the rest of my life holed away in the fantasy world of my mind, especially given the lack of research on treatment for MD. Still I know there's still a lot of info out there from people with MD experimenting in their own lives with what's worked. So I am hopeful because there's still a lot I haven't tried.

 

I didn't really have any questions to ask. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all the people on this forum for posting your stories, as I see myself in so many of you, which makes me feel more okay to be this way, because I know I'm not the only one. Plus I can tell so many of you are creative, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, empathetic people, despite of (or maybe because of) MD so I am very proud in to be apart of this group because I am reminded that people with MD are often really awesome!

[Jenna]

Welcome to Wildminds! I'm happy to meet you, my name is Jenna. I hope you enjoy your 
time on this site. There is a bunch of wonderful people on this site, also I suggest chatting often. You will meet some very interesting people. :) Once again welcome.

[Dusty]

Hello Zadie, welcome to the site! It's always great to know that someone has found the site and that it is helping you :3. Like Jenna said we are a very welcoming and inclusive group so feel free to post often and join the chat :P

[Libby]

I remember my google search and the discovery of others like me. It was such a turning point for me because I didn't feel crazy. I had been living with the fear of my own craziness for so long, it was a wonderful moment for me. I'm so glad you too found some answers.