Running and Skipping in the dark

[Sage]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a while and managed to summon the courage to ask questions. I've had MD since I was 4. I'm 41 now. At first it was pacing. Then as my life got more traumatic ( alcoholic verbally abusive father...teased and bullied at school) I began to use music and began literally running and skipping. My mother caught me when I was in my 20's and I said I was exercising. At times my MD gets so bad I get headaches and spend days in the house daydreaming. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I take mood stabilizers and anti depressants and the hardcore anxiety medication Ativan. The only time I was free of MD was when I was on the mood stablizer Depakote. But the side effects ( weight gain and tremor) was too much to handle. Ok here's my question: Do you literally run and skip (to music or without) and it has to be dark?

[Sage]

Stasia
I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who did this until I came upon this page back in 2012. Does anyone know ( family or friends) know about your MDD?

[Kali_Maa]

When nobody sees me I walk in circles or dance alone to the music while I daydream. I have problems hiding my facial expressions, too. Once, my mother-in-law caught me talking alone, of course I wasn´t talking alone, I was talking with my imaginary "lover" ;-) I didn´t even notice that I was talking that loud.

[Kali_Maa]

No, you are not schizophrenic, none of us are since we realize our DDs aren´t real. My mother was schizophrenic and she couldn´t differentiate the reality from her delusions and hallucinations. You´re not alone, I thought I was alone until I started searching in google and found this community. It was such a relief finding others with my same problem, specially people with more or less the same age as me.

Sage said:

I'm glad I'm not alone. I seriously thought I was schizophrenic. I'm so humbled by everyone's responses. I have a cold today so I'm too sick to act out my MDD today.

[Stasia OBrien]

Sage - just my therapist and only recently b/c at first, I was ashamed and embarrassed and then I didn't want to give it up. But it is affecting my real life too much now so its way past time. 

Not that I think I will have to give it up completely. But I need to learn how to control it so that I am also living in the real world.

But I bet my family always thought there was something wrong with me since I would spend all day if I could in my room especially on weekends...I wouldn't even get out of bed sometimes. And my sisters at one time or another have come into a bedroom to find me rocking back and forth while listening to the radio...lol. They never asked me about it though.

[Sage]

Kali_74 said:

No, you are not schizophrenic, none of us are since we realize our DDs aren´t real. My mother was schizophrenic and she couldn´t differentiate the reality from her delusions and hallucinations. You´re not alone, I thought I was alone until I started searching in google and found this community. It was such a relief finding others with my same problem, specially people with more or less the same age as me.

Sage said:

I'm glad I'm not alone. I seriously thought I was schizophrenic. I'm so humbled by everyone's responses. I have a cold today so I'm too sick to act out my MDD today.

I am SO thankful I found this community as well. Thank you for your reply. You've helped me more than you know.

[Sage]

Stasia OBrien said:

Sage - just my therapist and only recently b/c at first, I was ashamed and embarrassed and then I didn't want to give it up. But it is affecting my real life too much now so its way past time. 

Not that I think I will have to give it up completely. But I need to learn how to control it so that I am also living in the real world.

But I bet my family always thought there was something wrong with me since I would spend all day if I could in my room especially on weekends...I wouldn't even get out of bed sometimes. And my sisters at one time or another have come into a bedroom to find me rocking back and forth while listening to the radio...lol. They never asked me about it though.

I wish I could do mine in bed. Or at least in my bedroom. I have to be in a big open space like my living room. When my mom caught me back in the 90's I was humiliated. I think my sister knows about it. I think she caught me but didn't say anything.

[Kali_Maa]

I´m so glad I could help, at least a little. Finding this forum is also helping me a lot. I we all could get over this problem and start living a real life. In my case, this ruined my life and my health, both phisically and psicologically.

Sage said:

Kali_74 said:

No, you are not schizophrenic, none of us are since we realize our DDs aren´t real. My mother was schizophrenic and she couldn´t differentiate the reality from her delusions and hallucinations. You´re not alone, I thought I was alone until I started searching in google and found this community. It was such a relief finding others with my same problem, specially people with more or less the same age as me.

Sage said:

I'm glad I'm not alone. I seriously thought I was schizophrenic. I'm so humbled by everyone's responses. I have a cold today so I'm too sick to act out my MDD today.

I am SO thankful I found this community as well. Thank you for your reply. You've helped me more than you know.

[Sage]

My life is pretty rough too. I spend all day alone with my MDD. I'm completely anti social and when I do go out my anxiety is horrible.

[Kali_Maa]

So mine, I do DD all day, even when I´m with my boyfriend or family, can´t stop, I do everything in automatic pilot while my mind´s wandering. I feel the same social anxiety, I can´t even find a good job, the only thing I do for earning some money is teaching how to use the computer to old ladies, that´s something I hate b/c I hate everything involving relatin with other people and b/c I earn little money. The only thing I want to, I crave to, is to be alone all day to DD with no interference, even though I know I must stop, or to find some "dimensional portal" to my parallel universe in which my DDs develope and being with my DD lover, but that, of course, will never happen, and thinking that is dangerously closer to delusion.

Sage said:

My life is pretty rough too. I spend all day alone with my MDD. I'm completely anti social and when I do go out my anxiety is horrible.