Power of Habit

[Nawal Khan]

Sorry for the long post. You can skip to TLDR at bottom if its too long. Thank you. 

Hello I am new to this community. I am a twenty-something student. I have been Maladaptive daydreaming for over 10 years now. It started in my childhood. 

I seriously want to stop. It has affected so much of my life and I don't think I can continue living my life like this. 

I have made several attempts in the past to stop. I have failed everytime. 

But here I am starting over yet again. However, this time I am a bit more hopeful. 

I have been reading this book called "Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg (really great read) that has expanded my understanding of addiction and habits in general. Although the principles the book mentions are concerning smoking/alcohol/drug addiction. I feel like I can apply them to MDD as well. 

I have not felt this hopeful in a long time. 

Now onto why I joined WMN. I need a community. In the book, the author talks about Alcoholic Annonymous. He states the effectiveness of AA lies in its ability to provide connection and a community. People you can talk to and who keep you accountable. 

I am serious about quittting MDD this time. So I am going all the way. No half-assing. 

But I don't have anyone to talk to about this around me. Nobody knows that I struggle with this. And I'm afraid if I tell them they'll think I'm crazy. 

So that's how I found this place. That's why I came here. I am looking for a group of people, a community who I can talk to about my troubles and finally be free of this disease. 

Please let me know if anyone is interested in being friends/mutuals (?) Sorry I'm new so i don't know the exact term. 

TLDR; Read the book Power of Habit. It mentions that in order to effectively quit a habit/addiction one of the things you need is a community or group of like minded people who can help each other stay accountable and stay motivated. So i came here looking for such a group of people. Please let me know if any one is interested in being friends/mutuals (?)

[Nawal Khan]

Hello! Thank you replying to my post and sharing your experiences. I'm sorry to hear about all your hardships caused by MDD. I relate to a lot of the emotions you feel. I am also very worried about my MDD.

Interestingly I have ADHD that was also diagnosed in my 20s. So I really related to you when you mention how you never felt like you fit in and felt alien. I have always had a hard time making friends and fitting in. Something that came so naturally to others was so difficult to me. And still is. 

It's something I don't talk about because its very upsetting to remember all the bullying I went through because of this reason. But since you shared something that was probably difficult for you to talk about I thought it was only fair. Thank you for sharing. It was really nice connecting with you!

Thank you for commenting. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't know what people see when I come in sight. DO they think I'm a very weird person? DO they find me socially awkward and introvert? Why do they immediately assume I have no friends/relationships? What's on their mind when they just stand or sit there and stare at me so intently?

[Nawal Khan]

I used to think I was hiding my weirdness really well. Pro at feigning normalcy, I told myself. But then I realised how few friends I have. How I never receive invitations to parties or outings by people that I am well acquainted with. People i considered friends would never hang out with me outside of school. 

That's when I felt like maybe I am not hiding it that well. Some of them definitely suspected something was off with me. That's why they wouldn't get close. 

My self-esteem has suffered a lot from issues like this. I don't know if curing myself of MDD will help me regain my self-confidence. But I hope it will. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel your pain. There was something about me that didn't make me a likeable person. Just about anybody received the same impression and simply didn't want to be my friend, nor even date me. I was so quiet, they felt I just wouldn't open my mouth and talk. My family felt the same way too. I never got invited anywhere, nor attended social outings with anybody. Spent nearly 100% of my time by myself. Is this why everybody was making fun of me. I thought somebody will love me, but there was just nobody. Was I blind, or what?

You can be a good person, but still not be approachable, talkative, or just not liked??

[Nawal Khan]

You really described it so well. It feels surreal to read my experiences and feelings in someone else's writing. I'm so sorry you went thorugh this. Especially since I know how lonely and isolated you can feel because of this. I especially relate to the part where you mentioned approachability. I have struggled with this a lot. I work in a quite a social field where I have to interact with other people quite often. And the number one criticism I keep getting over and over again is that I am not approachable. I just don't know what I am missing or how to fix it. I have been trying. But it makes me wonder why it doesn't come to me as naturally as it does for others. 

It's really nice to have someone to relate to about these things. 

Rather than a good person I feel like people think I'm a boring person. Because I spent so much of my time in daydreams I never developed other hobbies/interests so I do sometimes feel like I don't have anything to talk about. 

You really sound like such a nice person. You are very insighful and messaging you has already lifted so much of the stress I was feeling. I really hope you can find more positive people in your life who really appreciate you for your qualities. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Daydreaming on itself started when I was born. It was just there, fuelling my creativity and telling me the future. Regards, I had trouble listening up and paying attention to my surrounding environment. I also struggled to interact correctly with others—so it blew away my social life. People automatically didn't like who I was, and thought I was being a bitch on purpose. I was simply too Quiet for them to relate with on any level. So I scarcely experienced any relationships and friend bondings. I was quite the scoop in my neighbourhood, got scorned and laughed at by bullies and people who weren't my tribe. They've all gone their separate ways and got married, all except me. I've always wanted the attention that I never had. I'm not a monster, but I am a highly misunderstood person. I never found people who are more like me, if any of this exists, then I'd be lucky. I've had single friends, I've never been a part of a group. I hear highly intelligent people have much small social lives than average people do. 

Another thing. When I was young, I sort of lived in a fairy world, where my fantasies will come true, without even working very hard to make this materialize. That was the hugest boo boo I made. I'm terribly sorry for it too. I have to start from scratch and start a whole new life. I made so many fuck-ups since I was a teenager. Maybe I just wasn't very mature and had no life experience to perceive in my wrong doings. Also, we are living in the real world, and IT certainly will not look like our fantasies. That must be why I'm so shocked. There was this point where I got so peevish that I didn't want to be touched. 

I'm more grown up today, but still have no idea "who I am" and what my purpose in life is. Like I don't know who I'm supposed to be. It's very frustrating and leaves me feeling lost everyday. And yet, I don't seem to get up and take action, like I'm at a road block. For that reason, I'm waiting for a big breakthrough at some extent. 

[Nawal Khan]

It's so sad that people and/or children's immediate reaction to someone different is to bully them. If all parents taught their kids compassion maybe there won't be so many adults with mental health problems caused by trauma as children. 

I was a quiet kid too and the other kids took advantage of this and bullied me. I think I started daydreaming because of the stress of this bullying. I just wanted to be far away in a world where I was safe where I could stand up for myself and where I didn't feel utterly humiliated all the time. I often wonder that if I had grown up differently would the adult me be a more confident version? 

Would I develop mental illness if I hadn't had such a traumatizing childhood? I don't know. 

I also feel like I made a lot of mistakes during teenage life. To the point that I don't like reminiscing about my past. i hate looking at past photos and I hate when my friends start talking about high school. I don't have any fond memories and I just want to erase it from my past.  

I struggle with the question of "who I am" as well. If I were to write a bio what labels would I even give my self??? I have no hobbies or interests because MDD took up all my time. So I have no idea what I like. i don't know how to think for myself. I struggle with this a lot too. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm was just like you. I started MD due to the trauma of bullying and the lonely feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I've always wanted to be a part of somebody's life, but it didn't work out. People were too put off by my very quiet behaviour. I didn't appear like a very attractive and intelligent person, and I just looked really dumb, with no personality and rather soulless. I wasn't making any friends, and nobody wanted to date me either. This geared me to daydream even more...which was a serious mistake. It worsened my ability to communicate and maintain a career. This brought me living with my parents into my adulthood. Today, I'm too embarrassed to tell people where I live and that I'm not successful and self-supportive. 

Speaking of the past, I still live in the same neighbourhood I grew up in, and in the same house. I stare at the same field where I went to a nearby high school in our park. I feel disgusted to look at the view the place, because it reminds of being bullied, ostracized, manipulated, and gossiped about. It was like I was the "talk" of the school, all because I sat there all quietly. They also suspected I was daydreaming, because they could see me laugh and talk to imaginary people. Nearly the whole school didn't like me as an individual and I had very few friends. I even struggled to get good grades, and just made it into an art college. If I turned back time, I definitely would've changed the scenario. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I embarrassed myself this morning. Actually, this problem happened so many times! A lot of people noticed. My mom was shouting up the stairs that she was going to shop and get food for herself, because my dad, sister and I are leaving for a 4 day cottage trip without her. She originally told me to buy some buns at the grocery store, but she changed her mind, and announced this on her way out. However, I wasn't listening to her very carefully. I was suffering from bad sleep inertia, was honked out and my breathing suffered. Usually in this case, I can have shit for ears. I'm also madly job searching, so I was focusing on a post, and I guess that I got annoyed when she rambled. So I didn't take the message vitally. She caught the fact I didn't listen, and literally told me, "sometimes I wonder if you are on another planet." This is her language for where are you when I'm talking. To add insult to injury, many other people Brought this up, not just family. One person at my work called me a zoner. 

[Dee Wards]

I’m so sorry that so many have had to deal with bullying.  I detest it.  It’s so unfair.  I always try to include everyone when socializing.  If there was a quiet person in my class who didn’t hang out with anyone, I made a point to invite them to sit with my group or chat with them.  I also would verbally rebuke anyone who called other children names.  

I’m not sure if anyone around here is on the spectrum, but I did read at least one person said they were.  I watched a tv show called Love On The Spectrum.  Some of the cast members had coaches who coached them on tips regarding social interactions.  They seemed to find it helpful.  I was just wondering if something like that might be helpful.  I would think there would be resources for good people like on this site, to assist them in finding the life they want.   

Stay strong and keep the faith.  

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I blame my MDD causing me to fall behind in life. I'm at a surprising low level in my adulthood. Everybody else has it all figured out, which is normal for our age. Even my sister and cousin are more grown up, and I'm the oldest! I just don't know what happened. I thought that I was better than this. I wonder if people caught a hold of my daydreaming and found me coo coo. I had trouble listening up and zoning into my environment. 

My intention was to get out there once I turned 18, but something held me back, and I lived in a rut. Everybody else has lived and done things. It makes me self-conscious to get no place in my 30's.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Not sure this will sound silly to you. When I was your age, I was an airy fairy person. I had impractical, foolish and idealistic thoughts. I thought everything was going to be alright. Nothing was alright! I was supposed to make sure I am financially secure someday. I just didn't think with my brain.