No more escape.Facing real life, real me

[DishWasher]

I have a feeling like I'm doing this stuff my whole life.Since I was a kid.I guess it's normal when you are a kid. I remember  fantasizing about being a Power Ranger.

It got worse with years. To the point where I spent my whole day daydreaming , not studying ,not socializing.

I have generalized anxiety disorder , depression, ADD  and I eat a lot.And my life sucks.

When I'm daydreaming I don't think about my life. I don't think about how much I have to study for my exams in order not to fail,I don't have to think about how awful I look because I'm obese, I don't feel my anxiety, that nervousness , chest  thightness, irritability.

I hate myself.I hate myself because I blow up so many things in my life, because i let down my family so many times.I hate myself and it's hard to live with myself on daily basis.That's why I escape.

I'm a girl, 24 years old.And this is interesting...Main character in my fantasy land is a guy called Demian Kovak.Sometime it's a better version of me, a girl, but it's  mostly Demian.I don't know how to explain it.Why he? I think it's  because how my culture perceives males .They are thought to be stronger , funnier than woman, much more in power.Maybe in some weird way he is a better version of me.Also I'm not one of those girly girl.So that also has something to do with it. I have body image problems because I have been obese since I was a kid.I had anorexia  then binge-overeating that left marks on my body.And I live in a society where  first thing people say about some girl is wheather she is pretty or not.Like you are not a woman if you don't look the certain way.So I have a problem feeling like a girl. I would never change sex or something like that.I'm not even gay.Weird.And it's not like I'm Demian,It's like I'm third person, like I'm watching movie with Demian.

Stoires in my head are usually about Demian and some famous movie stars.Televison is another escape for me.I watch it a lot.I've seen a lot of movies and tv shows.I remember I would watch an episode of ,,Charmed'' and then I would  reproduce the whole episode with Demian (his name was Jack  McFarland back then) being something like Leo or Cole.Lately Demian is an actor himself.But he is also so many things.He has a big charity foundation like Bil Gates for example.He is a muscian and you of course he sings  many of my favourite songs.

I need to built my life.My real life.I can' t live like this anymore.And I have no one to turn to.No one would understand this better than you.I feel like  a drug addict who has been taking heroin for so long that he doesn't know how to function without it.

I don't have money for psychotherapy but I downloaded books to help me deal with my anxiety.I start meditating.I wish I don't have to study, it would be easier for me but you can't pause real life.Maybe it's better because studying is a big trigger for everything bad in my life so I can learn how to deal with it.

It's going to be hard for me to quit.I know , i did it couple of times before.Because real problems are going to come in.

I know that there will be images of Demian intruding my counscesness because there are too many trigers but that urge  goes away if I concentrate on something else.

I'm going to write here about how I feel , what problems arise when I remove Demian from my life.

[DishWasher]

Thank you, Swords Dance :)

[DishWasher]

When you look at me while I'm daydreaming , you can't  figure out  that I actually do that. I don't have movements like some people. I actually can do stuffs  like shopping  or doing  chores and daydream.I can write notes for my exams and daydream.It's like I have two streams of counscesness,it's like I exist in two worlds. But in real world I'm just a machine , the feelings are in my fantasy world.

So yesterday happened what I predicted .Couple of times during the day, especially at night (because my attention is better during the day) i caught myself starting to daydream.It's like I see something or I think about something and I get an instant idea what should be the opening scene.But! Then I say to myself - you promised to yourself, your future self that you will overcome this.And you have a choice - you can continue with daydreaming or not.Then I refocused my mind by trying to remember what I studied yesterday.It works.

It was hard to fall asleep last night. I usually daydream until I fall asleep.

It was boring to take my dog for a walk because usually I daydream while doing that.But you can't do the same thing and expect different results.And I want my life to be different.

I have to watch myself from rationalizations. I usually say to myself that it's ok to daydream because it helps me relax or because it makes boring stuff easier to do.Like  1 hour per day won't hurt me.But that one hour usually becomes whole day of daydreaming.And that one hour starts to be so important to me that I neglect everything else, it's like I become robot who just do stuffs  without thinking in real world and I truly exist in my fantasy world.

[Jui]

I know how you feel since I am a student my self, also your age.
How hard is it for you to stay focused while studying? How are you doing with the pressure to complete all the exams each time? I get the feeling that is the most difficult part for me. I am not doing really good under pressure.
In general I always try to study in a different way as soon as daydreaming comes up. I would do some problems then read in a textbook or tak some notes. It really works most of the time.

[DishWasher]

Sometimes it's very hard , so much that I force myself just to at least read lecture. But during my good days I usually use Pomodoro technique where my reward is watching TV for couple of minutes or taking a nap.Or daydreaming (not going to do that anymore) .Also I type my notes, that's the only way to stay totally  focused. Sometime I use SQ3R method.Or just ask myself for every information - why ?

I'm so lucky that in my  country we don't have just one deadline.You can try like 5 times to pass your exams.But you know,I have a lot of exams so it would be best if I pass at least one exam every time. That pressure is the worst trigger for me . My daydreaming gets really out of control, anxiety, I eat a lot.What it seems to help is that I don't count days until exams, to think that I love what I'm studying  and that my primary goal is to learn not to pass the exam. I imagine how good it feels to have that internal satisfaction when I actallly know something.But to be honest, my biggest goal is to be able to learn , because I really like what my job is going to be when I finish my studies.That's my dream.And I think that because is so important to me that it freaks me out  so much just the thought of failing or not knowing enough  and   instead of motivating me it paralyzes me.

I'm not satysfied with my studying at all.Even when I don't daydream because of my ADD I need to refocus myself all the time.It's amazing what kind of stupid things can drowe my attention.

I still have that thoughts about Demian intruding but I refocus myself by starting to think about something else or by doing something. In the past I usually had to listen to music to daydream or to watch something or to read about something to get the ideas for daydreaming.Now it's like I'm walking and bam - the story begins.So it gets worse as times goes by, it's like a drug, you need it more and more. Also I don't allow myself to think like should I stop daydreaming or continue with it.I just stop (like if I'm laying in  bed  and I catch myself daydreaming I get up quickly and find something to do). If think to much about it I could rationalize and blow  my recovery.

I'm two days without daydreaming and my motivation for doing other stuff is increasing.I repaired my bike and started to eat clean , made a plan for studying. I started to notice  some things around me,  it's small step but for example I see how sunny it is outside, I hear birds singing and actually enjoy it.I wouldn't pay attention to that kind of stuff before.

[Jui]

Not counting days untill the exam helps me too but at the same time it helps me a lot to make a list with all the stuff I should do. I always try to finish everything untill one week before the exam. We only have the "real" exam and than two more chances to pass it, if we fail we have to leave and it doesn't really help that each professor tells as that at least 30% will fail.

So how do you manage to stay out of your daydreaming while at the same time not focus on something else that is just "as bad" ? That's my main issue. I can stop daydreaming but I would keep procrastinating.

[DishWasher]

I Turn off Facebook. Turn off TV. Run my computer on safe mode (so I can't go on online but I can still type notes).I try as hard as I can to learn for 1hr then 15 min do whatever I want.Then again 1hr studying , 15 min relaxing and so on.You can start with smaller amount of time and gradually increase it.But... I need to be mindful during whole session so I could notice when my mind wanders off.And whatever happens I can't leave the desk until that 1hr finishes. Hope this will help you :D If sometihing is really bothering me I write in my diary my thoughts.Just to clear my head.

I caught a cold.So I feel pretty exhausted.Which is the worst thing to happen when you need your will power.So I caught myself starting to daydream a lot but i managed to stop myself.

[DishWasher]

I slipped yesterday. I had a bad headache.I'm still sick. All in all I felt like shit.And I had I big fight with my mom.I felt really bad.And urges were just coming so I got angry really angry and I think that allowed myself to daydream beacuse I thought it will stop  that constant urges. And after that my brain was like someone stewed my brain.I hope that's  right expression.

But I'm back on track today.I'm going to overcome this.

[Jui]

I know that feeling! When ever there was a fight or a misunderstanding or something else I would be mad at myself the whole time and daydreaming would give me a place where everything is still alright.
Also: I have had a really bad headache for the last days and it made it impossible for me to daydream

[SennaSomniator]

Don't ban things from your life. Allow yourself to have things in moderate amounts. I also had anorexia and that rule helped me to recover and I think you can apply it to daydreaming. For instance if you feel like binge eating think about the consequences and I don't mean the physical ones but the mental ones. At the time you're doing it it may taste good and feel good but afterwards it wont feel that good, right? With daydreaming if you do it excessively you probably feel regret, similar feelings to when you overate, but with things like I didn't do my school work, I didn't take care of my chores, I neglected taking care of myself. It is like an addiction, I understand that myself. I'm just suggesting you don't completely cut yourself off of daydreaming and quit cold turkey because that can work against you. Do it gradually. I read an article about depression where they told you to set 3 goals for each day that you need to achieve, these can be really small goals too, and if 3 goals is too overwhelming then start with 1. For instance one goal could be study for half an hour and when you completed that you are free the rest of the day to do whatever you feel like. Easier said than done, I know, but this is the technique I used on myself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and too high expectations because they can be your undoing. Low or none expectations means low or none disappointment. One step at a time as cliche as that sounds.

XOXO Senna