My Story (Any feedback would be greatly appreciated- good or bad!)

[Beef]

I wrote a short story for a competition in a magazine- I didn't need to invent characters, the four mentioned characters in this story were pulled right from my main Daydream.  I want to know whether it is good or if it is a pile of crap.  Any positive or negative feedback would be very helpful.

Best Friends…………by Bethan Goodwin

 

“It’s just because he’s famous,” I muttered to my friend, Ellie. Zac smiles and waves at us when he walks by with his friend Calvin, they are closely followed by a dozen giggling girls. It’s been this way ever since he landed a big part on Eastenders. Girls who used to completely ignore him were now having heated arguments over who would sit next to him in class.

 

He and Ellie are twins, and they have been my best friends since we were babies. They live right next door.

 

Every other girl had posters of him on their walls, ripped out of magazines. On my wall I have real childhood photos of us, and my favourite one, a picture of us arm in arm at a recent party. He got drunk at that party and kissed me while we were dancing, it was the most magical seven seconds of my life!

 

After growing up with him for the past sixteen years it is so weird feeling like this. I love him so much, but I’m too scared to say anything, I don’t want to ruin my friendship with them.  

 

“I hate the way they keep eyeing him” Ellie snapped, pointing towards two girls who were in our class in primary, “They used to pick on him all the time!”

 

“I should go ask him out!” I exclaimed.

 

“OMIGOD!” I thought “I just said that out loud!”

 

“Did you just say that you want to ask out my brother?”

 

“Uh yeah, I think I should keep him occupied, to keep all these girls at bay.”

 

She seemed satisfied with my answer, “Good idea, go ask him, now!”

 

I saw him going into an empty computer room with Calvin. I walked up the corridor and opened the door, stunned by what I found. Zac and Calvin were, as they say, playing tonsil hockey. They hadn’t noticed me; I closed the door quietly and turned to walk away, trying not to cry.

[Beef]

Thankyou for the feedback :)

*Eastenders is a british soap drama

[Rashomon Effect]

Nicely done, Bethan.

You have a protagonist, conflict/complications, and resolution, I think. You also have less than 350 words. I would call that flash fiction or a micro-story.

In flash fiction people often leave some aspect unwritten and subject to interpretation of the reader. Because there are not enough words for much character study or character development, leaving the story open ended or with a bit of mystery makes it more intriguing.

I like character study and miss it when I read flash fiction. I do love to read microfiction and think it would be a real challenge to write.

I look forward to reading another from you.

[otakugirl]

I like it! Though I find the ending sad haha! Its amazing hope you win!