Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I daydream about being a different race but i feel that since im black that white people just don't like me but i also feel that black people don't understand me because im not that hood or whatever. i daydream about being mixed or light skinned because there prettier than dark skinned girls and i don't want to go through life hating my color because i can't change it so should i stop daydreaming about being a different race or is it not a big deal? i download pictures of people i would like to look like, random people i see on instagram or facebook or even celebrities... i need help and advice because im about to be a senior and getting ready for college and i don't want to go into college hating myself or not being me.
What does the "I tend to blame society" comment mean? Insecurities affect all people. Even the people you say are "society's ideal."
If not race, it may be height, weight, bone structure, eye color, shoulder width, dexterity, physical abilities, etc.
If you are wanting "society" to justify how you feel about your self...well, that has nothing to do with how you look.
Society is diverse and people have different taste and different things they find attractive.
I think I used to have the same problem. I'm south-asian, though on the paler side (more sandy, less chocolate-y I guess, lol). I used to be in love with extremely pale skin--snowy white and flawless, with a pink undertone. To fuel these desires I would collect hundreds of pictures of art (any kind--anime, deviantart, etc.) which I found alluring.
But eventually I started to abhor looking at these pictures because I've always been the kind of person who hates looking at things she can never have. For example: I have never been able to figure out why people window-shop. Whenever my sisters would want to go to the mall, I never wanted to go with them because I knew they were gonna be window-shopping, which makes me so miserable and so angry, because you KNOW you can never afford a lot of the stuff that's out there, so why would you feed your heart with those images?
So I ended up deleting all of my pictures, and now I have zero.
I tend to blame society because the ideal really is largely the white girl, despite the presence of a number of black or dark-skinned celebrities out there.
I do the same thing. I'm honestly ashamed to admit it- my being black is a love/hate relationship I have with myself, and its something Id never admit to anyone. I sound white as well. Even though I don't want to become white, I would prefer lighter skin- a more golden vivid brown than the tone I have now. My daydream characters are always a much lighter complexion than I. Whenever I daydream about a black person it makes me not interested in the daydream... I don't like this either, I'd prefer to love myself and take pride in my race- I mean, I do, but not on the same level as most black people.
This isn't good... how to solve it? I'll have to just address it I therapy, I guess. :P
There is a bias toward light-skinned people in this culture - as well as to blond, thin, young, etc. But race goes very deep. My husband is black; so I consider half my family to be black. I can see how deep the prejudice is, as I have seen it first-hand. Most white people have no idea. I am sure Asian, Hispanic & other ethnic groups can understand to a much greater extent than can whites. Oprah addressed this recently on one of her Life Classes with 4 outstanding black actresses - Alfre Woodard (my favorite), Gabrielle Union, Phylicia Rashad & Viola Davis. If you can catch it, it is very good. Thank goodness for these wonderful actresses for tilting our stereotypes of what good & smart & beautiful are. We just need more & more. Thank God for Michelle Obama & 2 beautiful young black ladies in the White House. All these things help. Don't blame yourself for having this bias. It is all around you. Try to off-set it by going out of your way to read Essence for example, as they feature beautiful black women. And go see movies that feature black roles & stars to let Hollywood know we want to see them. Halle Berry is certainly acknowledged as one of the most beautiful women in the world. Support her. Viola Davis is awesome. Go see her movies.
In my own DD, I switch often what I look like, my ethnicity, my name, etc. Even though they are all "me." I am white in real life & in many DD's, but also Black, Chinese, Navaho and Hispanic. My romantic interests have been black or white or Indian. Have you ever seen a young Denzel? Say in Crimson Tide? Or Philadelphia? Or Devil in a Blue Dress? Or Mo' Better Blues? I actually think he still looks gorgeous, but you are still in your teens. I've been around a while. What about Shemar Moore? OMG.
It is hard to force your DD's in a certain direction - I know how hard that is, believe me; I struggle with it, too, in different ways. But try to balance it as much as you can. For instance, make yourself as dark as is still comfortable for you. Have a black friend in DD's who has many traits you admire. Don't create "bad guys" who are black. Post pictures of black women you admire/ think are beautiful on your poster board or whatever. Don't blame yourself. Give yourself all the love you can get. It is one of the best places to start. Love yourself right where you are, right now. Even if you have to dream yourself white to do it. In time, you won't have to. I think black women have had it really rough. The culture creates a desire to be lighter; they then wish they were lighter; then they hate themselves for wanting to be lighter. Give yourself a break.
Thanks for bringing up the topic of race. And thanks for everyone's really good comments. I throw my hat into this ring as a daydreamer whose character is a different race. I'm white, and one of my main female characters is black. I've lived with this character for so long, she's a part of me. I think it's probably true that daydreamers are likely to have characters that are very different in appearance from themselves, racially and ethnically. Race and ethnicity are major elements of identity, and identity is, in many ways, the psychological engine that drives daydreaming.
I think we can all agree that it's unhealthy to daydream about opposite-race characters to cover up self-loathing and un-acceptance of yourself. When I think about why I initially started thinking about my black character, it was definitely tied to the fact that I had such low self esteem and wanted to be different from what I was. And being this black character that I made up was definitely one of the coolest things I could think of being. I assigned her lots of other life history and character traits, but the fact that she was black was something I always loved, loved loved about her.
I know there's a bias toward light skinned men and women in the culture, but I have always defied that, and to me, dark skin is definitely more beautiful, sexier, more alluring, more awesome all around.I would just love to have it myself. And I happen to have super white milky skin that apparently some people admire and which I have never taken any pleasure in having. I have disliked it my whole life.
I think the aim is to definitely try to be on better terms with yourself. Strive to find the things you love about yourself and would never want to change. Over time, with my black character, she eventually ceased to be a "black" character. The fact that she was black eventually became something that I "forgot" and that just receded into the background because it was her character and personality that were the real material and substance of who she was, not her appearance.
It's so sad that you don't think you're beautiful because you're back. I don't think any race is more beautiful than another. They're all beautiful. My main character is white because she's based on me, and I'm pasty white. However, I do have black characters that are very important. I hope you'll learn to love yourself as you are. It's ok to have white characters, but try to integrate some black ones, and make them important and valued.
Who said that light girl are prettier than black? Beauty is very subjective. After I moved to Norway where they have enough of blond girls a lot of people tell me it was so nice with black curly hair. So I started liking it and now when I tell people I have been dreaming to have long strait blond hair they laugh.
Something you can try with your DD is let your dream character be as pretty and light you like. But give her a friend which is darker than you (if possible) and not really nice (or really ugly if you prefer). Then let the ugly black girl be very nice and helpful to your main character. So your main character will like the ugly black girl very much and feel sorry for her that she does not like herself. What will the pretty girl say or do to make the ugly black girl feel better about herself? Find out it is exactly what you need to ear. Time for the Ugly Duckling to discover he has grown swans wings.
I think you should be more confident,no mater what people think it's not important.what's important is how you see yourself,beauty isn't about color or good looks it's about about what behind in that in your mind and heart.
I also don't fit in anywhere. I immigrated to the country I live in now. I have lived in several different cities over the years but cannot seem to fit in with the locals. I am like an alien that people hates and avoids. I met racists who demeaned me for my ethnicity. I feel more comfortable around people of my ethnicity which is why I moved to back to the city where immigrants like me are abundant. Sometimes I also dream about being mixed-race because they seem to have it better than us. They're physically beautiful, exotic, and often highly intelligent. I met some of those mixed kids at school and they're either very charismatic and/or very intelligent. Plus they're often multilingual and some of them can speak even better ethnic languages than I do even though they're mixed! When I am around them I often feel inferior, physically and intellectually. Sometimes I envy them for what they have, the best of both worlds.
However, I agree with the other posters it's important to be proud of who you are. I try to watch ethnic dramas and listen to ethnic songs to instill a sense of cultural pride in myself. I want to believe that my culture also has beautiful smart people. Living in a foreign country, it is hard to keep my own culture alive, and I feel lots of pressure to try to fit in with the locals.
I hate being myself. Maybe you could make my life better. Wanna trade?
Nah, nevermind, we can't do that. It's impossible, or at least I think it is. Then again, myabe this is the Matrix and even this reality is just a dream. If so, well, whoever is dreaming it must have made me one of the bad guys in their day dream.
You are beautiful just the way you are, I'm sure.
Amen to everything said by Creative Writer. I couldn't agree more.
This discussion brought back old memories, so I thought I should share. I used to daydream about being a different ethnicity. When I was younger, I lived in an inner-city neighborhood where there are many Vietnamese people. Many of my classmates are Vietnamese and some of my friends are Vietnamese. It was considered "cool" to be Vietnamese. They had their own gangs and the girls were fashion savvy. I am not Vietnamese but I yearned to be one of them. I had daydreams about being Vietnamese, speaking the language, etc. 2 of my childhood crushes were Vietnamese. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in because it looks like my friends treat their brethren better than me. I feel like an outsider. I see many beautiful Vietnamese people and so I feel uglier because I didn't have the traits they had, like the large eyes and clear skin. I know one girl who was 1/4 Vietnamese but she would tell other people that she's 1/2 Vietnamese and not really like her other half. My own ethnicity was subjected to ridicule and joking, so I felt inferior, in a sense.
Fast-forward many years later. After the so-called "Korean Wave", now it's suddenly cool to be Korean. Many people watch Korean dramas and worship Korean idols and bands. I am a fan of Korean dramas and songs. My cousin doesn't even watch her country's dramas anymore; now she watches Korean dramas and has a Korean idol. It's embarrassing to admit, but there are girls who want Korean boyfriends. They think Korean men are hot. I am guilty of sometimes (not always) daydreaming about being Korean and dating Korean men.
Now,I feel horrible because I get this feeling I am somehow betraying myself. Anyways, I am older now so I try to rediscover my own culture and stop fantasizing about being somebody else.