My Experience With MD

[Anima]

When I was a young kid, I used to have three really good friends, who I'll call Sadie, Mi-Rae, and Arjun. Despite being so young, the four of us were extremely close; the four of us had met when we were barely two or three years old, and from then on, we were inseparable. I still have so many memories from that time, despite it being so long ago. 

Then, when I was around seven years old, Sadie moved away. 

Unlike most seven year olds who would have probably felt bad for a bit before moving on, I let her come back... in my fantasies.

For about seven years after that, just before going to sleep at night, I would imagine scenarios where Sadie would come back and take me, Mi-Rae, and Arjun on some kind of Adventure, usually corresponding with whatever media I was engaging with at the time. For these seven years, my "daydreaming" was restricted to right before I went to bed, which is a very normal thing to do. It helped me sleep better, relax, and was not remotely obtrusive. In fact, it was actually beneficial!

Then, when COVID occurred, my fantasizing spiraled out of control. 

With more free time and isolation than ever before, I was consuming fictional media at a rapid pace, and the amount of time I spent fantasizing skyrocketed in order to keep up with all the new possibilities pouring into my brain. I would sit daily on the swings at a nearby park, listening to music and dreaming up impossible, strangely specific scenarios that were more detailed than ever before. Often, I would sit for hours on end - two, three, or even more. And that didn't include the amount of time I spent at home pacing in my room, running up and down the stories, lost in a daydream. Any time my mind wasn't occupied with something else, I was daydreaming about the same things as before, just a lot more frequently. This escalated remarkably quickly - within 5 or 6 months, I was exhibiting symptoms of the typical maladaptive daydreamer, and I didn't even know that what I was doing was not normal. Once I began to fantasize more and more, it became a literal addiction - a burst of adrenaline that I could often get multiple times a day if I had enough time to myself. And I think that's why so many of us daydream like this - it's addictive. It feels amazing, until the eventual crash when you snap out of your fantasies and come to see the world around you. 

For nearly a year, I was consumed by this addiction, and it was tough. Since I was frequently fantasizing about REAL people (I am still very close with Mi-Rae and Arjun to this day), it started to affect how I saw them, and I actually began to confuse what they "said" in my daydreams in comparison to what they did in real life. I became irritated more easily when people snapped me out of my daydreams, and it became harder and harder to study and work effectively. Things that had once interested me turned boring due to my fantasies being a lot more interesting. Mostly, I felt guilty. Fantasizing about real people just wrecks your mind and how you see them, especially when it's constant and consistent. 

I don't exactly remember how I found out about MD itself, but I remember looking at Eli Somer's MD scale test for the first time and just thinking... Finally, I'm not alone. At least it only took me one year, in comparison to so many others! For that, I am very grateful. Nevertheless, I've spent a lot of time exploring the posts of people on this site. As a person in her late teenage years, I really do not want my MD to continue into my early adulthood. The trend seems to be that it's very destructive, and I can already see that occurring in my life now. I've actually been fairly successful this far in my youth (straight As, multiple extracurriculars and a healthy social life); I think it's partly because I have a fear of disappointing my parents who had to work very hard to get where they are now, and also because I don't have any other mental disorders like depression or anxiety. (Also, I'm Asian... LOL). However, it's very, very hard to push myself to continue these things that my pre-MD self worked so hard towards - I would much rather spend time alone in my room, pacing and listening to music like so many of you guys out there, instead of working or spending time with others. When I eventually go to college and gain more independence, I am very fearful that I won't be able to keep up with my obligations, due to having less parental supervision and just supervision in general than ever before, which will in turn lead to me wasting more time daydreaming than ever before. I've tried to use techniques and such to try and control my MD, but it's very difficult when the only enforcer is yourself. I did try and tell my parents, but I don't think they really understood, considering MD is not really recognized as a disorder as of now. They are very supportive in general, but I admit that I don't want to bring it up again (Yes, I admit that I am ashamed. What more is there to say, really?)

So, do any of you out there have ideas, thoughts, or solutions? I'd love to hear. Share your stories, too!

~ Anima