Where wild minds come to rest
It's not that I live alone at home. I have a family, cousins and quite a lively university. Yet I am lonely. When I'm with a bunch of people, I often don't know what to speak. I have very few friends for probably the same reason. Despite being among people, I feel like being alone. People around me talk to others with such ease and make new friends so quickly, while all of this is a Herculean task to me. I talk like a stranger to even those people I have known since past 2 years. Why won't I? I've rarely spoken to them in the last 2 years, after all.
I know what you mean. When I'm in a group, I feel even lonelier than when I'm actually alone. Being around people reinforces that sense of isolation. It's not the MDD, but something more fundamental that contributes to it. I'm not sure how you experience it, but I feel like I'm fundamentally flawed and incapable of connecting with others. It's a very haunting and pervasive feeling, and I feel shame because of it. My daydreaming compensates for that sense of deficiency..
Also, people feel lonely when they are not having their need for intimacy and positive attention mirrored in those around them. You can be surrounded by people and engage in several superficial relationships, but if none of them adequately mirror the truth you feel about yourself, then the attention isn't very satisfying. It feels fake and hollow. Like nobody truly "gets you." This can be problematic because if you are carrying a lot of pain or feel undeserving of friendship, then it creates a vicious circle where you only isolate yourself further.
Deep down, we need people to understand us. We need to be noticed not for who we present ourselves to be but how we actually are. We need intimate contacts. I'm not sure how old you are, but you're still at university, so there is time to meet people who really connect with you. Maybe you don't need a big group of friends, just a few close ones will do. I hope you're okay. Take care!
This is a very interesting topic and Matthew makes some great points. I just want to add that even though I’m very extroverted and friendly, everything feels fake. I’m cute, tiny and personality plus so I have tons of attention, but I find most people fake and shallow. I can count on my hands the number of times where Ive had an interesting conversation with someone and they are usually elders. I think I’m an old soul. I am extremely intelligent with more interests than time. In my DDs I can invent someone who is an intellectual powerhouse, therefore why bother with people IrL. I’m sorry I sound awful, but I’m tryig to be honest about my experiences so I can learn from them. Modesty and humility are things females are taught so much of that I’ve completely rebelled against them.
I think MDD can be a blessing and a curse. I also think that we get to choose which one to feed the most.
I know the feeling. I can relate to this. I live with family and have a few friend but I feel relatively disconnected with almost everyone. The feeling of being alone is normal especially with MDD. It is very hard to connect with reality since the world you live in so different.
Blackosaur...I am not a DDr but am somewhat shy and always have been. It is easy to be in a group and seem like you are invisible. I do know, however, that talking to people and making friends is easier when you have interesting things to talk about. Life experiences, passions, news events and what is going on in the world are things that you have to be up on. If you spend time in your dreams or involved in movies, then people can't relate. When your experiences are limited, it's hard to communicate...you find yourself using the same example over and over in a conversation. The way to make it easier to talk to people is to immerse yourself in non-fiction, read magazines that are about science or what's happening in the world today, check into what is new and fascinating in research. Then you have topics to build on when people begin a conversation. Most importantly, if you do not know what to talk about...ask questions. I find that asking questions like "How long have you lived here?" "What did you do before", "Do you have any hobbies?" etc gets the conversation going and breaks the ice! Hope this helped and good luck.