Maladaptive daydreams about tragedies

[Alroy]

Hello. This is the first time I've written here and I'm not sure if anyone will read it. If anyone does, I apologize for any typos because English is not my first language. A few months ago I lost my father, and I feel that to this day I still haven't accepted the idea or understood what death really means, especially since I love him so much. I can't explain why, but lately my daydreams have focused on tragic situations. I've been rambling about the death of my mother (I love her with all my heart) and other family members. I relive the whole grieving process and the wake, the burial and all the bureaucracy that follows death, about everything. I relive it constantly. It disgusts me, I feel repulsed by myself, it's as if I want all that pain again; but I know I don't, for God's sake, I couldn't bear to lose my mother early either. But it's as if my brain is forcing me to suffer something that I don't really want to happen. Maybe it's because I didn't suffer what happened to my father properly? I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I cry in these daydreams. I feel afraid of them, but it's almost involuntary, my heart racing as I relive it all. But when the ecstasy ends, I feel fear and disgust. Have any of you ever experienced daydreams like this? It's distressing me. I wish it would just stop. Do you often ramble about tragedies with yourself and those you love? thank you for any answers ...