Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[roxanne]

That's fantastic that you've been able to do that.  I wonder how helpful it has been that he isn't an "A-lister".  At least I'm assuming that since he's not in the tabloids alot, but I guess that's not necessarily the case. ( Johnny Depp isn't either. ) Is he married?  What if he got married, or divorced, or switched girl friends?  Would you just pretty much ignore that, or let it fade away, as you said?

[J Noland]

I think it's absolutely helpful that he's not an a-lister. I wonder if I would have been able to ignore the barrage of info if he was in the tabloids all the time. I don't think he's married, if he was I would either make her an ex-wife or put me in her place somehow (god I sound creepy!). Like maybe if she is an actress in a tv show then I would be me but I'd have her role in the tv show...again, creepy. I really try to give him real world flaws so that in case I ever meet someone that reminds me of him I won't be disappointed when he's not "perfect." I tend to really develop the stuff I like about him (in his real life) but assign the stuff I don't like to people that we "know." It's my way of keeping the facts in the story but not having to deal with them outright. Like if he was to cheat on a spouse in real life then in the DD we would know a friend of his cheated.

[roxanne]

This is very inspirational & helpful to learn how others handle these crushes.  I don't think you sound creepy in the least; you sound like you are handling this in a sophisticated way that allows all the positives of this gift of ours, without getting devastated by the negatives.  We all need to find that balancing act.  Others on here, such as Sasi and I, have a harder time dealing with new details that emerge.  This particular discussion has been like a really important class/therapy session for me.  Thanx.

[J Noland]

I think this has been helpful to me too because inevitably I will be faced with some kind of reality of my crush. I will know that I'm not the only one feeling this and that it's not crazy. I am often depressed after a dd binge that I don't have real person to feel love for or that I may be alone forever, passing up perfectly wonderful relationships because of my imaginary man. I honestly don't know if I'm better off in a real relationship or in a fantasy one. I wonder what would happen if two DD'ers were to have a relationship?

[roxanne]

There is a thread here discussing if people would want a fellow DD'er.  I think it would be awesome, but I think most people did not.  

What all terms does anyone use for their "significant other", DD style - crush, obsession, dream lover (D.L.), prince of my heart (I'm going off the deep end here.)  

[J Noland]

Thanks! I've been trying to read up on the threads I've missed but I hadn't found that one. I just read through it this am. At this point I think I'd be nervous just meeting anyone like me after all this time.

I don't have a special term for my dd boyfriend or whatever. He's just whoever his role happens to be at that time ;)

[roxanne]

11 weeks in & a relapse.  I'm going to try to get back on track.

[sasi]

Sorry for the delay in response.I've been away on holiday.

Roxanne-so sorry you had a relapse.Is it better now?How did you get over it if you are better?Useful tactics for the future.

J Noland-please don't ever think you are in any way crazy.We all have ways of dealing with our fantasy lives and all are ok.

I had a very interesting time on holiday.Lots of helpful revelations.I was a bit concerned before I went as I was worried that too much time to sit by a pool and daydream may make me really dissociated as happened on a holiday previously earlier in the year.Interestingly this just didn't happen.The place we were staying in had no Wi Fi connection so no internet.I therefore had no visual source of my crush on my phone(my usual source).This helped hugely as made me change his personality to my advantage.Also no chance of seeing any info I didn't want to know.I also was away from all media and realised that generally I don't want to be sucked into this mad obsession with celebrity that sociaty seems obsessed with these days.I don't like it's values at all.It gave me a chance to reconnect with myself and what I consider important-kindness,honesty,integrety,intelligence etc.I am going to try to stay away from the trash media as much as I am able as I realise that I am actually in charge of what info I allow into my life.

Still going to DD though.While away I started to shift to another crush who held a mild interest for me in the past.Again he is an older actor so not in the media at all and I know nothing about him(except his age)I can therefore learn from my previous experiences and stay away from the internet.I have some DVDs of something he was in so willl use those as my only source of visual prompt.I now switch between these 2 crushes as both are very different(in my mind)so will use whichever suits me at the time andgood if one gets too threatening.

 

 

[roxanne]

No, sorry to say, I'm still relapsing.  It isn't quite as painful, but from time to time when I see new info, it can get bad.  Sasi, it sounds like you are doing really well with it - both your crushes and your overall relationship to this gift of ours.  I so agree with you on the really important things in life, and wonder why I get so hung up on these superficial things.  I really don't see myself as nearly so superficial in "real" life.  Nonetheless, I would not ever want to stop this DD'ing, and would rather live with the burden of it than to give it up.  You are an inspiration in how well you are controlling it, at least for the time being.  I know we all have some ups & downs, but I've come to see it as a journey toward better control, better emotional health, with this site acting as my life-coach and therapist.  Thanks again for your interest.

[sasi]

My sympathy is with you.I know how bad it can be when your emotions are all over the place when info sends us into a downward spiral.

I keep thinking about how you can get some emotional control back with your crush and so feel positive about it.Can I ask you whether it is certain info that makes you feel bad or just any info at all?For me it is all info but then some specific info makes me feel worse.Is there any way that you can stick with your crush and make up a fantasy that it is just the media hype having to publish things about him for his career when in actual fact he is in a steady relationship with you?(A friend of mine who is a screenwriter tells me this is often actually the case in order to protect facts that actors prefer us not to know).

How is life generally for you at the moment?Is there anything in real life that is making you less steady/grounded than usual?For me a huge weight loss late last year spiralled me out of control even though ironically i have never looked better in my life.I was thinking about this on holiday and wondered whether my physical bulk made me feel protected and without it I feel more vunerable and people notice me more so I fled into my fantasy world to a much greater extent than I wanted.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

 

[roxanne]

I think in all these years of DD'ing, this is the first time this has hit me like this.  Because of Sasi & others on this thread, I have looked at why.  Primarily, it's because he is the first one to be actively involved with different girls, and as I've said before, once he changes, I have to deal with that change.  Others either were from novels, defunct T.V. shows, long-married from the time I started obsessing about him (& I just divorced him right off the bat.), they were athletes & I knew nothing about their private life, or they were much more superficial all along.  I was thrown for a loop by how hard this hit.  I am curious about your idea to stick with him, but make up a new fantasy.  We are going on 13 weeks now.  Maybe I can just start over, push this new girlfriend to the side, and fantasize that we just met.  (Course he has a habit of changing every 4-5 years, so I'll need to be ready for that; also if he actually married this one, God forbid.)  What do you think?

Will try to enter pic of my first & sweetest love - I was 9 - in my next post.

[roxanne]