Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[roxanne]

Hi,everybody.  This has become like home to me on this blog.  Swan, I totally understand getting into the DD so much that I fantasized meeting the person - even telling myself I owed it to myself to at least try.  I never did, and now that I'm older don't even think along those lines.  However, I did meet other stars - mostly sports stars - and had they been a dream crush, they would have been disappointing.  I'm sure this is true of my actual crushes.  

Ana, building your own world seems like an awesome idea, but I am so hooked on the internet to keep feeding the dream.  I wonder what else we could use.  I used to use astrology charts, back in the day before internet.

Sasi, I think you hit on something really key to this whole dilemma; their purpose is to bolster us & entertain us, not to drag us down.  On the other hand, I am unwilling to sacrifice their intensity if that is the only way I regain control.  But we are a bunch of smart people; surely we can come up with tips as to how to manage this, without giving up the energy & lushness of it.  Hopefully, we will all keep the conversation going.

 

[roxanne]

Today is 7 weeks, and sorry to say, it isn't over yet - not quite as intense, but still gnawing away.  It's my birthday tomorrow, so plan on treating myself with a "binge."  How's everyone else doing?

[sasi]

Happy Birthday!!!!!

Like you I find this site such a huge support.It always makes me feel better if things are not going so well.

I hope you can enjoy your "binge" and that it makes you feel really good about yourself.I also wish for you to enjoy all the good things that happen on your birthday in reality as they are the things that really count.

Things going ok with me at the moment.Am finding that not looking at pictures of my "crush" helps keep the fantasy in my control much better,so trying to keep that up as long as possible.

Crookedgoblin-are you back from your trip?How did it go?

Thanks again to all on this thread for such great advice and for sharing so generously.

[roxanne]

I gave myself permission yesterday to "binge" on my old "crush", but amazingly someone else popped up and fired up my imagination.  Someone I had had a short "fling" with a year or so ago.  I just happened to see him in an old movie, and he was just what the doctor ordered.  I won't say I'm out of the woods yet, but it was a nice reprieve.  I am going to try and really take your advise this time.  I looked up his horoscope and made a quick run through the gossip section - not much there, thank goodness, but I know I have to stop that.  I wonder if imagining him 10 years younger than now would help.  That way, anything new about him may not resonate as much.  Any thoughts?

[sasi]

It's so strange how the mind works isn't it?

My advice would be to imagine him as he is/was when you last saw anything about him and try to resist all temptation to look at anything else.

I know with my latest "crush" that if I look at anything about him or his past it just makes me feel weird as it clashes with my mental picture of him.Also my "crush" is single at the moment and so I don't want to find out any different.(excuse weird font-computer playing up)

How do you feel now about your old crush?

[roxanne]

His power is lessening, but I still feel vulnerable.  My 6th candidate is gaining some traction, but I realize he has many of the same danger signs.

[roxanne]

I just read through alot of the tips given here and compiled them.

I.  When trying to get over someone, for whatever reason, keep him/her in your fantasy, but on the sideline, while you hopefully supplant him/her with someone else.  This seems much easier than going cold turkey, and gives the added advantage of seeming to give you the upper hand.

 - Try not to see, or even imagine, his/her face, as faces and facial expressions hold some special power.

II.  Find someone new:

 - someone less in the limelite

 - someone maybe older and more private

 - a married actor/celebrity who hopefully won't be changing partners (assuming you can ignore spouse to begin with)

 - a character in a novel

 - someone who is dead (assuming you can ignore that fact)

 - find someone with a flaw, that helps you feel better about yourself.

III.  Once you have found a replacement - and this might take quite a few tries to get the right charisma, etc. - just print photo of him/her and try just using that.  Ban internet, entertainment shows, magazines, etc.  (This is VERY tough.  But many of us did much better in past before we had all these instant updates.)  Try things like astrology charts (free celebrity charts available on internet) to fuel different story lines.  Maybe we could provide a service for each other by providing basic info (hometown, date of birth, past marriages, filmography, etc.) without current romances and tabloid stuff. 

 --

[roxanne]

Well, I'm 9 weeks now and doing pretty well, as long as I don't see him, which isn't always easy.   Anyone else having trouble forgetting someone you were attached to and, for whatever reason, had to disassociate from?

[roxanne]

Well, I'm 10 weeks now.  I still have to keep him on the sidelines, as opposed to gone all together.  Sasi, do you ever miss your former obsession?  Do you ever see him?  Are you still with the same replacement?

[sasi]

Hi Roxanne,

 I was wondering how things were going with you.It sounds as though you are just about controlling your former obsession.Does he still trigger an emotional response when you think about him?

I am still with the same replacement.I still try not to access any info about him at all just to look at a still photo of him because even neutral information makes me feel weird.I think I have built up such a firm fantasy of him that anything in real life about him jars with this.I do worry about seeing things in the press if he has a new film out(next year I think) or if he get's married etc but try not to think about it.It's weird but in a way I hope his career flops so he dissapears from the media completely.

Strangely i am watching the current tv series with my former "crush" in at the moment.I actually have no feelings at all when I see him.I do still often have him on the sidelines in my fantasy just out of habit but I always ignore him and make a point of striking up conversation with his co-star instead.This seems to be fine so far.

Let me know how you keep doing

[roxanne]

I so know what you mean about hoping that his career flops, so he disappears from the media.  I'm also impressed that  you can watch your old crush on a regular basis.  I'm actually feeling weak at the moment, just from some random news about my former crush.  It's just past 10 weeks, but 3 weeks today with replacement - the best so far.

[J Noland]

When I see my celebrity crush in a romantic scene I use it as research. This is how he kisses or this is how he says I love you, etc. Luckily my celebrity is not well known so there is precious little on his personal life. The things I have discovered have become his past in some of my dreams. Mostly I have developed him so far beyond reality that I don't have to really worry much (he's been "with me" since like 1986!). It has been nice to age him according to how he looks in reality, thank you internet! If I was to find out something horrible about him I suppose I would ignore it or else let the few dreams I have about him as his real self just die away. If he died in real life I would be heartbroken but his characters will never die until I do.