Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[sasi]

OMG.i go away for the weekend and the thread gets sooo interesting.For some reason I cannot reply from my iphone(never worked) or work e mail(just stopped working last week)  as i get an error message so have had to wait with loads to say all weekend(any help to correct these problems much appreciated).

Firstly,I'm really enjoying the declarations of old crushes.They all seem to be really complex characters which adds to good DDing.Do you give all your old crushes  different characters or do you tend to make them quite similar.I find that my crushes start off quite different-nearer to their on screen character then slowly change to have similar characteristics which I guess are what i'm looking for in my ideal fantasy man.When I think about it many of these characteristics are what I looked for in real life as my husband has many of them also.

 I'm loving the US/English debate.Firstly a big apology for all Brits who you have come across who are too narrow minded to realise that not all Americans are the same stereotype.I personally am a huge Americanophile(not sure if I just made up that word).I agree though that we have many cultural differences which can feel uncomfortable.Someone mentioned how Americans like to extole their virtues whereas we Brits tend to be extremely understated about any achievement.I find this one of the most tricky ones to get over when I am in the US.As for DD,all of my crushes have been American and I often DD that I live in the US.I actually think that American men(both in real life and DD)are extremely curteous and romantic but again I think it just depends on the person rather than the nationality.

 Interestingly I was comparing the US and English gossip mags(a bit of a slip up as banned myself-whoops)at the airport this weekend.Unexpectedly the "stars" in the English mags are far more perfect/airbrushed/hyped.The American gossip mags made me feel quite good in comparison.

 Roxanne-Still struggling quite a lot with being torn between 2 crushes.I really want to stick to my latest but the former just creeps back although I have little feelings about him.How are you doing?

 Gloriana-thanks for sharing so much.It sounds as though you have had a rough time of it .Does your DD help?Do you find living back with your mum a problem.I had a difficult time growing up and still struggle to hold on to my identity especially when I am around my mum.Luckily she lives in the US for 6 months of the year which gives me some respite.

J Nolan-what interesting crushes.You must have some great DD.I agree JS has a lovely voice.

 Here's hoping that my work computer lets me reply this week as am looking forward to the next installments

 

[J Noland]

Sasi- My dd crushes do seem to become the same kind of figure now that you mention it. They usually end up giving me emotional strength or confidence somehow. Or validating me, hard to explain. Since I grew up in the shadow of a super hero sibling I suppose I feel the need to add substance or worth with an ideal partner. Which is why I can never settle on a real life person. My mother has been an issue for me too, I tend to try and date (real) men that I think she would approve of but in my dd's I always distance myself from her, like I move away or only see her on holidays. I'm sure she'd really just love to see me happy.

 Gloriana- I'm sorry you're stuck in that cycle with your mom. I had to live with my mother after my divorce. She has a force over me for sure, she wouldn't try to hurt me on purpose but I constantly percieve disappointment from her. Sometimes I try and be observant rather than reactive to her if she says or does something that upsets me. It sometimes helps. I don't know how I found the fortitude to get through school and get a job that allowed me to move on my own. I'm relieved it's over.

The gossip mags are terrible! They just make everyone feel ugly and too fat or too thin, too old. Honestly what are people supposed to think about themselves? And don't get me started on reality stars. They are part of why Americans look like such jerks.

[sasi]

 What a huge influence our parents have on us.I agree with the popularly held belief that MDD is a coping mechanism for a lot of people who had a difficult childhood.

Gloriana-It sounds as though you have made a huge amount of progress in what sounds like a very rough start in life.I have huge amounts of respect for you for being so insightful and strong through it all.

J Noland(or JN if that's ok?)-Try not to let your mum's ideals,either real or percieved dictate the partners you choose.Although our parents shape us we are individuals and have different needs and wants.If you can try to figure out what you want in an ideal partner.Very good use of DD men here!Try to look for those traits in a real life partner.My mum is an extremely difficult woman who has made my life hell at times.Interstingly she is scared whitless of my husband(psychologically,not physically)because he sees straight through her and always supports me which she hates.She goes around telling everyone that he is under my thumb,would agree to anything i say etc etc.Part of me finds this very difficult but another part is able to stand back and see that this is just not true.My husband is actually a very strong man who knows his own mind.It is just her insecurity acting out by putting me down(her usual mode of operation).

 I'm having a huge DD day today.Partly a reaction to being back to normality after summer holidays and partly after an arguement with my husband last night(all sorted out but emotionally i'm still a bit all over the place).Must try to focus though as loads to do.

[roxanne]

http://www.oprah.com/health/The-YOU-Q-Test

This is an interesting test, both the body image part and later when it lists personal characteristics.  You have to answer questions to get that far, but it's worth it.  Dr. Oz lists many characteristics and asks which are true of you, and which are true of an ideal you.  Of course, for us that's our DD persona.  I did this years ago, and realized, surprisingly how much I was like my DD self.  (Course she is also gorgeous, musically gifted, excellent writer and other things. )  But there was a core that was me - smart, empathetic, politically active for things like civil rights, animal rights, etc.  This was very reassuring and motivated me to do more with these assets I so admire.  The things that are not me are more superficial - not that I wouldn't give years of my life to have them.  

I now am going to take the test again - list of characteristics, anyway - and compare them to my crushes.  Sasi, you brought up something very interesting.  Eventually, my crushes all take on similar personas, although as JN said, they start out different.  They even have the same "script."  This is all fascinating to me.  

Did anyone in the world not love 4 Weddings & a Funeral?  

[roxanne]

Gloriana, is it just impossible for you to get away from your living situation right now?  It is so difficult to be in that type of environment, where your first response is to react.  I will be sending you positive vibes.

JN, You seem really attached to your crush(es); I so identify with that.  As problematic as it is, I also love it.   Elude My Fantasy disclosed her crush - she is the only one I know brave enough to do so.  (The adorable Ben Barnes).

Sasi, I find it so interesting that your former crush (recently former) has such a hold on you, even though you don't have much feeling for him?  Is it the excitement factor?

I have been in & run a lot of group therapies in my life, but never been associatd with one as interesting as this.

[J Noland]

Sasi- JN is fine by me. Of course it's not my real name anyways ;)  I'm trying to distance myself from my crush these past couple days. It hasn't worked in the past but I do it to try and make a real fella more appealing. Now if only there was real man to catch my intrest. I may have to *gasp* get out more. You're husband sounds wonderful! It is really great how he sees you as seperate from your mum. I am going to think on that, I now realise I carry my mother's issues around like luggage. I know how it is when I have been too long away from my usual routine, I have to dd to sort out everything that's been happening. It's been interesting seeing which particular dd my mind settles on now that I have more insight thanks to the help from everyone here.

Roxanne- I am going to take that test tonight. I have been intropective since discovering the MD community and sometimes I've wished I could start life over with a clean slate like I can in my dd's. Some parts of my public persona are really not what I want reflected about me. I'm not sure what's me and what I've tried to just put out as a front. Any way to get real insight into myself is very good for me. I guess I am attatched to my crushes more than I know. I definitely depend on them. I know I can't expect all of that from a real person. But as much as it pains me to face reality I just can't help but indulge in a crazy fake love affair. It's my version of a romance novel I suppose. I had to look up Ben Barnes but of course I knew who he was when I saw his list of credits. He's a great choice for a md crush, not too well known, lots of fantastical material. Maybe I'll evolve enough to just name my crush eventually. Honestly I should be more ashamed of the Dwayne Johnson crush!

[sasi]

i just wanted to say how much I am enjoying everyone's support and just reading about how things are for you all.I honestly never imagined I would find this sort of group online.I almost feel like it's a little family.I look forward to looking at my e mail each morning to see the updates from overnight.

Thanks Roxanne for the test.I did it this morning.I think it would be interesting but quite scary to get others to pick my 5 strongest characteristics and compare them to mine.I do worry about what other people think of me as the image I project is quite different to who I am once you get to know me a bit better.The other thing is it has made me want to get some new facecreams!!I have never really been bothered by my age until the last year or so when the wrinkles are appearing and too much sunbathing when I was younger is showing on my face.It has suddenly really started to bother me and as minor cosmetic proceedures seem to be so commonplace now I feel that it is no longer acceptable to age gracefully.Just not fair.Can't decide whether to try to come to terms with ageing or join the queue to the dermatologists.

  My age has also started to affect my DD in a way.I now have to invent a past for my crushes often involving a previous marriage as they are of an age where it is likely.Also as I often merge some of my reality with DD i have to fit my life stage in somehow.Do any of you have these sort of issues esp if crush much younger than you or are you all still too young yourselves for it to matter?

 Also been thinking about naming my crushes.I still just can't do it,even past ones.Feels like sharing my real life partner somehow.

 In answer to you question about not being able to let go of last crush I'm really not sure why.I think that usually I let go of crushes when I start to feel hurt or intimidated by them.This only happened to a tiny extent this time(him liking brunettes whereas I'm blonde) so i was enjoying a good old ongoing DD when suddenly phased into a new crush.I think I was just not ready to let go of the last one.Any suggestions as to whether to get rid of him or just let it drift??

JN-Don't know if this will help you but I kept up my DD all the way through relationships in the past with no conflicts/problems.I found that they faded into the background esp if the relationship was good.I used how i felt when I imagined myself as my DD persona to give me confidence when looking for relationships/finding friends as naturally I was very shy and self concious.Eventually the act became so good that i can exude confidence whenever I need now and it seem natural.Only I know how nervous I feel inside.I think the key to finding someone is to be happy with yourself and try to be positive about life in general.I also believe that someone appears when you are ready for them and not before.

 Very annoying thing happened last night.Was just about getting my head around sticking with my current crush and was watching a dvd of an old series he was in.Suddenly an actress appeared playing a small role who was the last ex girlfriend of my former crush.Seeing as she is very poorly known and i'd never heard of her before i was involved with my last crush I was floored by it.This of course made me all conflicted about my 2 crushes again.Also weirdly I feel that my former crush is tainting things with my latest by having a connection with him,however vague.OK,as I type this ,it seems a bit mad.Slightly ashamed to be so obsessed.

 Anyway,time to go but looking foward to the latest from my lovely "group".

[J Noland]

My age has been changing my dd's too. My crush(es) have ex-wives or are widowers. Sometimes they have a child from a previous relationship, rarely. It has affected a couple of my long running scenarios where it makes more sense that we are younger. I've been trying to get used to the new versions. I wonder if one day I'll be dd'ing about us in some old folks home ;)

I am a face cream fanatic. And serums, I love serums. They help a little. I may look into lasering for age spots. My mom has warned me my whole life about age spots so sometimes I want to keep them to spite her.

I'm pretty convincing at being social. But inside I'm squirming too. I'm looking forward to meeting a great person one day. I'm really trying to know myself so that when we meet I can be authentic (one of the words on my 2nd list Dr Oz quiz!) and feel like we really connect honestly.

This thread has been so great for me. I don't think I've ever been this open about myself. And reading what everyone else has realized or offered is an amazing help. Much more helpful then any of the books I've tried to read to help me understand myself.

So you're 1st crush's ex girlfriend was in a show with your current crush? It's like living in a small town where everyone is going to get tangled up eventually. I don't think it's crazy, we can't help automatic reactions. In real life I would not like my ex's fling working with my current boyfriend.

Long weekend over, time to go back to work.

sasi said:

i just wanted to say how much I am enjoying everyone's support and just reading about how things are for you all.I honestly never imagined I would find this sort of group online.I almost feel like it's a little family.I look forward to looking at my e mail each morning to see the updates from overnight.

Thanks Roxanne for the test.I did it this morning.I think it would be interesting but quite scary to get others to pick my 5 strongest characteristics and compare them to mine.I do worry about what other people think of me as the image I project is quite different to who I am once you get to know me a bit better.The other thing is it has made me want to get some new facecreams!!I have never really been bothered by my age until the last year or so when the wrinkles are appearing and too much sunbathing when I was younger is showing on my face.It has suddenly really started to bother me and as minor cosmetic proceedures seem to be so commonplace now I feel that it is no longer acceptable to age gracefully.Just not fair.Can't decide whether to try to come to terms with ageing or join the queue to the dermatologists.

  My age has also started to affect my DD in a way.I now have to invent a past for my crushes often involving a previous marriage as they are of an age where it is likely.Also as I often merge some of my reality with DD i have to fit my life stage in somehow.Do any of you have these sort of issues esp if crush much younger than you or are you all still too young yourselves for it to matter?

 Also been thinking about naming my crushes.I still just can't do it,even past ones.Feels like sharing my real life partner somehow.

 In answer to you question about not being able to let go of last crush I'm really not sure why.I think that usually I let go of crushes when I start to feel hurt or intimidated by them.This only happened to a tiny extent this time(him liking brunettes whereas I'm blonde) so i was enjoying a good old ongoing DD when suddenly phased into a new crush.I think I was just not ready to let go of the last one.Any suggestions as to whether to get rid of him or just let it drift??

JN-Don't know if this will help you but I kept up my DD all the way through relationships in the past with no conflicts/problems.I found that they faded into the background esp if the relationship was good.I used how i felt when I imagined myself as my DD persona to give me confidence when looking for relationships/finding friends as naturally I was very shy and self concious.Eventually the act became so good that i can exude confidence whenever I need now and it seem natural.Only I know how nervous I feel inside.I think the key to finding someone is to be happy with yourself and try to be positive about life in general.I also believe that someone appears when you are ready for them and not before.

 Very annoying thing happened last night.Was just about getting my head around sticking with my current crush and was watching a dvd of an old series he was in.Suddenly an actress appeared playing a small role who was the last ex girlfriend of my former crush.Seeing as she is very poorly known and i'd never heard of her before i was involved with my last crush I was floored by it.This of course made me all conflicted about my 2 crushes again.Also weirdly I feel that my former crush is tainting things with my latest by having a connection with him,however vague.OK,as I type this ,it seems a bit mad.Slightly ashamed to be so obsessed.

 Anyway,time to go but looking foward to the latest from my lovely "group".

[roxanne]

My age doesn't change that much, and I think it would be healthier somehow if it did.  My crushes age, but I don't.  When I start with someone new, they often are younger than the last one.  Hmmm...  This might be one of those real life things that sometimes get in the way. 

Speaking of favorite Brits, my VERY favorite actress is Kate Winslett.  She is just a younger Meryl Streep to me.  She is so classy, smart and incredibly talented.  And I think she is just beautiful. 

[Katherine]

I tend to fantasize about completely imaginary people (though they are often inspired by real people) or when I was younger I would fantasize about TV/film characters.  I could jump about in difference time periods so if one character died or went off somewhere else I would set my daydreams at a time when they were about.  Sometimes now I fantasize about celebrities but as you say Sasi when they get married/get a girlfriend it ruins everything!  So I find my imaginary people the best escape.

[roxanne]

Katherine, How do you fuel your daydreams, if they aren't real.  I used to use imaginary, or more likely fictional, people a lot, but now that I have the internet, movies, etc. to add fuel to the fire, it seems sort of hum-drum to use completely my own imagination.  I'm envious of you for being able to do it.  Do you just keep coming up with new story lines?

 I also re-meet my crushes over & over as this is the most exciting time - I'll meet the same one maybe 100 times during their span.  I can just cruise a long, until something they do in real life interferes.  

I had given myself permission to go back to my former obsession, but sending that picture of J.L., quite unexpectedly, renewed old feelings toward him.  It was kind of nice.  Now I'm back & forth, but I feel like the hammer-hold is loosened.

[Katherine]

My daydreams have taken years to evolve - my usual landscape has been with me for over 10 years.  I tend to change the people, the exact details and even "my" name occasionally but the general circumstance of where I am and my history tends to stay the same.  The others in my dreamworld are influenced and inspired by real life people.  So I'll take one aspect of a person/celebrity eg their on-screen profession and use that as fuel to invent a new person.  Of the main two romantic interests I have it's weird but I don't exactly know what they look like, I have a rough idea but I couldn't draw them.  Only three of my imaginary characters have strong facial characteristics - my mum, dad and half brother.  The rest are hazy outlines.

 

The two romantic interests I have at the moment are inspired by celebrities.  So one of my romantic interests is a director/actor.  The other is a doctor (medicine fascinates me, a few of my friends are doctors).

 

I do invent story lines fairly easily and change histories.  A couple of weeks ago I was a former publicist turned doctor but that got boring as it's a rather involved job and involves little scope for doing other things - like singing ;-) So then I became a business woman, and now I've decided I'm a former sit-com actress (but no longer famous - I only sometimes like to pretend I'm famous).  I'm sure it'll change in the next couple of weeks again!  I think one of the reasons I daydream so much is because I have a very active mind, it's always on the go and I'd have nothing to think about if it wasn't for daydreaming.  My head is full of thoughts and I like working out plots to my DD life.

 

Do you have quite complex story lines?  eg they span several years and involve various people?