Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[sasi]

Thanks for sharing your first crush-lovely pic.

I know what you mean about being hit harder than usual.I had that happen with my crush at the start of the year.Before that I had had the same crush for about 20 years and very much in the background since I got married and had kids.I would have minor crushes along the way but only for a week or so and never interfering with my emotions or reality.The first crush this year made me feel dreadful as I actually felt like I was in love with him which was disasterous esp when I found out he was married.My replacement crush was someone who I had never really thourght of before but saw a tv programme with him in.I thourght he was safer as much older and less in the media but internet searches were a downfall especially as the media hype makes these peopole seem so amazing(i.e they have enough money and power to cover up the bad stuff).I found out he is not married and so like yours changes girlfriends etc.This altered much of the DD.After a few months with this crush i started to feel shakey again as he tends to like women who are physically very different to me.Lots of thinking later I realise that I actually find a middle aged man with obvious commitment issues a bit of a turn off.I think this is what started me onto what I think may turn out to be a new crush.As i said before I am going to try and learn my lesson and find out nothing about him.

 How prominent is your crush?Is he in the media enough that you can't avoid seeing/hearing about him?I think that may be the biggest factor in whether you can stick with him or not.Let me know and I will happily try to come up with more suggestions based on this if you would like.

[roxanne]

He is a huge A-Lister, just my luck.  I cut myself down to only 1 celebrity show (of 4), and wouldn't you know it!  On that 1 show last night,, his new girlfriend was featured.  She's become 1 of the new "it" girls, probably because of her relationship with him. I find myself wishing her ill luck,( how bad is that?) and she's probably a perfectly decent girl.  In fact, probably brighter & more sophisticated than his usual. I have also cut way down on celebrity gossip on internet.  This all sounds positive, except I am having a hard time finding things to replace them with in the evening, when I just want to relax & veg out, with some personal down time.

By the way, how did you manage to lose the weight?  I am always struggling with 20 pounds or so.  Currently I'm with Weight Watchers, but I have tried them all.  Recently I lost 7 pounds on the Dukan Diet.  It sounds like you've managed to keep it off, too.  I found your insights about weight/vulnerability very interesting.  I'm somewhat the opposite; I have trouble enjoying my DD's if I feel too out of control with my eating.

[sasi]

I have been having a think about strategies so I hope something may help.Please feel free to ignore things also if they don't sound right for you.

 

Sounds like dispite all attempts your current crush is just not going to go away so I think trying to keep him and adjust info about him may be the way forward.Could you imagine that after a short fling with his new girlfriend it just wasn't what he wanted as he had met you and take it from there?Another strategy may be to imagine that because he is serious about your relationship he is just doing the other relationship with new girlfriend as a smokescreen to divert the media.

I know it's so hard to do but I really think coming away from all this celebrity gossip is the way forward.I agree it's hard to do as it's just everywhere(I got caught out by MTV celeb news at the gym yesterday).Could you record a whole load of new tv programmes to try to watch instead of celeb gossip?Or buy a box set of dvds of other things or even an old series/fil with your crush in which would be "safe "to watch?Interestingly after the last couple of weeks of as much avoidance of celeb stuff as I can manage I'm not that interested in it at all and have gone back to reading novels again.I watch a lot of TV in the evenings as I find it a good way to unwind but am sticking to very neutral stuff.

I really think all this celeb fascination is an addiction that is increadibly unhealthy and actually made up of a load of superficial nonsence and made up media creation.The more I speak to people who eith work in or have contacts in that industry ,the more I realise what a sham it is.

Just remember that your crush is actually a projection of yourself giving you something that you need.The fact that you are able to create this fantasy persona means you already have within you what you really need.I find this helps when I feel emotionally overwhelmed by real life stuff of crushes.

As for me I'm going through a very interesting phase.My current crush seems to be holding less and less emotional connection for me which is actually quite frustrating as I quite enjoyed"him".I am slowly moving on to someone who physically is much less atractive and the opposite physically of what I like in a real life partner(i.e he is fair and quite short).The result of all of this is that I'm DD much less which is much better.I keep trying to force myself back into DD though,out of habit I suspect.I'm going to think about whether to try to stop this while I can???

Answering your question about weight loss.I did a meal replacement diet and lost 100lbs.I went from a UK size 20(US size16)to a UK size 8(US size 4)Amazingly it's stayed off by staying away from carbs(a bit like Dukan) so here's hoping.Like you I have tried loads of diets in the past but it's always keeping it off thats the hard part.Well done on your weight loss.Do you feel any better for it?

Let me know what you think/how it's going

[jungle forrest]

I agree that celeb gossip and news is not that great. And it can be an addiction. But it is not really separate from real news these days. ( I remember taking a trip to LA  about 13 years ago and thinking it was funny that both kinds of news were treated the same!) Most news programs do it now.

I also agree that even the image that is projected is usually a charactor in itself. It is made up by, I guess, their publisists and managers, and others that they hire.

[roxanne]

Thanx Jungle & Sasi for the advice.  It's so true, as both of you have said, that these images are projections to start with & then we project our own needs onto that image.  There's a wonderful marriage counsellor I've studied (whose name escapes me at moment) who says we fall in love with someone who presents the same obstacles to us that we are trying to overcome.  If we tend to be a doormat, we will fall for a take-charge type; but of course this leads to difficulties, so we need to learn to assert our own wishes.  Anyway, I'm sure who we fall in love with in ou DD's is more than just a pretty face.

Sasi, I'm curious as to why your current crush is fading.  Also, has the former one caused you any setbacks at all?  You seem to have really turned that page.  

[roxanne]

Gloriana, I really enjoy your insight.  What a healthy attitude you have.  I'm envious, but no where near there.  Not that I want to give up what I have - a good life & very dramatic, romantic DD's.  A couple questions:  What is fan fiction?  Is this written just for yourself or commercially?  And what is shipper fic?

Sasi, what would I do without you?  I have gone back to my original obsession, taken your advice and imagined him dumping new girlfriend after a short fling, and either going back to me, or just meeting me for first time.  I tell myself all the time that this is not sick - I used to get really involved with books, movies, etc., and these DD's are just so much more satisfying, so of course they will be more painful, too.

[roxanne]

j

[roxanne]

For Gloriana, just to say hi.  He has been one of my favorites, too.  Anyone else brave enough to identify a celebrity crush, past or present.  The past ones are a lot easier to acknowledge.

[roxanne]

I had never heard of fan fiction before.  I just checked out the site and can see it has real playground potential.  Once again, your attitude is amazing - I wish I could adopt a little of it at will.

[sasi]

Gloriana-welcome to the site and discussion.I love this site and find it a real souce of support and inspiration.Your fan fiction site sounds interesting too.I will definitely check it out.

Roxanne-so glad you are making headway with your crush.I have completely moved onto my new one now which I'm enjoying but need to make sure I don't get too sucked in again(I can feel it happening a bit)Still finding it very strange not to be interested in my former recent crush.I may go back to him at some point though.As for my original "problem"crush,I have no feelings for him at all although he still pops up as a side character in some of my fantasy scenarios.I watched him on TV this week and no problems.I think that enough time has passed to make him neutral.Completely unrelated can I ask whether you are UK or US based?I live in the UK and I'm interested in how different cultural environments influence our fantasies.

 I am in awe or both of you that you have been able to tell us the identity of your previous crushes.I'm not sure whether I could do it.For some reason it makes me feel vunerable and also I think I might feel weird if others had the same crush. 

[roxanne]

Sasi, hi again.  I'm from US and think it would be interesting to compare cultural differences also.  There are sure to be some, but I'm guessing the MD overrides most.  US & UK would be so similar anyway.  I'm so amazed at how you have moved on from "original" crush - I still have very fond feelings for all my past ones.  Will share (below) another past fantasy.  Only Elude My Fantasy was brave enough to share current one.  I would actually love to find someone else who shared my current one, but don't have the nerve to share that much, despite Elude's gentle urging.

Gloriana, I am enjoying your Fanfic site - I love reading alternate endings to movies, which ended sadly.  I like nice happy endings.

[roxanne]

I must say I'm nostalgic just seeing Jude again.  OMG, what a cutie he is.