Longstanding daydreams and what happens when facts get in the way???

[sasi]

Hi Everyone,

                  I'm new on here anfter coming across this site after a google search.I really thourght I was the only person who had lived the last 30ish years running a parrallel daydream world.

  In real life I am very happily married to a lovely man and have 2 great kids.I have a good job that I enjoy and plenty of friends.My "fantasy"world comes from a very disfunctional childhood and I realised it helped me cope and survive what happened.

 

  I fantasise usually scenarios that involve a character from TV as my partner.There daydreams can get very involved and I do get emotionally attached.My problem comes when I find out things about their real lives e.g.they are married.I then feel devastated-as I would if it had actually happened in my real relationship.While my head knows that this is crazy I can't help the emotions.My latest fantasy life has become a bit too all consuming and for the first time ever has started to intrude on my life the last couple of months.Recently I found out that this actor was married and am now all over the place.

 Does anyone else have a similar story?How do you manage it?? 

[roxanne]

I am still struggling, but thank goodness for suggestions, as they have given me something to focus on - trying to "hook up" with someone else, trying to ignore entertainment shows, etc.  How is everyone else doing?  Sasi, are you still able to see your old crush without any emotion?

[sasi]

Roxanne I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling.It took me quite a while(probably about a month)to get over my last "crush".Can I ask why you nnede to stop your fantasy with this actor? I'm asking because I may then be able to make some suggestions to help get over it.I stopped mine because I was feeling constantly intimidated and then finding out he was married was the final straw.As I felt so powerless and inferior ,my fantasy of being with someone else and me be very famous then ignoring him gave me back some superiority and grounded me again.

I'm actually doing well at the moment.I get no particular feelings at all when I see my previous "crush".My present "crush" has ups and downs but i'm being much stricter with myself as to what info I find out.Internet searches completely banned!!Interestingly this has allowed my to be myself in my fantasy rather than some great superstar as I'm not feeling insecure.All much healthier I think.

Please let me know if you need any help.I found this site such a huge support when I needed it and may well need it in the future.

[roxanne]

It makes no sense why I can't continue, but I'm sure it has some obsessive-compulsive component.  He had a long-standing girlfriend whom I just ignored (pushed into background) from beginning.  But when he switched to a new girlfriend, I had to acknowledge her, as ridiculous as that sounds.  I have tried your suggestion of blocking out all info on him and continuing, but something is always popping up, as I have not been able to stop all media search.  I have tried to move on to others (3 so far), but all pale in comparison.  I will say that his hold is lessening - it's been 4 weeks today, I think.  I so appreciate your concern & interest.  I know anywhere else I would go with this, they would be clueless as to what to think, let alone say.

[sasi]

How are you doing Roxanne?Any progress?

I am noticing that I keep thinking about my fantasy life all the time which is actually beginning to annoy me slightly.Plan today is to try as hard as I can to push all fantasy thourghts out of my head as much as I can and try to stay in reality.(not managed it too well so far but still early in the morning)I am really busy at work and socially at the moment so will try to focus on things going on around me.It's such a fine balancing act.I enjoy having fantasies but don't want them to become all consuming.

[Bibby]

I've been this involved in the past.  I recognized it was adding un-needed stress and hurt to my life that was doing me harm.  I had to consciously re-direct my daydreaming after that to try and break myself from doing that.  In many ways I have.

[roxanne]

Sasi (I always think of you as Sassy), thanks so much for your continued interest, and I so appreciate everyone's insight on this particular discussion.  It has been my best form of therapy, as I have been grieving, but no way to tell anyone to get any sympathy.  I have to act like every thing is OK.   It's over 5 weeks, and the obsession is finally diminishing, but still painful.  I have currently latched on to someone who may turn out to be just as bad, but any one more practical just didn't seem to be able to distract me.  Your suggestions of putting him on the sidelines and limiting media coverage have been very helpful.  I find particularly helpful for me is not seeing his face - I think faces (and facial expressions) have a particular power for me.

[sasi]

Hi Crookedgoblin,

              I really hope that you enjoy your camping trip and manage to leave your fantasy world behind for a while with minimal stress.I am really coming round to the idea that being so engrossed in a fantasy world is not healthy for me.I am finding it very hard to get mine in control at the moment.For example I was out to dinner with a friend of mine last night,having a perfectly good time but my mind still had to create a scenario that we were in a restaurant in a different place with characters at other tables.I really don't want this sort of thing encroaching on my life so much.I also broke my own rule and looked up info online about my "crush".I found out details I really didn't want to know(stupid stupid stupid!!).Again I am back to the conclusion that I am actually sabataging my own life here.All the thinks I actually fantasise about-a partner who loves me deeply,great friends,having charisma etc etc I do actually have to a large extent in real life.So why do I keep making myself miserable with a 2 dimentional fantasy life?

Any tips as to how to break free?Any good self help books?

Roxanne-i'm glad to hear your last "crush" is loosing his power to an extent.How's the new one going?

I'm so glad that I have this forum.It helps more than anything else as I can be completely open.I also find that just writing my thourghts down here helps me get some peace.Thanks all of you.

                           

[Truthful Alibi]

I have started a new daydream recently which has a celebrity in it, he has a GF and stuff, I know that, I have seen him kiss her (not in real life!) but it hasn't put me off.

In my DD, I was talking to him and since he was famous I knew about her then I asked him what happened (he is now dating me in my DD! advantage to MD - you can always go out with famous people XD) and he told me about how they broke up. It was quite funny in my DD before that because I pushed a girl in my DDs who I don't like ito a swimming pool! XD

(As in when I was DDing, the girl [who only exists in my DDs] got pushed into a swimming pool by me in my DDs, not in real life)

[roxanne]

Maybe we all ought to write a self-help manual on this topic. I'm really serious.  It could be helpful to non-MD'ers too.  I am so impressed with the useful info I have gotten here , about how to deal with unrequited love, that's available nowhere else I've ever seen and I've been a therapist for many years.   As for my own tawdry musings, I took a giant setback when I walked into beauty shop and saw a gorgeous poster of my last crush.  The new one (4th that I tried out) just hadn't achieved the staying power to fight off the vibes.  I'm serious: anyone have anyone to reccommend that hasn't presented too many problems.

 I like your attitude & sense of humor, Truthful.  Maybe if I could just push a couple people (to remain nameless) in the swimming pool/river; see what happens to their perfect hair & make-up then.  

Crooked, can you wear gloves to help your hands, or hold something in your hand like a pencil, and let the pencil touch the pole.  Just some thoughts.  I was struck by your thought that your DD person was closer to the real you.  Hmmm.  

[SwanInTheWater]

Hi. I do this too, and to make matters worse for my mental health, the more I find out about this actor, the more attached I get. We apparently have some odd little quirks in common that I've never had with anyone else (I commented on another post that I am an INFP, I hardly have anything in common with anyone, so you can see why this would make me more attached to this actor guy)

 

Because of this, my MD has gotten so much worse than it has ever been, even though it makes me very giddy and happy. I always crash, and on top of that, because of it, I think I've become a little bit delusional, holding out hope that I can actually be with this guy. And from holding out hope, I almost literally woke up one day and could not stand my boyfriend of two years. (though to be fair he did stand me up a lot) We are now broken up because he felt like I was neglecting him.

So not only am I dreaming days away, I have lost someone I love very much.

 

To be honest, I'm not managing it at all. I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do.

[Ana Suau]

Hello! As sasi and many others here, I also frequently fantasize about scenarios involving a tv/movie character, or an actress or musician as my love interest, to the point they become an on/off fixation. I mean that some are just temporary, or come and go with short intensity, a few are more stable, more important and meaningful to me, but they also alternate, sometimes in the same day depending on certain circumstances (for example, how agitated is my head, or if some story keeps my interest for a few days).

 

I used to have a big major stable fixation (an actress) as my daydreaming love interest since I knew about her when I was 15 or 16 (now I'm 24), and followed her career closely for years. Every time she'd get a new boyfriend I'd get pretty upset, but after a while I'd calm down and choose to ignore that fact in my head and it worked, UNTIL I found out (well, okay, I was in denial for a while, almost a year, but finally it was confirmed) that she was dating Marilyn Manson, and there everything crumbled, that was too much! for she also started to change her appearance and personality (which don't get me wrong, now I understand what was it all about and good for her and all that), so it stopped working as a permanent thing, I still have her in my mind (I think she'll always be special to me), but now she's just one of the scenarios I run around briefly.

 

So I guess I fit in the 3^rd category Julie sketched out (which I found fascinating, I love how WE (our community) are the ones pointing out and trying to systematize certain aspects of our condition, since 99% of the scientific community doesn't know about us/doesn't care), since suddenly “the facts” were too radically away from the “dream”, and it was impossible for me to make them meet and work out.

 

I feel sorry for my self saying this (it sounds pathetic), but it was devastating, and the way daydreaming worked for me changed somehow, as it would be less stable when it came to scenario and love interests (yes, since I'm a loner in real life and have never been in a relationship, in my daydreams I have a compulsory need to always have a girlfriend to adore and who adores me...), it changes almost everyday (although those scenarios/characters, and even worlds, as I said before, always return).

 

I also recently started to create my own “original world” with characters of my own (although I have been unable to completely remove/not use actors/actresses faces for most of them, shameful, as it goes against my original purpose).

 

I also agree the Internet is a nasty one in this case, I try to fight it, but in most cases I always have to check them in imdb to at least know their age and when they come from, but then can't help going to the mini biography and then it happens, it's my own fault, I know.

 

But from now on I'm going to be stronger, although maybe it's better to do so (check imdb), since it crashes the daydream. Sure that causes me distress, but maybe it's better than feeding the fixation, I don't know.

 

 

[sasi]

Hi,

  It's such a great thing to know there is a source of support out there.So many of you have helpful comments/solutions which make me feel better when I am "wobbling".Thanks.

  Why do these actors/actresses have such a hold over us?I would find it such a relief to know about their flaws rather than the hollywood gloss.I guess that the fact that they change partner so often means that they are less functional and perfect that I imagine as they cannot sustain relationships.I often wonder what would happen if I met my "crush" in real life?I suspect I would feel massivly intimidated.

Roxanne-I can imagine what a huge shock you must have felt when you saw the poster of your crush.Has is stirred things up for you are are you still ok?

Ana and others who find real life info so hurtful.How do we keep in mind that these fantasies are meant to be for OUR benefit not to make us feel worse?How can we use them constructively?I know sometimes in the past I have pretended that I am my fantasy role(famous and fabulous!)when in a social situation and it can help give me confidence.The only problem is then trying to make sure the fantasy doesn't encroach on real life too much.

 I have also noticed that my fantasy is often linked to feelings of anxiety and dissociation.I have started using "grounding" methods such as lying/standing firmly on the ground which do help.I also find talking to my husband(not the fine details)helpful as he is very stable.

My fantasy is going ok at the moment although I can feel myself trying to sabotage things.I keep thinking about the fact my "crush" seems to prefer brunettes while I am blonde.I wonder why I do this to myself.A severe lack of self confidence I suspect?

Anyway enough musings.Thanks again.Let's hope we all find some inner peace with this strange gift we have.

Ana Suau said:

Hello! As sasi and many others here, I also frequently fantasize about scenarios involving a tv/movie character, or an actress or musician as my love interest, to the point they become an on/off fixation. I mean that some are just temporary, or come and go with short intensity, a few are more stable, more important and meaningful to me, but they also alternate, sometimes in the same day depending on certain circumstances (for example, how agitated is my head, or if some story keeps my interest for a few days).

 

I used to have a big major stable fixation (an actress) as my daydreaming love interest since I knew about her when I was 15 or 16 (now I'm 24), and followed her career closely for years. Every time she'd get a new boyfriend I'd get pretty upset, but after a while I'd calm down and choose to ignore that fact in my head and it worked, UNTIL I found out (well, okay, I was in denial for a while, almost a year, but finally it was confirmed) that she was dating Marilyn Manson, and there everything crumbled, that was too much! for she also started to change her appearance and personality (which don't get me wrong, now I understand what was it all about and good for her and all that), so it stopped working as a permanent thing, I still have her in my mind (I think she'll always be special to me), but now she's just one of the scenarios I run around briefly.

 

So I guess I fit in the 3^rd category Julie sketched out (which I found fascinating, I love how WE (our community) are the ones pointing out and trying to systematize certain aspects of our condition, since 99% of the scientific community doesn't know about us/doesn't care), since suddenly “the facts” were too radically away from the “dream”, and it was impossible for me to make them meet and work out.

 

I feel sorry for my self saying this (it sounds pathetic), but it was devastating, and the way daydreaming worked for me changed somehow, as it would be less stable when it came to scenario and love interests (yes, since I'm a loner in real life and have never been in a relationship, in my daydreams I have a compulsory need to always have a girlfriend to adore and who adores me...), it changes almost everyday (although those scenarios/characters, and even worlds, as I said before, always return).

 

I also recently started to create my own “original world” with characters of my own (although I have been unable to completely remove/not use actors/actresses faces for most of them, shameful, as it goes against my original purpose).

 

I also agree the Internet is a nasty one in this case, I try to fight it, but in most cases I always have to check them in imdb to at least know their age and when they come from, but then can't help going to the mini biography and then it happens, it's my own fault, I know.

 

But from now on I'm going to be stronger, although maybe it's better to do so (check imdb), since it crashes the daydream. Sure that causes me distress, but maybe it's better than feeding the fixation, I don't know.