Living With A Daydream Addiction: My Introduction (very long)

[LordXephere]

Hello, everyone. I'm very fortunate to have found this forum. I have been googling Maladaptive Daydreaming and this site came up. It is an incredible relief that I am not the only one who struggles with this problem. I have never mentioned this problem to another person, no one, not even my family. The shame and embarrassment I feel about this is probably much worse than the addiction itself. If I were to tell anyone, I will be completely humiliated and I fear that they may have me institutionalized. 

 

I am 22 years old and I am a college student and I have had this problem for about as long as I can remember. As a young child, I was very imaginative and loved playing make believe. I watched so many cartoons on television that I was practically a part of them. I would then get so attached to the characters in the shows that I would keep them as my imaginary friends. In school I would get horrible grades because of zoning out during lessons. I would even neglect my homework assignments because of not understanding the material. I would always get Cs and Ds on report cards as a result. 

 

I went through a bit of trauma throughout school that may have worsened my daydreaming. I was severly bullied and teased throughout school. I was virtually hated by everyone, and I felt so horrible that I dreaded waking up in the morning to go to school. They called me names, stole things from me, and there was one point where it started to get physical. This continued until high school, and has caused numerous problems for me psychologically. In high school I kept to myself and did not speak to anyone. I had social anxiety, and started to develop avoidant personality disorder. I was so fearful of people, yet I so lonely and longed to be accepted by someone. This is when my daydreaming really started to kick in full force.

 

At this time around my teen years, my emotions were going insane, and my fantasy daydream world became more complex. I continued to watch cartoons and anime and I became enamored, and "fell in love" with numerous characters, most notably Starfire from Teen Titans. I was romantically obsessed with these characters and I would constantly daydream about going on dates with each of them. Literally every second of each day I would spend daydreaming about them and going over rediculous romantic fantasies in my head. I would always have to look at pictures of the characters to keep my memory of them fresh in my mind. I would do this at every chance that I got. In computer class I would go to look for pictures or screenshots of them on google images. The scary thing is that even now I still have a habit of doing this.

 

When I daydream I would also focus it on an anime that I am watching and imagine myself as a character in that anime and interacting with the characters. Recently it has gotten to the point where I have been creating characters in my head, even an imaginary girlfriend. Each character has a backstory, personality, and even their own set of beliefs and values. I have even created my own idealized fantasy self. He is a wise, mystical prophet/sage, and sorcerer, who is a heroic figure who defends and protects the weak.  He is charismatic, charming, and always kind, gentle and compassionate towards others. He is also myers briggs type INFJ, which my ideal type (if any of you are familiar with Myers Briggs Typology).

 

Fantasy is the only place where I feel confident about myself, and loved, which is why reality was never a priority to me. As a result I was unmotivated and could not focus on anything important, like what I wanted to do with my life and my personal career goals, preparing for college, getting a car and drivers license, and even personal hobbies. I never felt like doing anything, when others were taking part in an exciting hobby with trading cards, MMORPGs or other things, all I wanted to do was daydream to music (music is my biggest trigger for daydreaming). As a result, I feel completely unappealing because I've never accomplished anything. I still struggle to even find my identity and even though I have figured out what I would like to do with my life, I do not have motivation to actually implement anything. They are all just ideas floating around in my head. 

 

I have been at community college for a while now and that is even a struggle. I have been put on academic probation a couple of times, and I have barely any friends. I just do not want to face school or any aspect of reality. I do not know where my life is headed, and I truly feel that daydreaming is destroying me, yet I refuse to stop. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LordXephere]

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been interested in writing some poetry or something creative and have attempted a few times but just stopped just to go and finish daydreaming. I would love to write my daydreams down on paper either as poetry or short stories. This is a great idea and I really want to do this. I even had a my own fantasy RPG that I have also started making but never finished.

 

One thing that I have a problem with that has been very frustrating is not having mental energy to focus on anything for very long. For this reason, I have also not watched very much anime lately. It just comes in waves. I'll go through a period where I cannot stop watching it and then I'll go into hiatus and just simply don't feel like watching , or doing anything. Instead I would rather just listen to music and daydream. The same goes for video games (I'm a big fan of Final Fantasy, and Sim City). They just give me too much to think about and I don't have enough mental energy to comprehend plots.

 

As for music goes, I have actually taken numerous music lessons over the years, but I have just stopped. I have tried to learn the violin, and piano, but stopped. Recently I have been trying to get back into learning to play the piano. I would even like to write my own songs.

 

I would really like to have a creative hobby, or any hobby for that matter that I can stay focused on because there are certain times where I just lack motivation to do anything.

[LordXephere]

Focusing has always been my main problem. When I try to do anything, regardless of what it is, I cannot go more than 3 minutes without stopping to daydream. I have always thought that I had ADD, but have never gotten treated for it. This is probably the main cause of my daydreaming.

 

My problem is that I always try to just get it done in one sitting, rather than take a break. Sometimes I feel like I need to just finish things right then and there just to get it over with. I guess I exhaust myself. 

 

Then there are other times where all I ever want to do is daydream. I will literally have no motivation for anything, not even the smallest tasks. Before I go to bed, when I want to watch anime or read, I will end up daydreaming to music until about 2 or so in the morning and not even realize it. I won't even want to go to sleep. 

 

Thank you for the advice. I think I'll do what you talked about rather than try to do things all at once. 

[Feng]

I am about the same age as you (I'm 23) and I'm also in college. I can understand how you feel. I'm currently also stuck with this disgusting addiction (daydreaming) that I am eager to lose. I am still young and I feel that, if I don't curb down my bad habit, then I will go on to live a very miserable life. I don't have a girlfriend either. I am also very anti-social. lol. 

 

One advice I can give you in regards to your college career is to study and do assignments at your campus library. If I am in my room I will be distracted but if I go to my campus library then I can study and work on assignments better. Also, it helps to not bring potential distractions like iPod.

 

Good luck.

[Julie]

I'm another person who's in college (22 years old) and also an INFJ, so I can definitely relate to all you're saying. Feng, I also agree with your suggestion about studying in a public place versus a private place. I've come to associate my room with my daydreams to the point where my mood immediately shifts as soon as I get back home. It's like a switch. I'm too embarrassed to daydream in my school's library. With schoolwork, I also try to make to-do lists of the subjects I'm not interested in. It works for me because it breaks down a bunch of work that seems so overwhelming into smaller steps that are easier to accomplish. I've also been able to connect some of the concepts of my daydreams to things I've been studying in school. I know that part can be more difficult, but for me personally I've been able to express that hidden part of myself with something that is productive in the real world like an essay for class.

[Rozalyn Lawrence]

I swear you wrote my entire life. I mean, EVERYTHING you wrote about, is a mirror image of my life. Daydreaming, anime, fictional romantic partner, being bullied, being an INFJ!  Seriously, it kind of freaked me out. But I'm glad I'm not alone. Not sayng I'm happy you go through those thngs, but at least I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm also in college and it hasn't been easy for me. I'e been sooo depressed and unmotivated, it's debilitating. I have this buildup inside of me, and I want to release it, but don't know how. I love writing and music as well, two things that help me cope with school. But like you, I get an idea and just can't seem to stick with it. I think what will help isI  just to stop letting my emotions control me, and start being more objective about things.  I know what I want to do with my life ( after constantly changing my major) and thats acting. That's what I'm going to school for. I think people with such an  rich inner lives as us are natural-born artists. We gravitate towards it because we desire to express ourselves and be creative. I feel like I've been living the same day over and over again, never doing what I want, just being robotic. Idon't want to waste my life awat anymore. I know you wrote this some time back, so I hope things are going good for you now. I thankful to have found this page, you truly inspired me by being so open with your feelngs. I can tell by your post that  you have a true gift for storytelling. You just need to learn how to channel that energy, not be discouraged by it or call it an addiction.  I am going to change and be the me I am supposed to be and so can you!  We all have the power to change. No more letting my past haunt me.  Who knows, maybe some day you'll create a great novel or movie! And if it is a movie, maybe I can get a role? It's not easy being an actor, ya  know... lol Take care!

[The Altruist]

I feel you dude, holy shit I can relate, It sucks having this and not being understood, I hate being unmotivated and unfocussed. Daydreaming can be such a detriment at times( most of the time lol ). I know what you mean about saying how much easier it is to just hop into your own world. Good luck anyhow :) .

[Cassandra Booth]

   Wow. I agree with Rozalyn. You pretty much wrote everything that has happened in my life as well. I get so embarassed by it. Not only have I daydreamed my life away since I was a child, but I even started carrying around pictures of my favorite anime characters. It was like I felt like they were watching me and that I could almost relate to them. I still do it. But I've got terrible anxiety and panic disorder along with OCD, and it's been such a hassel because I'm constantly questioning my sanity and fearing that my "security blanket" of carrying these pictures is making me lose touch with reality. My fears have gotten so bad that I don't allow myself to daydream, watch anime, or even read fantasy books anymore. It's like I'm forcing myself to be completely exposed to reality. I've even been through the extremely embarassing confession of these things to my parents and friends... I love my life. But it's hard for me to simply stop fantasizing about anime. I've completely cut it off in my mind, however I wish I could go back to it. I fear though, that once my anxiety is resolved, I'll go back to dreaming my life away. I don't want that to happen either. It's scary. And even reading about these things scare me into thinking that I'm losing my mind. I know the pictures I carry around are not real, and I know that the thought of constantly needing to be watched is only in my head. However, my mind simply refuses to let go of the fear. It's like now I have such a huge grip on reality that I can't give myself even five minutes of the day to daydream. I hated dreaming my life away, but stopping it ubruptly has left me feeling too sane, and very lonely and empty. I wish I could just fill the gap and make it less painful to myself.

[Kevin Hass]

oh wow! I relate to you very much and yes music is the major trigger to my MD. Unfortunately, I can't give you any concrete or groundbreaking advice because I myself just discovered this site and MD. However, I would suggest (and I was actually fantasying about this) why don't you turn what you have in your mind onto paper; drawing, writing, voice recording etc,. ... I think as soon as it's on paper, you've just release this fantasy out in the open and you can make what you will of it. I have had this mental image of this dragon in my head for so so long that now by 2014 I want to take drawing classes so that I can put it on paper. And, I'm also starting a journal to type down my fantasy - I love fantasying and I don't want to stop it because I think it's very creative and it gives me something that a lot of people don't. The ability to see things through although I do want to keep it under control, finding the right middle :). If I find a way I'll let you know!